Beginning from past days

Anushkaa

I was scrolling through my phone gallery when my eyes spotted a picture. I wish I had not clicked on the picture, but I did. Maybe it was my eternal pain, seeking an answer to the question which can never be answered. That one picture with white fluffy specks took me back to a time when many people’s lives were shattered. My dream of being his forever will now remain a secret locked in my heart; a wish that can never be fulfilled.

It is unbelievable how life changed suddenly. I had read and heard that things can change drastically and you wouldn’t even know. But sometimes, even knowing all that does not help much. The more I try to forget Ayush, the more I struggle. I know I will break down on looking at his face, but I still look at his pictures. Yes, it’s my grief, only mine. I know I cannot move on so easily from a grief which takes me back, which was just so real, and yet such a perfect story to tell. Some relationships have strong and deep connections. You might not have met the person, but you can still feel every inch of their pain and happiness. It is an intimate relationship, which is beyond being physical; as if the souls of the two are connected.

I stand in my balcony every single day, looking at the sky. Amidst the millions of stars, there is one which stands out for your eyes, and only you can see and feel connected to it. Night is the only time of the day when I know I am not alone. My brightest star is with me; Ayush is with me. I speak to him, and he reads my eyes and responds with a twinkle. ‘Ayush, why did you walk away so soon? Why did you leave so many questions that will never be answered?’

You know, I loved snowflakes, thick snowflakes that you see on TV, read and imagine in fairytale romances. I used to Google snowfall images and keep them as screen saver on my laptop and mobile. I had also painted a snowfall picture which was hanging in my room now. But sadly, I had never experienced it in real. I have travelled across the country with my family, but never got a chance to experience snow- fall. Staring at this picture in my phone, I was reminded that snow- fall meant just you and me, an experience I waited to share with you. Istared at those tiny white balls and boiled with anger, unknowingly piercing my nails into my skin, recollecting each dream I had knit with Ayush.

And how all those dreams were now gone, with him. Had I known these little white crystals would take your life, I would have never let you go to Nainital. It was a bright day here in Pune. While my heart craved peace, the universe went about its business methodically.

I had been looking for an answer for very long, but I was like a blank page waiting to be filled with truth. I begged for an answer, but didn’t get one. The only thing I wanted to do was cry, yet I was forced to hide my tears. I was restless, clinging my hands on to my coat. Before I could think of anything else, I was on the floor. It was a panic attack. I was fairly accustomed to it by now. It would come up at any given time, even though I had gone through all medications, and counselling as well. Everyone says we should move on, or get over grief, but I wish we were asked to be more vocal with our emotions. When it is grief because of loss, how on earth are you expecting someone to move on? How cruel is that? Someone who hasn’t known grief won’t under- stand how crippling it is. I accept I am grieving under a trauma, and I know I will heal. But I also know that healing is a process and everyone takes their own time for it. It isn’t a race. My mother screamed when she walked into my room and saw me on the floor,

Anushkaa! What’s happening to you?" She called my father for help and both of them managed to take me to the hospital. I was given the standard panic attack medicines I was used to now. The doctor and my parents were discussing the reason why I was having panic attacks. My parents did not know the reason. I came across as a calm, happy person. But nobody could see the storm in my heart. I have learnt to hide my emotions under my smile, and people are convinced. Well, good for me, I don’t have to explain anything to anyone. I work for a marketing firm; I have had my share of happiness and adventure in life, which I have enjoyed thoroughly. But what happened last year is beyond words. Every time I thought I had moved on and was doing better, I realised it was not true. The memories came back with a vengeance.

My parents tried talking to me, but never pressurised me to answer. They gave me enough space and I am glad I didn’t have to put on a fake smile with them. I had decided to never reveal my pain to any- one, except Ayush, who was the reason for my smile and the pain. I am Anushkaa, marketing head with a leading marketing com- pany in Pune. I travel across the country for work, but there is noth- ing like home for me, especially my room.

“I can’t think of finding you in anyone. It'y cruel to find you in anyone except the stary. My diary pages are proof of the heart that beary every bit of this pain. I look for you in the sky. I wait for you to shine and twinkle, while the spark is in my eyes too. I know you will never come back: I have accepted it. Yet I sometimes wake up mid- sleep, thinking you are here. The departure of your soul was destined, and no one can change destiny. But the factof the matter iy - you are the unsaid secret of my life.”

Remembering that day

Ayush
Last Year January

It was 7:30 a.m. and I was in deep sleep. I heard a message tone beeping on my mobile. God, I forgot to put my phone on silent mode again. I wanted to sleep for longer. It was bone- chilling cold and I was wrapped in five layers of blankets and thick layers of clothes. It had been quite cold over the past few days, probably the coldest recorded in the last forty years. The message tone beeped again and I decided to put my phone on silent mode. I took my phone and unlocked it to check WhatsApp. There were many unread messages, but my eyes and heart wanted to see only one name. I had left Anushkaa a message before going to sleep, wishing her a happy new year. Anushkaa has been the heart- beat to my heartless heart.

I woke up and sat upright, resting my back on the pillow. Ayush, Happy New Year! was her reply. I smiled at the message and texted her back, Anushkaa, my buddy, wishing you the best to come in the year ahead. My phone beeped again. Ayush, you’re already up? Hasn’t your silly mind trained your body to wake up late? She could bring a smile on a dead person’s face. I knew she was a soul as pure as a drop of nectar. For me, Anushkaa was everything. When I saw her for the first time in my Bangalore office seven years back, my heart had skipped a beat. Anushkaa, an angel for whom I only wish the best. I want to guard her from the world.

I wouldn’t mind being closer to god, so I can pass on her prayers, and ensure for her pain to be healed soon. She pulled me out of my depression; she bought me out of my inferiority complex. She was the reason I have started believing in living again. I started taking care of my health, and now I am finally working on my dream café, which I want Anushkaa to inaugurate. I hope I can keep it as a surprise till the end. Look at me now! Ten years back, I was a playboy. I had a great fan following for my looks and my lifestyle, but not for my heart. I was at the peak of my career, had a strong family background and the best of friends. Basically, life was perfect! But life doesn’t stay the same. Anushkaa was the reason for me to fall in love with a soul, and not the body. She taught me to enjoy life with whatever I had in the now.

Ayush is Ayush, because of Anushkaa. Another message from Anushkaa came in. How did you celebrate New Year’s Eve? I smiled and replied, It was a quiet dinner at a friend’s place. I was back home by 1. Then I watched a movie and slept off. She sent me a smiley in response and I told her I would give her a video call soon. I wish Anushkaa was here. Though I could feel her around me all the time. I loved Anushkaa to eternity and was as much in love with her as she was with me. May be more than that, but I was scared to confess it. Random fears clouded my mind. Will she be okay with the age difference between us? Will her family accept a divorcee?




Anushkaa was scared to express her feelings for me because she didn’t know if I felt the same for her or not. Only if she had known that love is like a dense forest, where only the forest existed.

Anushkaa
Last Year January

I woke up at my regular time that morning too. I had trained my mind enough to wake up at the same time every day. My mornings would start with gratitude to god and the universe for everything I had. I woke up and walked out to my balcony. It was freezing cold, but I still wanted to feel the breeze. I was in my sweater, monkey cap and socks, yet I shivered. More than anything else, the morning felt as re- juvenating as a field full of lavender flowers. While the world had partied hard on New Year’s Eve, I had bid adieu to a day and welcomed another. Year, dates and days are only supplementary. Inner happiness matters the most in reality.

Until you change, or make up your mind to change yourself and your situ- ation, nothing would feel closer to the goal. I made coffee for myself while my parents were still fast asleep. Sipping my coffee with some soothing music playing in my room, I was making plans to visit Nainital and surprise Ayush. I was sure he would be elated to see me. I just wanted to hug him and walk through the mountains, hand in hand with him. The silence between us would talk more, I was sure. That’s the kind of love I always wished for, and Ayush was on the same wave length as me. I missed Ayush a lot and his words echoed in my ears loud and clear.

Ayush was my colleague at the place I had joined seven years back. He had trained me and taken me through what would be my role in the team. Ayush had layers of lies hiding his true nature. It generally happens to all of us, when surrounded by energies that contrast with our energies. We start to absorb whatever is around us, gradually hid- ing our true self. I picked my bag in which I generally kept my phone before going to sleep. Keeping my phone away at night was the best detox for my mind. I saw many notifications across all social media profiles, flooded with New Year wishes.