I was in the middle of my late-night preparations for my final year exams when my phone buzzed. Swiping down the notification bar, I read the message:

"I need to speak with you."

It took me a second to realize from whom the message originated—Sanjana. My nemesis.

For as long as I could remember, we had been locked in an unspoken competition. Chess club, carnatic singing, swimming, academic rankings—she always seemed to be one step ahead. Even now, in college, I could feel her shadow over me. People always told me that one day, I'd finally come out on top. But that day had yet to come. There is always a story behind Prema and Sanjana Or, more accurately, Sanjana and Prema, because even in my own mind, she always had to come first. Oh, and by the way, I am Prema. Thanks for reading my blog.

The worst sting came when Varun—my crush—asked her out before I could even gather the courage to confess. I told myself I was over it, that I had moved on, that my studies were more important. But seeing them together, laughing, holding hands—it still hurt. The worst part is I’m pretty sure only a hand full of people knew that they were dating. Being amongst the very few who knew was no prize for me.

I stared at her message, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. What did she want?

"???" I typed back.

We weren’t friends. Our conversations never went beyond class notes and the occasional answer comparison.

Her reply came almost immediately.

"Can I call?"

I turned to glance at the clock. 1 AM. What could be so urgent? Curiosity got the better of me.

"Sure," I responded.

As the phone rang, my mind raced. Had she and Varun broken up? Was she reaching out to me about it? But why would she come to me of all people? The thought was ridiculous.

The moment I answered, she skipped all pleasantries and blurted out, "Do you find Varun attractive? If you were me, would you be with him?"

I froze.

"What?" was all I could manage. Where was this coming from? Me? Of all people?

"I don’t know," she said. "We’re not friends, Prema, and I think you know that. But I can't shake this feeling that Varun will leave me."

I felt my face heat up, frustration bubbling inside me.

"Okay. But what does that have got to do with me? Why are you thinking it’s a good idea to discuss this with me.”

I added before she had another word with my curiosity getting the better of me, “Why do you think that he is going to leave you?”

"I am not sure…" she said, her voice eerily steady, "Maybe, if we catch him with someone else. That's the only way I'll be sure."

I let out a sharp breath. "I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. I’m going to sleep. You should too—maybe it'll help with your paranoia. And while you're at it, maybe see a doctor. We can discuss this tomorrow morning."

I ended the call before she could say another word.

Still confused, I climbed into bed, not even realizing I had forgotten to set my alarm.

When I finally woke up, sunlight was already streaming through my window. I groggily reached for my phone. Several missed calls from unknown numbers. But what caught my attention was a message from the college administration:

"Classes are cancelled for the day. Students are expected to stay in their rooms. Please cooperate with the police investigation."

My stomach twisted. Police investigation?

I immediately checked the class group chat.

The first message of the day made my blood run cold:

"Guys, they found Sanjana hanging in her room. It was complete chaos in the morning."

The world tilted. My fingers went numb. The phone slipped from my grasp.

Before I could think, I rushed to the bathroom, threw open the toilet seat, and vomited until there was nothing left inside me.

I opened up my phone again, only to realize that Sanjana had sent me a video that is viewable only once. Panicked on what to do with this, I started to wonder whether it was a good idea to open it or not. But my anxiety and curiosity got the better of me. I played the video.

“I’m sorry but I have no one else to turn to. I feel like walls are closing up on me. I know that both of us have not been on the same page always but I feel like both of us are cut from the same cloth more than you realize. I am not even sure if I have friends anymore. Some people used to find me smart. For some, I am a charming person. But ever since I started dating Varun, I feel like all those People have started to avoid me like the plague. I can see that I am not prioritizing my studies. I have been isolated from the entire world. I know that I am not making any sense right now. Can you tell Varun that I love him and that I am sorry for not seeing through whatever we had going on between us? Please tell him that I am very sorry. I’m counting on you to pass on this message. Good bye…”

After saying all that, she got out of the chair she was sitting in, placed it under the fan and started to tie the rope around it and made the noose. She then gave a smirk to the video and stopped recording. That was probably the ghastliest of smiles I would ever see in my lifetime. I’m pretty sure she would have hit sent immediately after that.

That’s when I realized something else as well. My stomach still had something left as I puked again but this time I puked on my hostel room floor.

A few days later, things seemed like it went back to normal. I was grilled for hours by the police on what I had talked with Sanjana before she decided to give up. I told them that I honestly had no clue and it was out of character for her to even speak with me that late in the night. For some reason, the Police stopped bugging as she at least had the decency to leave behind a suicide message saying that it was completely her decision and no one had pushed her to do this. Since it was a suicide with a clear explanation, the Police left earlier than I anticipated. By that time, her parents came in to take out the rest of her stuff and head back home. Her room was sealed off using bright yellow tape which read “Police – Crime Scene – Do not Cross”

But the one thing…the only one thing that I couldn’t understand all this while –If she was able to send a video to me, what prevented her to send one to Varun? Why did she choose me for her dying wish? How do I fit into this puzzle? These were some of the things that haunted my sleep ever since Sanjana died.

Then something weird happened. Weirder than I had anticipated. I got a parcel from her parents. It turns out that Sanjana had asked her parents before she died to send all of her notes to me. I am not sure what she was thinking or if she was thinking that her sending her handwritten notes would ensure that I would return the favor by passing on her apologies to Varun. I am not sure but the cynic in me started to overthink. The cynic almost convinced the rational person inside me that Sanjana was gaslighting me beyond the grave and that she was mocking me by sending me notes preemptively before I could ask for it. It was like she knew that I would ask for her notes this close to the final exams. Maybe the cynic was not too wrong. Or maybe I am just overthinking like I mentioned. Sorry for the digression.

The thought of her leaving that video invaded my senses and I had lost focus over my examinations. But I just couldn’t concentrate. I tried my level best but I just couldn’t. I stood my ground all this while and had not opened her notes to study. My ego just couldn’t let me do it until now. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I opened her book and started reading. I never knew that Sanjana had the insights to break down each topic into the simplest of sentences. Or maybe I was just hallucinating this new found respect for her. I don’t think even god could have figured out what was going on inside me.

The next day, I walked in confidently into the exam hall. I knew that there was no Sanjana for me to beat anymore and I would be the class topper finally. Finally…It feels very weird to say that. I was the last person to enter the classroom and I noticed that I was the last person to enter. But to my surprise, there were no two empty desks. The other one belonged to Varun.

Both Sanjana and Varun were absent on that day for obvious reasons. What was once a close guarded secret was now an open one. Speculations went rife that Varun had something to do with Sanjana ending her life. A little part of me also wanted to participate in that debate but somehow it did not make sense for me. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the entire story with me.

But what was the entire story? Why did she kill herself? These questions resonated inside me as I tried to write my final examinations. Needless to say, it was too late before I realized that I almost tanked my final examinations. Don’t worry. I did not fail. My GPA however took a nosedive. It was almost like I was still looking over my shoulder. Muscle memory maybe, but all these years whenever I needed motivation to write like a mad woman, all I had to do was look behind me and see Sanjana laser focused and engrossed in her answer sheet trying to solve the problem in an instant. I honestly do not know how she was able to manage all the stress. Or was she immune to that? Only she knew but didn’t bother to let anyone else knew before it was too late.

Only this time her desk was not the only thing that I turned and leered at. I was looking at Varun’s desk as well. It turned out that Varun and Sanjana used to sit parallel to each other and it was obvious for their eyes to cross and eventually they fell in love. Or at least that’s what I would like to think.

With Sanjana out of the way…Sorry for the sounding sinister but with her not being alive, I was free to step out of her shadows once and for all. I could be the university topper! I could top the swimming meets and win the Chess open tournaments. But something inside me just let off steam. It was like I had run a marathon and my legs suddenly gave out. I couldn’t take another step let alone cross the finish line.

Maybe it was just the adrenaline that was pushing me to go ten rounds with her every day. But now I feel like the only roadblock I have in front of my victory and day of jubilee…was no longer Sanjana…it was me.

I stumbled out of the exam hall looking like numb and pale. Then I saw him…Varun was sitting in front of Sanjana’s picture under the old banyan tree in our department building’s courtyard. All of the candles that our entire department had lit last night had worn out except for the fresh one that Varun kept on lighting still went on. I felt like this was the moment to tell him what Sanjana wanted to pass on. Her dying message. But the insecure person inside me started to whisper some nasty stuff to me.

Why should it fall on your head to tell this to him? How is this your problem? With her gone, you can have him all to yourself. Do you really want to get in the middle of this? You already made a mess of your final examinations. Are you really going to ruin your personal life by telling him about how you shut off his girlfriend moments before she killed herself? Do you really think that you will have a shot with him if you say anything now?

Shot with him…I think I ruined that the minute I realized I was too late to the party. I should have acted immediately. Something that I regret till date. Maybe it was destiny that Varun has to go through this trauma to end up with me. I mean, a girl can dream can’t she? But what exactly am I supposed to do at this point? Offer him emotional support? I am not really great at that.

I started thinking of simpler times when Varun was just a smart looking guy cracking jokes with his friends. I wanted to ask him out but it turned out things ignited between Varun and Sanjana before that. Not long after that, the same courtyard where Varun is sitting like his world just ended, was their usual meeting spot and hours long study sessions.

I always wonder how it would have been if I had made the first move. I had always wondered about a lot of things on how life would be if I were ahead of Sanjana at every juncture. Would she have been envious about me if the roles were reversed? Or was she better than that? Come to think of it, would I have been really that head focussed and go on about my way in life? My entire life Sanjana had been a presence in my story. Or rather should I say, she featured in most of the chapters. Was I even a part of it? If I wasn’t a part of it for the predominant part, why did she choose me to guest star in the closing moments?

I noticed Varun getting up. Possibly to walk off the sinking feeling that Sanjana was not there with him anymore. I am not sure if one can walk off someone they lost over the next few days but I certainly hope that he will eventually. Again, sorry for sounding sinister. All of a sudden, I realized that Varun was looking over at my direction. I blushed all of a sudden and in a hurry, opened the first book I had in my hands. It was Sanjana’s notebook.

That’s when I stumbled across a note she had handwritten for me. It read, “I am sorry. I realized that I cannot take back my request to you. I was not confident enough to tell Varun myself on how deeply regretful I am to not leave back a message for him. I thought long and hard on what to tell him or whether I should try to convince him to forget me like a bad dream and move on. I am not even sure if something like that would work. But most importantly I wanted to apologize to you. I had zero rights to impose something like this on you. Gosh, if I were in your place, I would be stumped on how to approach Varun with this. But I have complete faith in you that you’ll deliver my apologies to him. Sorry again for pushing you to do this…”

And that was that. I had no idea on what to do with this note or how to initiate contact with Varun. I was not even sure if he knew who he was to begin with. But I decided it was time that I got this over with…I went to him, tapped on his shoulder and handed over this note to him. I didn’t utter one word. But when I saw Varun holding back his tears, I had lost control over mine. Both of us didn’t say a word to each other but grief that engulfed us. Both of us lost someone a few days ago. But only one of us were in love with her.

I wanted to give it some more time. There was no point in trying to keep talking to him because frankly I had no clue on what I was going to say to him. Tough luck that she died, get a move on? Something refined along those lines maybe. While typing this, I am beginning to wonder if I was always this unapologetic. I used to think I was a very timid person. The gal who always finished second. The winner was very always very popular and outspoken. I always felt like my voice was unheard of.

But with Sanjana gone, something weird happened. I thought it would take a few months for everyone to get over her. But it turns out it was just a matter of days. Juniors started to surround me whenever they find time to ask doubts on some subjects they are not sure of. Faculty members asking me to volunteer and step-up among the school body. I have to admit the limelight felt weirder than comforting. My mind kept going to back to one thing – Did I really deserve this? Did I get the spotlight on my own merit or because my nemesis decided to kill herself?

A few weeks later, the results were in and guess what…I was not the university topper. The final examinations turned out to be an abomination for me. For the first time in my life, I had failed in a paper. The guy who was third behind me and Sanjana got into the honour roll as the university topper. Not even sure if he had thought in his wildest dreams that he will suddenly be propelled into the history books. Congratulations man. But I am not sure if you really did deserve it. I didn’t even bother to learn his name or which college he was from. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know who I am or who Sanjana was.

Before long, I was home for a short break. My father was furious when he heard that I had failed in the last paper. It was a matter of pride for him and the rest of the family. My mother on the other hand was sympathetic. She asked me if everything was okay. That was when the floodgates opened. I started weeping in her arms and showed her the note Sanjana left me and told her all about the video she sent me. She was also dumbfounded on what to say.

Along with me, my mother also knew Sanjana for a very long time. Wherever me and Sanjana went, our mothers came along with us. They formed a bond without them even realizing it. They gradually drifted apart after the two of us were shipped off to college. Sanjana won a scholarship and I had to pay a hefty capitation fee to enter. Pretty sure my father is still pissed that I couldn’t beat Sanjana in that as well.

Sorry for the digression again…My mother asked me if I had checked in with Varun and how he was doing. To be honest, that thought did not even occur to me until then. I heeded to my mother’s words and left Varun a recorded message, “Don’t worry. This is not what you think it is…Sorry but it came out wrong…Just wanted to check up on you as it had been a while. Maybe we can talk if you are up to it. Bye.”

He called me back immediately on hearing it. He asked, “How are you doing Prema?”

I replied, “I have had better days to be honest. It feels very weird to talk about this. And I honestly cannot believe that this is meant to the first proper conversation we have. I had been running this scenario a thousand times in my head and I hate to have blurt this over this phone call. But I always have had a crush on you and it nearly broke me in half when you and Sanjana started dating.”

There was some awkward silence in between. He broke the ice, “I am sorry that you felt this way. I wish I could say something to make thing better but I don’t think this is the right time to discuss any of that…”

I am not sure why I was upset hearing that. Maybe it was the petty person inside me who wanted closure but I clapped back, “Why her? I don’t care if you not chosen me…But why her? What did you see in Sanjana that I lacked?”

My mind at that moment was expecting him to clapback with some quirky comment or something that would be enough to shut me up. But to my surprise he said, “Because she asked me about. I wish I could say something like she was the one or it was destiny. I chose her because she asked me out. She was smart, bright, beautiful and genuinely a kind person who never knowingly hurt anyone…”

I shouted, “Knowingly hurt anyone huh…What the hell do you know about that…She is the most incredibly selfish person I know…”

He immediately shouted back, “I think this is where you stop talking before I say something that I am going to regret…”

I gave it back, “Come on Varun…Aren’t you a little bit curious on why she chose to call me instead of you? Because it’s eating me alive. Of all the people in the world…There are ones who are dear to her like you or her parents…Yet she chose me…” and then I started to let out the waterworks again.
I’m not sure whether Varun heard me sob or if I had stumped him with the question, I had no clue why he was staying silent for a while. I composed myself and asked him, “Do you want to know what she actually asked me minutes before she died?”

He finally gave out a single word reply, “What?”

“She asked me if I found you attractive. Obviously I still do but she asked me if I had any idea if you have any plans on leaving her. Were you planning to do that?”

Before he could answer I wanted to have the final word, “She also asked me if I can help her in tailing you and catching you in the act…what act you might ask…Pretty sure she was suspecting you of cheating on her. Are you really a two-faced scumbag?”

Varun was silently listening to me ranting about his girlfriend. “Well, she truly does deserve you I guess! She had to beat me on everything. She just couldn’t let me have anything, couldn’t she…”

I went on and on, “She had to be the class topper, the school topper and she just couldn’t let me be the university topper as well. Even when she wasn’t alive, she made it her life’s mission to mess with my head just days before the final examination…Even her life was going to be limited, she still had to screw mine! All it took was a cryptic call and an even more weird video to drive me insane! You tell me what the hell did I ever do wrong? I was never mean to her. I never berated her whenever she won at every tournament. All I ever wanted was to work hard and beat her at something. Was that really too much to ask…?”

Varun finally spoke up, “Can I ask you something? This is something I am sure no one has asked so far…Are you okay?”

I have to admit that this was the most important question that kept me up at night all this time. Not whether if Sanjana was alive, whether I would have beat her in anything, on why she chose me to pass on her final message to you, whether I would have been with Varun if I had beaten Sanjana to the punch. No one bothered to ask me if I was okay after the one constant that I had in my life was gone. Maybe that’s why Sanjana had thought of me just before she died. I did believe she was smart enough to think foresee that I couldn’t go on without the competition. In many ways, I think she knew that the both of us knew that we needed each other.

I responded after a long pause, “I don’t think I am doing very well Varun. I am not sure on how long it will take for me to come back to normal or I could ever be normal anymore…I think Prema died a little when Sanjana decided to off herself. I don’t think I know who I am anymore…”

Varun remarked, “That’s the most absurd thing that I have ever heard. Your life doesn’t necessarily have to end just because your nemesis is no longer here to compete with you. You are destined to live your life and you better believe that you have to start living it on your terms. Just to set the record straight…I never once cheated on her. I never had any intention on leaving her. She had dreams…I just wished she had talked to me what was wrong with her. She never bothered to open up about anything to anybody. Not even to me. I was taken back that she chose you to pass on her final message. I really was…”

I joked, “Maybe it was her twisted way of making sure that both of us had someone to seek comfort in after losing her. Wow, that selfish bitch!”

Without realizing, both of us started to let out a loud laugh. A laugh that neither of us realized that we needed at that time. A long-standing rivalry takes an unexpected turn when circumstances force one of us to turn to the other for solace in their moment of weakness. Just wish I had known what was wrong with her. I probably would have helped her out or maybe not…Those were still part of the questions that continued to haunt me.

I honestly do know if I will ever come out of Sanjana’s shadow. This is a recurring theme in the first post of this blog. My psychiatrist tells me that blogging might be a good outlet for me to let off whatever I am bottling inside. I am getting help. Much needed help. Many things are clearer now. I honestly believe that Sanjana did want me and Varun to comfort each other in her absence. But did he have to push us to the brink in order to achieve this? Our lives were never the same after she took out hers. Everything was fine the way it was…except for her maybe…I will never not think about what if…But only now I think of scenarios involving if Sanjana was still alive…Not if I had beat her in anything…The only person that I am focusing on beating is the insecure bitch still residing within me. Her days are numbered.

Prema. Or should I sign…The reborn Prema.

P.S. I am not dating Varun. I don’t intend to. Both of us are doing better every day. Thanks again for reading this blog guys. Do share your stories as well. For immediate mental health support in India, you can call the 24/7 toll-free Mental Health Rehabilitation Helpline KIRAN at 1800-599-0019.