Dear Me,

As a twenty-year-old girl, it is really strange to write down things I have never thought about before. I have never tried to write anything before, but these days I’m so lost in thoughts, so I wish to capture these thoughts, and I have an even greater need to get all kinds of things off my chest.

People Say “If it hurts don’t bleed just write.” I am thinking of this saying a lot these days when I feel my life is getting little serious as my age and this diary is going to be a little secret between me and myself.

I’m going to befriend myself like a real friend. Let me put it more precisely: I am writing this to find out how my true self feels when I am chasing my dream. Although I lost my father at the age of 17, I have a loving mother and a sixteen-year-old brother, and these two people are my world. I have a few people I can call friends. They feel home to me.

On the surface, I seem to have everything, but sometimes I really cannot bring myself to talk about anything with people whom I love. So to keep it real, I’ve started this diary, and I want me to be my friend, and I will call my friend Jashy.
Yours,
Jashna.



Sweet Endings

“So we are getting three-day holidays, right? ”I asked enthusiastically while chilling with my friends after a hectic viva voce. Oh yes! We'll be free for three days. The past week has been full of roller coaster rides, interviews, farewells, project submissions, and whatnot. My friend replied, relieved.

Sitting under the shadows of giant old trees where neither a cool nor a hot breeze blew, a squirrel ran back and forth in the shadows, timidly hearing our giggling noises. We were sharing the lunch of fried rice for four, where two were immersed in the joy of conversation, and the other two were fighting over whether to add ketchup for the last two spoonful of rice.

As the conversation went on again, it fell on how we performed in the back-to-back interviews. My gang became intense on the topic with worried faces. After the talk “See you guys, Prepare well for final exams then. ”After saying goodbye to my friend, I reached the bus stop.

Got bus standing on the window side, noticing the picturesque high-rise buildings disappearing quickly as the bus moved faster? In a conglomeration of emotions about the next phase of my life, I was lost in the thought of entering adulthood.


All set to be an adult

“Going to be an Adult?” Are you happy?” asked Jashy.

Of course, I got a job myself after a lot of struggle. Sure, I’ll be happy I replied. Waking up early, getting ready, and going to the job, visualization in the mind made me excited.

So, all you need is one job and stable income, right? Jashy questioned.

Yes, I will be on the safer side I firmly. I was proud.

My finals got over did well on exams. Things got out of hands around the world I learnt “centre extends coronavirus lockdown”
I prayed for Normal days.

Rush morning sitting in the window seat; headphones playing breezy melodies, Jazzy rocks and popping pop song tunes day for good. Arriving class; greeting friends, attending strict classes surprisingly sometimes not so strict after then cafeteria tour with limited food; limitless fun also chatterbox talks with silly laughs.

Returning home with bunch of memories is something I used to say longingly. Home seems no more fun I added. Yes, I want Normal days too Jashy joined.


Cowardice


“Dear shortlisted candidates, we are sorry to say that we are withholding the recruitment process due to the pandemic downturn,” my teary eyes highlighted the sentence. I was at a loss for words.

So what’s our Plan B? Jashy asked curiously.

Who knows? Let me sleep first; this is too much to handle, I thought. Weeks passed, and both the world and my inner turmoil stirred up to a tougher state. Jashy never shuts up and also started throwing tantrums. I can’t put up with it.

What’s next? Jashy reminded me; I avoided the question.

So what do you want to be? Jashy asked; I want to be at peace, I dodged.

Got time to think about the future? Jashy asked stubbornly; I have time, but I’m not sure about the future, I worried.

Be responsible, you coward, said Jashy harshly; I refused to be a coward.

As the days went by, I became clueless. The thought of getting a job struck me, and I searched for it, but recruitments were nowhere to be seen. If not a job, what can I do? I thought.

Wasting time? You’re quite skillful in that aspect, Jashy said bluntly.

Arrival of Dreams
Today, I called for door delivery of my groceries. My groceries arrived on an old moped bike, driven by an elderly man wearing a white vest with holes here and there, carrying

the carton box of groceries with both hands. As he came closer, it was noticeable that he had difficulty walking, dragging his right leg with each step. In contrast, his upper

body had a straight back and a chest-out posture, while his chin was up, carrying a gentle smile. "Must sanitize," he said, pointing to the groceries.

"That's perfect pronunciation," I complimented him naturally.

I asked him where he had learned that, curiously. "I'm a soldier from the past; ever heard of Kargil?" he asked.

"So you're saying the holes in the vest are bullet marks?" Jashy’s mind voice spoke. He laughed out loud upon hearing her.

"You got injured? Isn't that scary?" I asked.

"No," he said, "I was happy because it was my dream to fight for my country."

"Woah! You're so cool," I said, feeling goosebumps.

"You're such a champ; it was nice talking to you," he said as he bid farewell.

"Champ? Who? Me?" I thought. "You're a coward after all," Jashna reminded me.

"What does it feel like to be a champion?" I asked. "Champions have goals in life; they drive their lives, not the other way around," Jashna explained.

"Goal? Where do they get that? How do they get that? How do they know it's their goal? Is it nice to have one? How nice is it to have one?" For the first time, I took Jashy’s place in bombarding questions.

I asked Jashy, "Don't you think he is very cool?"

"He is cool because he has a goal," Jashy corrected me.

"Ahh! That’s why I want to know what is goal? You know? I asked with excitement.

"Goals are dreams," Jashy replied. "So people should have dreams to be cool? What if I say I'm thinking of getting one?" I said to her.

"A dream? You have one? How come I never knew?" Jashy asked curiously.

"I have none; I don't have any idea about it. You're going to help me, Jashy," I said.

"Let's see what it takes; let's see where it leads," Jashy completed.


Can I ?


I was thrilled to open the website and hurriedly typed my roll number. I’m so happy that I shouted, “Yeah! I’m a graduate now.”

I received a message stating that students are asked to attend the Google meeting at 2:30 PM without fail. Send off Meeting started, my head of the department advised students to dream big.

She added, “Dream of where you want to be, not with what you have now. Every achiever was once a dreamer, so dare to dream as big as possible,” she concluded. The meeting also ended on a good note. I was amazed by the speech.

While thinking about what I want to be, a phrase caught my attention in the newspaper: “Indian Young Diplomat’s Sharp Rebuke at the UN.” I read the news in detail. Can I be like her? Can I be a speaker? I asked. “Sure you can,” Jashy replied without hesitation.

“Just like that?” I asked her. “Just like that. Decisions may happen. Dreams come with a cost; you decide,” she advised.

“So, are we set with our dreams now?” Jashy asked. “Yes, I’m going to be an IFS officer,” I replied confidently.


What it takes to have the dream?


“So expensive,” I took a deep breath. Why are the tuition fees so high? They are not at all affordable, Jashy spoke my mind.

“Look out for free classes,” Jashy suggested. “Free classes on weekends? Shall we join?” I questioned.

“Absolutely, we are getting in no matter what! What will it take to get in?” Jashy asked.

“We have to take the entrance test,” I added.

“Let’s download the books and ace the test,” Jashy motivated.

A few weeks later, we knew we had aced the test.

Jashy and I saw a ray of hope and decided to pursue it. We ran hard every day from 4 a.m. to 10 p.m., pouring our hearts and souls into filling our bags with dreams.

“Already prelims? I’m going crazy,” I said. “Let’s fight, partner; wishing us all the success,” Jashy replied, being Jashy
.
Just like that, the prelims were over; the phase of preparation for the war began. I’m working on my strategies, gaining strength, and identifying weaknesses. Time runs so fast.

I received the news that I passed the prelims.

Sometimes I ask Jashy, "Do you think I'm good enough?" Jashy replies, "You're more than enough."

"Am I smart?" I ask. "You’re smarter," Jashy completes.

"Will this work?" I inquire. "We will make it work," Jashy says determinedly.

"Can I be honest? I’m scared," I admit. "That's totally fine. Get some rest and relax; we’ll make it for sure," Jashy assures me.

Every day felt like a big deal, and the D-day also arrived. I gave everything, and Jashy is proud of me for putting an end to the war successfully.

"I’m feeling the breeze," I said. "Let’s feel this breeze every day," Jashy added. "One more round to go. Talk for you to talk for the nation," Jashy said. "I’m going to ace it," I believed in myself as I went to prepare.

The intense fight was over, and Jashy and I screamed in joy as we waited for the results.


The moment came—the moment I felt over the moon because I saw my name: “Jashna Srinivas.”