Not Like I was in Love With Him

{A real story...?}

I felt driven to capture these thoughts because there were countless moments when my heart raced with excitement, whispering, "Oh my God! He's absolutely perfect." Without a doubt, he is an incredible friend who understands me nicely. During those days, he shone like a beacon of light in my life, bringing joy and warmth that made everything feel right. Something that I ended up considering my 'first love'. Crazy, right?

___

It was a period marked by the lingering shadows of the last wave of COVID-19 in India—a time when schools stood silent and vacant, their gates barred against the bustling life that once filled their halls. The world of education had shifted to the digital realm, where the flicker of screens replaced the chatter of classroom conversations. Each child, eager yet uncertain, had meticulously chosen their subjects, and classes were assigned accordingly. I found myself immersed in the biology section, intriguingly labelled the medical section for reasons that were not entirely clear to us. The air was thick with the faint echo of distant learning as we logged in from our homes, our faces illuminated by the glow of our devices. And I was one of those great people who took Mathematics along with Biology in 11th. Yes, I had PCMB, that is, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, and Mathematics.

No, I am not saying bad things about those kids. Some of those PCMB students were so talented that they were excelling in the subject, and some were so incapable of handling the burden. And I surely fell in the second category. As much as science had fascinated me in 10th, it was becoming equally difficult for me in 11th. Firstly, I wasn't able to understand anything during online classes, and the rest of my time was taken away by my laziness.

I did not use to make notes, and my friend circle was not that studious. And that's when I talked to this person, asking for notes. This was the only conversation that happened between me and him most of the time. And then suddenly, only the last 2 months of 11th were left, in which we were finally able to see the school. It was during this time that I met him for the first time. He was sitting with his friend, and I and my two friends were sitting at the desk in front of his desk. The five of us became friends very quickly. As they say, instantly.

Then what more, we were promoted to 12th, and our friendship deepened, and invisible feelings for him started developing in my heart. The value of these feelings increased further when he joined my coaching, and that too, he was in my batch. What a coincidence that was. I am still glad it happened. Our friendship grew even stronger from that point on. During our time together, we discussed school, studies, coaching, our personal lives, and shared experiences. We often sat together in coaching and at school, as our group tended to stay close. As a result, we were mostly around each other, and I didn’t even notice when I started to feel a bit jealous. He was an extrovert, and I was an introvert.

He would quickly mingle with people, and I would sit in a peaceful place and listen to songs. When I realized this jealousy, I was like, what is this and why is it happening? And my meaning was the same in both the questions, 'Why?'

Months passed, and now, along with these jealous feelings, I also started getting liking feelings for him. And after a good, like a very good long discussion with my online friends (because the rest of my friends were in the same group as him so I couldn't risk it), I finally decided to confess. So I confessed it to him on Instagram DMs. Yeah, I know, very weird. I couldn't go further than this. Writing a letter in class and leaving it on his desk was a very risky and stupid idea. I could not do it on WhatsApp because Dad would take the phone occasionally for some work (not checking though), so I could not take the risk there either. So, Instagram was the only option left because firstly, notifications were off, and secondly, Dad wasn't interested in checking Instagram (lol).

His reply was, "This is a mutual feeling." Oh God, this one line thudded in my heart. I was trying to hide my red cheeks at home. Please don't ask me how I confessed. Now, when I think about it, what a gross way I had written the confession. We surely didn't date and didn't get into a relationship. Because there were studies, board examinations, and medical entrance, there was so much to handle. And apparently, we weren't ready, either. But at this time, as much as I was crazy about him, I was equally insecure. And it wasn't his fault; I was always insecure about myself (and still am). In contrast, he used to encourage me.

Again, there were discussions with friends, they explained things to me, I explained things to myself and I got a little better. Though he was not expressive and obvious about his liking me, he surely showed his jealousy. There were many instances when I remember and then be surprised like, "He also gets jealous?"

First of all, I am such a stupid person. If someone does the bare minimum for me, then I will melt completely. And he used to do that, I mean I used to feel exactly the romantic novels vibes. And why I am calling myself stupid, you will know after reading the next few paragraphs.

So one day, I couldn't go to coaching as I was having cramps, plus it was raining, and mom was not well either. And since there were online classes along with offline classes, so I joined the online classes. But God knows why my laptop's microphone gave up its job, that too at the time of attendance. So I messaged him to inform sir while I'll drop a text in the message box too. He did, and we were taking classes normally when suddenly my mom's health worsened and her emergency medicines were finished, so I decided to go and buy her the medicines. I texted him about it and also told him to pass me the notes afterwards, or I'll just text back after I return.

I came back after some time, gave medicine to Mom, took some rest, and then texted him, asking what sir made me do in class and all. Now I had gone to buy medicines, but I had forgotten about the umbrella in the rain. Not much, but I definitely got drenched. And if I get even a little wet, I get a fever, so that was what happened. By night, I had a mild fever. I thought that since I had cramps and a fever, I would not go to school the next day. So I told him that I might not come to school the next day.

And then I read his reply, "Are you okay, hun?" That was it, I started blushing. This one sentence surely had removed the sick feeling from my mind. A wave of a different kind of energy ran through my body. And after this, as far as I remember, I attended school the next day.

___

Damn! I was that 'crazy in love' type of girl. I was able to relate to the cringeworthy romantic dialogues in written movies. I used to hope that some cute scenes like in those romantic novels would happen to me, too. It was weird! I used to tell everyone that "No, I don't like him and blah blah..." But no, I was so obvious because of my antics that my classmates used to tease me. There are so many stories like this that if I sit down to write them, it will become a new book. I used to say the same thing to my best friend, "It's not like I am in love with him." Only for her to tease me because she knew me and that I was in love with him.

It's been more than two years now to that whole phase now; I have moved on so has he. We are good friends. We don't talk much as he's focused on his entrance examination, and I am immersed in my college stuff. Now, when I remember those days, I understand how crazy I was for him. What a fool I was for him. But... whatever it is, whatever I was at that time, I learned and understood a lot from it. I felt that nervousness, I felt that insecurity, I felt that confusion, I felt that jealousy... I discovered a lot of emotions at that time. And I am glad I did.

As a writer, a poet, I have written many poems related to that, written many povs and short stories. I was fascinated by how I was describing each line with much better emotion and way. Maybe that was the sign for me to put this story into words. Surely, it won't be fully real. I'll add fictional elements, but that real story would be hidden.

I mean, yeah, it's not like I was in love with him. (You have read it all anyway.)

So, what's your verdict-- was I in love with him or not?