Yes, I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia!
In this piece of work, I will narrate my experience of how schizophrenia came into my life and how I overcame it. In 2018, six years back, after completing my master’s in technology, I wanted to pursue a doctorate in Chemical Engineering. After passing the interview I was selected in the prestigious Indian Institute of Technology to proceed for my dream. It was wonderful to work with great professors and laboratory. In the initial screening examination that determined whether I am deemed fit for PhD, I performed well at the comprehensive examination and scored a distinction score.
Everything was going fine and suddenly one day I started seeing something on the walls and heard some voices. I could not understand what was going on. Unusual fear surrounded my head and suicidal feelings were erupting in my mind with no reason. At first, I tried to understand that everything was fine and would get better. However, this continued for three days. I messaged my brother something unusual, seeing which he ran from home to meet me. He came and saw my condition. My eyes were bulging, and my reaction was very different now. He understood that not everything was fine, and he took me home. At home, I saw my parents crying after seeing me. The worst thing was that I was not able to recognize my parents and the pain they were going through.
I was taken to my family doctor, and he consoled my father that everything is fine, and this is normal if a person does not get good sleep. However, my condition was getting worse. Now that Covid-19 accompanied this period, and this disturbed me and my family more. My father decided to take me to a psychiatrist as he understood that my situation was not normal. I was taken to a renowned doctor, and he listened to my situation for 15 minutes. After this he declared that it is schizophrenia. He also consoled that this is a difficult situation; however, it can be controlled if the girl keeps her willpower intact. From a mentally fit and jovial girl, I was given medical pills. This was not acceptable to me. After two months of medication, I was putting on weight and I looked worse in my appearance. This led to my low confidence as mental health and overweight, both area taboo in our society.
I was not getting better as the hallucinations were still there and fear did not go completely. Now that 2020 had arrived and Covid was at its second wave which hit my complete family including me. It was more difficult than before. Already my family was not able to cope with my situation, now they all were covid-positive. Nobody was there to take care of us, and we were quarantined one by one. Somehow, each of one of us recovered slowly and the difficult time was fading. The worst thing was that I was so fearful that I did not want to get out of my room and was about to quit my PhD. I emailed my professor that I cannot continue my doctorate work. However, they were determined that I will be fine, and I will overcome fear, Covid and other problems. I somehow was convinced.
After a few months, I had to give a presentation for my senior research fellowship, for which I was not prepared well. However, my professors motivated me, and I performed well at this examination. They appreciated me for my work, and this made me feel that I am fit to pursue my dream of getting a doctorate. Not only this, but I also won first prize in international conferences during this period itself. All these commendations brought my lost confidence in me. I was feeling better however, not fully recovered. Post-covid, I went to college and attended a laboratory. I found that my peers had published their work in renowned journals, and I am here with no results. This brought back anxiety however I continued working hard. I worked on high pressure reactors and worked for 9 hours a day. Hallucinations were surmounting my head, but I let them off. I was fearful and still I could hear voices and pictures on walls. I was adamant and remembered my doctors’ advice that my willpower would make me strong. This made me strong and in 2022 I was able to make my first publication in American Chemical Society and second publication in 2023.
I fulfilled the criterion for PhD completion and was ready to submit my dissertation. This worked I completed within next six months and I grabbed a position of Research Associate in Indian Institute of Science, the most prestigious university of India and known globally. I alone shifted from north India to south India and still living there alone. I am honored with a doctorate degree on 27th July 2024, fulfilling my dream. Not only this, but I also joined Zumba classes and lost weight and got me back in shape.
The support of my family and my professors brought me this day of hope and shine. I am still on medication and still some fear encounters me; however, it all lies within your domain. It is important to maintain the willpower even if the situation is worse. It is important to align your senses even if you are losing them all.