Yes, I am a girl with no heart. I am introverted, arrogant, and selfish. That's how people who exist in my life recognize me. I am really sorry I didn't allow them to take me for granted. I remember how I was called jealous and possessive when I tried to tell him how much I love him. Of course, I have been understanding towards him every time. I just don't like him staring at the bodies of other women before me, zooming at their photos on his phone. Praising someone is fine, but zooming in on another woman's body even before your wife. Is it fine? I wasn't being insecure there. I just wanted him to know his behavior is not right. I can't believe how far I've come in life. Losing my identity as an innocent and soft hearted girl, I've now become a more stubborn, practical, and self-centered woman. The journey from a girl to a woman wasn't easy. I can't recall how many heartbreaks I had. I would let my words scream the tales of my pain.
The first heartbreak
"I am sorry, dear; I couldn't give you enough time." Raj requested me to stay after years of waiting and crying for his time. I wasn't sure he loved me or not. I knew I loved him. The craze of first love drove me crazy. Everything in the world blurred to me, except for him. His happiness, his time, attention, and love. My world started and ended there.
It was three years ago when we met in the college. Fate had to bring us closer through frequent meetings.
As a researcher and an entrepreneur, he was always open to networking. He had a number of ideas and projects. In the very first meeting in our college canteen.
"Hi, this is our latest project. I would like you to help me with this, only if you are interested." He told me as he passed a brown file on the canteen table.
I hadn't been performing academically well since I had left the school. Something at that time headed me towards exciting things. Love was one of the most exciting things I had ever desired.
"I shall click the photos of the project. I will let you know of my decision tomorrow. Same place, same time."
"Why are you so confused? Take your time." He smiled at my confused expressions.
I wanted the day to end fast and the next evening to come.
Every lecture that day seemed to be longer than ever. I even skipped my favorite lunch at the hotel mess that day.
"Are you okay? You look happy today." My best friend Riya asked me, her eyes looking into mine.
"Yes, I am okay. I am not happy. I am okay."
I knew she didn't believe my stammering words. I jumped in excitement when the mobile screen displayed 5:00 pm.
"Hello, Raj sir, Where are you? I am in the canteen waiting for you. I've got something interesting to add to the project."
I asked as my shivering fingers dialed his number.
"I will be there in 15 minutes."
"Okay!" The seniors at the neighborhood table stared at me. Some smiled, while some were embarrassed.
10 minutes later, he was there with the file.
"Good evening. What's the most interesting thing you know about the project?"
"I'll tell you right now. What about a coffee or tea?"
"Nice tea!"
"Really!"
The conversations continued until the canteen clock struck 7 pm, which was the time of the hostel main gate closing.
This time was one of the most special days in my life. However, life took an unexpected turn after a few meetings.
"Why can't we meet like every other couple in the college? I really want to spend time with you."
"See, I know you want to roam with me like other couples, but we can't do it. Every teacher knows me. My respiratory system will be damaged."
Speechless, I stood there and begged him to give me time. Nothing could happen, yet my heart believed things would change.
Two years later, my exhausted heart stopped beating for him. A few days later,
"Please stop. I know I've been very rude and uncaring towards you. I've been busy with work."
"Nobody wants your time now. You can go now. We're breaking up. It's over now."
These last words marked our separation. The separation that marked my rebirth.
The Petrifying Vows
"I could've never married you if I knew you wouldn't follow our command. If you can't do what we want, we can no longer stay together."
"Sorry, but we are life partners. How can we stay apart when we have a marriage to save?
"I married you for dowry. We needed a daughter-in-law who could earn money for us."
"Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could've refused the marriage already."
"We weren't getting any proposals. The ones we sent also got rejected. We couldn't afford to lose an easy target."
"You people cheated me? How could you do this? You know I lost our unborn child in this process."
"I don't care about the child. If you can't earn for us, you can go."
Shattered and ruined completely, I was left in pieces.
"Please let go of all. Let's save our marriage." I requested him as tears flew from my eyes.
Dec 7, 2023
"Make it fast. The wedding procession might be arriving."
My mother hurried as she assembled turmeric, sandal, and some other pious materials for the tilak ceremony.
All my relatives were busy, rushing throughout the house.
"Gudia, where are you?" Have you done the one I gave you?
"Yes, Mummy, I am doing it. I will finish it soon."
The conversation between my mother and sister continued with some other conversations regarding preparations.
"Neeti ke papa, have you brought everything on the list?"
"Yes, I've got it all."
"Please see all the halwais and caterers. Also see the gifts we got ready for the relatives."
"Yes, I am leaving for the hall."
A few hours later, a number of men, women, and his relatives arrived at our house. Anuj looked handsome in that sherwani, seated on the chariot.
My eyes saw a thousand dreams the moment my mother applied tilak on his forehead. Every eye in our family was imagining a wonderful future for their daughter and sister.
The marriage hall gleamed in the darkness. Monochromatic lights shone, with every element of nature screaming celebration.
As our car arrived at the marriage hall, my sisters helped me walk in the heavy lehenga.
Everyone was looking at me. My heart thumped a thousand times, wondering about the garland exchange ceremony.
We had a few popular poses for the bride and groom as a part of the pre-wedding photoshoot.
My hands shivered the moment I had to put garland around his neck. My heartbeat got exponential as we got closer.
Every ritual that followed was fine until it was about the seven vows and vermilion.
I experienced the most emotional moments of my life— my Kanyadaan and vermilion filling in my hair. I could see the pain of separation and hope for a bright future in my parents' eyes.
"Every vow around the fire ignited the flame of separation from my family. I know it's a ritual, but as a daughter, it was the most painful moment for me.
At around 8 am, it was time for farewell. I could see the silence on my parents' and siblings' lips.
Their silence in the crown of relationships pierced through my heart. My father, who never showed me love, hugged me for the first time in my life. That hug with my parents melted me to the core.
Shivering steps, a jumping heartbeat, and a frozen body walked towards the car. The strong man of our family didn't even come out to bid me farewell.
Everything was fine until the reception and other rituals. The happiness turned its back when, months later, my in-laws and husband forced me to get a high-paying job. Having a job wasn't an issue. The real issue was in finding a job that could cater to the needs of their family—a family of 7. Sometimes this number could increase up to 8 or more, depending on the visit of sisters-in-law, husbands, and their children.
I didn't have a great work experience or a great package earlier. I was fine with whatever I was earning. The repeated pressure from their side led me to a job, which was the same as my husband's.
Yes, he used to stay in a famous city in the vicinity of Delhi. I luckily landed a job over there, but the package wasn't too high. It was still the same. I, however, was about to make a start.
"How much did you spend this month?"
"What?"
"I said, how much did you spend this month? I need all the records."
"Why? I mean, you never told this to me earlier."
"See, you'll have to share all your transactions and expenditures."
"Can I ask for your records?"
"Why shall I give you mine? I am your husband, and you have to obey what I say."
"That's wrong. We should be responsible together. You can't do this to me."
"You can spend your earned money on yourself for only the next month."
The debate sparked after a few days of my job and settled at the moment.
The next month brought me yet another happy moment. My periods were missing. Nervous and happy, I took a test. To my surprise, both lines were pink.
I couldn't be happier than that day. When he came from the office, I told my husband everything. We were finally happy our life was going to be blessed.
"Listen, I have something for you."
"Have you brought my favorite ice cream?"
"No, stupid, it's a job you can do from home."
"Job? Don't you know mine is a high-risk pregnancy? I can't do any job."
"Nothing will happen. We have to manage so much. You must take up a job."
"I feel really unwell these days. I can't do any job. Please try to understand."
"It happens to every woman. What's new? You need to shoulder your responsibilities."
The search for jobs started from the very next day. Everyday stress multiplied when he asked me about the job.
Things were normal until one day I felt something go down there. To my surprise, it was a spot of blood. I tapped Google to see if it was a normal sign of pregnancy.
"Yes, minor spotting is normal within the first trimester. However, talk to the doctor if heavy bleeding occurs."
I took a sign of relief as the blood flow hadn't been heavy earlier. I believed everything was fine.
The next day, the bleeding turned out to be heavier than my periods. I thought it was normal until I saw a tissue in my urine.
It had gone. A life yet unborn had died. I couldn't save my unborn child. I was blank out there.
All my happiness, hopes, and dreams vanished at once. The bleeding took away my dreams in 9 days.
"Our unborn baby is no more." I told him as I sat against the wall, turned into stone as tears had already stopped flowing.
"What? How?"
"Don't you remember getting physical daily in the first trimester? Don't you remember smoking in the same room where I was? Did you forget not getting me any medical help? Wasn't I under the stress of finding a job and saving our marriage?"
"I don't know how it happened. Can we sit and talk about it?
"No, we don't have anything to talk about. Everything is over now."
I told him for the last time as I was to confess something that would shock him and his family.
"See, I am not going to talk to any of you. You needed money. You have dowry, you have cash, and you have my jewelry. Stay with it."
That was the last day when we saw each other. I came back to my parents and started living like I had never been married.
I have embarked on an adventure to explore myself. Life is now an opportunity for me to love myself.
I can say I was shattered beautifully. Thank you, God, for your blessing, my parents, and life.
This was the moment I decided to write my book, which shall come into existence soon.
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