Crossroads

How did she get to this crossroads?’’Why me?’’,she moaned.She was never the sort to be a rule breaker but day one saw her doing the one thing that would never have her accepted in any office the way she barged in into such a prestigious institution .That one error of hers also had her go into what was a double whammy on the day of the party. She still recalled the day before…
It had been an exceptionally tiring one ,what with pushing files,running errands in the office, and even picking up groceries for her boss ,who really was a slave-driver incarnate.Her only free moments were those at the ‘watering hole’,as they called the coffee –bar,more of a Neolithic coffee vending machine…
Anyway,there she spent her few spare moments dreamily surveying her ‘’love interest’’ from a discreet distance -that tall, lanky, curly -haired copy-writer ,who ,to all outward purposes, was quite oblivious to her sadly negligible outwardly charms.She just wished life had blessed her with a brain and beauty to match so she could size up to the ‘’office Queen’’as they christened Ravs (well ,her name was actually Reena Vedanth but that apparently wasn’t fashionable for the lady…)All the young lads seemed to hover about her desiring to fulfil her every command .As for her, she was pure buddy material.’’Hi,Kats,how do you think this card looks?Can I give it to Sarita for Valentines’?’’And when the guys weren’t jollying up to her ,the girls were busy filling her up with tales of passion-of affairs imaginary ,or otherwise…Lady Luck really wasn’t with her.She sighed as she picked up the heavy bundle of files ,and staggered on, into the editor’s office.She thought back to her first day…
She had got this job by pure luck.She had literally barged in, one bright Monday morning, fresh out of grad school,quite sure of her purportedly ‘’superlative skills’’,and breezed past the pretty and petite young receptionist ,very expansively claiming that she knew the editor and had an appointment with him.Well,well,little did she knew what was in store for her.The editor happened to have a sense of humour, and roared with laughter when he heard of the juicy details of her entry into the very closely guarded gates of what resembled the Peary Gates themselves .Amused rather than incensed by at her impudence for making those few moments in office so worth ‘’savoring’’, the salty dog had decided she would get a job alright ,but she would need to prove her worth by working her way from the bottom upwards learning the ropes of each and every department.And so here she was here in the Xeroxing department ferrying files to and fro like some orderly…her expensive Mass Com. degree at Jamia Milia seemed all so… worthless.I mean,she could have gone about it the decent way like Ketana ,and obsequiously pleased some top dog to work her way into some big media firm.But no,she wanted to be different.And so she had to pay the price with a job which was in every way different from that of all her college ‘’bum-chums’’ ,as she preferred to call her classmates.
Initially, the excitement of working at head office of the Skylark (well,that was the name of the paper she worked for…or at least pushed paper for …)and the equal amount of exhilaration at receiving her first pay ,and that too in hand ,managed to mask the disappointment of her rather tedious work .With the passage of time ,however, it struck her that she seemed to be making no leeway with the numero uno in the workplace.He seemed to be made of rare metal ,with not a soft touch for a single employee.True,he had a business to run,not a ‘’dharamasala’’, but couldn’t he sense the ‘’fire in her belly’’,her desire to learn more,even be a ‘’reporter ,on the beat’’ ?And her colleagues?They were a callous lot ,belittling her hard work ,and ,instead ,piling on the work till she often could cry, ‘’Never more’’ ,well, if she could ,that is.
And,then ,came that fateful day.It was the February 14 of 2012 ,and a Saturday .From dawn to dusk, she had been busy with running errands,ferrying files,even editing copies surreptitiously ,for the often lazy under- writers , who had no qualms in using her knowledge to their absolute advantage , all unbeknownst to the err…’’bossa nova’’…’’couldn’t possibly let the old man hear of it ‘’. The evening saw her busy organise the office party –the Valentines‘ Special .
Of course,on paper, she had the help of all the others in decorating the office, but ,in reality, she found, as usual ,she was all by herself burdened with this responsibility.’’Yet another one’’, she sighed as she laboriously climbed the precariously mounted foot-stool to tie the red and white streamers all about ,no mean feat for such a petite lass such as her.Then there were the balloons to blow and tie …fortunately the stores-man and guard were there –both kindly old men ,who often pitched in to help her, knowing she had an often heavy burden to shoulder on her slender shoulders.
‘Thank God!That was done’, she thought as the last balloon was hoisted in place.Now the white bed- sheets were to be procured from the stores ,especially to cover the office tables, and the rose buds to be pinned on each…And the stores man and guard were already fidgeting ,looking at their respective watches .Finally, she sighed, and thanking them for their help, told them they could leave for their homes. Positively beaming ,the two sprang to ,like two gazelles off towards the watering hole ,belying their far more advanced years!
That left her all alone in the by now long growing shadow of the sun, streaming through the only office window and playing games with her overactive imagination causing her to glance nervously over her shoulders every now and then.
The last rays of the sun slinked past as the sun merged into the horizon leaving the world all around in absolute darkness.Outside ,the streetlamps were flicked on, as though in one fluid motion by some invisible,unseen hand.Inside,it was time to throw the switch on, and uncurling her by now frozen-in-place legs ,she stumbled towards the switchboard.Just this decoration, and then the sandwiches to prepare .It was already 6.30 p.m.The office goers would be here any moment ,and the old man himself was expected for a ‘guest appearance’ around sevenish.But…the rum punch was not yet ready…
Rising suddenly towards the water cooler to slake her thirst, she found her head spinning.What was wrong with her…?Must be just fatigue ,she reasoned ,as she downed the cool ,inviting water, rather gratefully.
Fortunately for her,she managed to wrap up all her work in time to even have enough time to tidy up to receive everyone .It was 7 p.m .The ‘Big Boss’ had not yet turned up.Probably just as well ,since everyone was truly going berserk…Quite a few were still trickling in ,in high spirits.Seeing the punch, some of the guys positively lunged .She felt her temper rise, but decided she had to get a hold on it.The party had not yet started, and she was not here to spoil a good thing.
By ten,the party was in full swing .But the fatigue of the day was beginning to get to her.Kats decided to retire to the office restroom, where there was a cot ,and just flaked out.When she came to, the pulsating music from the next room seemed to boom right through, and what with her head now really throbbing, it truly did damage to her system.She painfully extricated herself from the cot, freshened up, then made a great effort to join the party.After all, this was the ‘done thing’here,and she just couldn’t let her reputation take a beating; she was determined to show that she was made of stronger mettle than obvious ,to prove that she was as much at ease running errands diligently as she was at partying out with the merry band of Team Skylark,as they called themselves…
Tushar ,the office jester,saw her, just then, and with what seemed to her to be an overpowering amount of affection ,thrust a plastic can full of the punch into her reluctant hands.Finally,convinced that it really couldn’t do her any harm ,she gulped it down gratefully.
The next thing she remembered ,she was dancing like wild ,well,maybe gay abandon was more like it.Anyway ,she remembered the party went on the whole night on, what with the next day being a Sunday, and when everyone winded up, as always, it was all up to her to clear up.Somehow, she couldn’t quite remember what happened next ,but the next she knew she was in her cot hallucinating ,of all things, about ruling the roost,ordering the old man around!She couldn’t sleep the whole night ,what with being in a state of feverish excitement, and got up rather early next day , all charged up.The first thing she did was to write a letter to her copywriter, and slipped it by his desk as she shyly sashayed past the next morning.
Well,he did come by soon after ,but when he saw what she wrote ,he roared with laughter, and then with a spring bounded upstairs to show it to his friends.
As for her,she was devastated. She didn’t know why she did what she did.But now she felt wretched.Her head ,all in a tizzy ,she felt truly unhappy.Her job was going nowhere, and her love life sucked (well,she couldn’t even say she had one in the first place, but the only attempt at trying something ‘radical’ had clearly misfired)…In a daze ,feeling bitter about the whole world in general and with her fate in particular ,she walked on blindly by the main road ,all quite intent on throwing herself in front of a speeding vehicle, till she froze when a careening bus hurtled down at her top speed ,nearly mowing her down .It made her realise her stupidity…gross stupidity would probably be the understatement.
She turned away, then paused. Some distance away was the India Habitat Centre-a place she loved to delve into on ordinary days.On the spur of a moment, she decided to walk into the art gallery;it never failed to calm her frazzled nerves ,such a visit, and she sorely needed some balm now for her injured ego (well,it was her ego that had taken a beating more than anything…she had come to expect herself to be of superior mettle, and ,now ,when things were clearly not working her way, she was truly devastated …)
As she browsed through the work ,she thought she espied the great masters ,and happened to view a Picasso .Curious ,she stopped by .By now,completely spent,she held her head in her two frail hands, and ,with a tired sigh, heaved herself upon a nearby bench.She idly surveyed the painting.The scene seemed to mirror the confusion in her life.I mean ,where were the people going …it really wasn’t clear…for that matter,where was she going…
When she was much younger ,she had often daydreamt of that perfect future ,when she would do that wonderful job ,being either some esteemed writer or journo ,with scores coming her way to conduct interviews ,or to take autographs. She could still visualise all the accolades she imagined receiving. She was all so fired up back then, with proving herself to the world, and doing something different,being special ,unique .Where was all that idealism,that inspiration,motivation…?Where did she lose out?And why did she start faltering before she had even begun her journey…
Suddenly ,she seemed to hear a voice from nearby ,as though an unseen spirit magically materialised to answer her despairing query…’’You know sometimes the answer lies within…you only have to look hard ,look long ,and trust yourself…’’She was about to dismiss all of that as a hallucination of a hyper charged mind ,and shook her head as though to dispel the illusion ,when the voice continued, ‘’No,I am no chimera,my dear…I am right here by your side.’’
Startled ,she looked beside her to observe a grizzled old gentleman in an oversized overcoat, perhaps a bit too worn out, essaying him to be one who had seen better times but who was now in predicaments of sorts.The old venerable continued,’’It really is not for me to interfere ,young lass, I realise, but then as one ,who is by far experienced, I cannot but impart a few words of advice.You see, I couldn’t but help see despair writ large on your face ,and those words of yours only prompted me to stop in my tracks to offer a few words of advice…there is no such problem in life that is so large, or insurmountable ,that cannot be overcome…’’
A bit embarrassed now,Kats realised that she been speaking aloud what were to remain in her thoughts .The old man continued conversationally, ‘’I used to once be a teacher …a teacher of philosophy ,and, well philosophy makes you think ,and understand a lot of things about others which you normally wouldn’t bother doing.After I retired from practice, I spent my days in my walks of my beloved Lodhi Garden, observing faces ,watching gestures ,learning from what I saw in the faces of the people around …being a teacher does help you understand people all too well ,and a teacher of philosophy, well ,it becomes all the more interesting …so it was but natural to see you were undergoing some serious cogitation …let me help you if I can, but promise me one thing…you won’t take any rash step…something tells me from the look in your eyes …those rather wild ,darting looks that perhaps in your despair, you might try something foolish, something you might go ahead and do ,then regret later…’’
A bit more than just astounded at being found out, Kats settled down beside the old gentleman, and decided to just come clean.She couldn’t just keep it all to herself; she needed a confidante …
As she talked ,her heart seemed lighter, though the grief ,the hurt to her ego seemed all too contained within as yet.The old man seemed to sense that, and smiled.Then, he looked at the painting of Picasso and said ,’’ You know, we like to believe that great people-be it painters ,intellectuals,poets ,dramatists- were built different from us, or that they led a charmed life.The truth couldn’t be further from life.A lot of them led a tortured existence, tortured by the yearnings ,the stirrings of their soul ,their every creation being but a childbirth ,wrung out of them, and many actually falling by ,dying unwept,unknown…’’
He looked a trifle sad as he continued, ‘’Life really is a lot more precious than we can ever , and all of us do it an absolute injustice in throwing it away on trifles, or worse throwing life away itself .Your problem is finally about acceptance…acceptance of your limitations ,and about living content with them…as long as you strive to be what you aren’t ,being what you really aren’t ,being merely imitative of others ,well ,you are bound to be unhappy…if you were in a job that wasn’t offering you happiness ,well, in the first place, a job,or a situation, or even a person ,can never give you that happiness you are looking for…haven’t you heard what they say,’’Happiness is a journey, not a destination…’’So realise that and more as you embark upon what is truly a journey ,a beautiful journey of discovery,which indeed life is.And realise ,also ,that to understand yourself, you need to look inward rather gthan outwards…stop blaming others for what isn’t working in your life.Instead,start looking at what’s lacking in you.And ,in future ,if someone criticises you ,look upon it as a means,a way of growing ,rather than as a hindrance…Well,my job here, is, clearly done ,and I have truly said more than required .Finally, it is up to you to determine the course of your life;I can only show you the way…’’
And saying that, he smiled,took out his flimsy,old,black,tortoise –rimmed glasses kept together by cell-o-tape, wiped them slowly ,and rather methodically,then ,got up ,and without a backward glance, melted into the milling crowd outside ,leaving Kats to wonder whether she had actually dreamt up the whole incident…
As she walked out,the morning sun caressed her slight frame ,bestowing upon the wind chimes outside a surreal look, leaving her spellbound. Life suddenly took on a whole new meaning to her.The sun above,the trees all around,the squirrels nimbly leaping onto the branches of the tree nearby,the flowers by the cobbled sidewalk,the imposing structure of the Habitat centre that towered upon all the humans around reducing them to ‘’littleness beyond compare-all of that seemed to be imbibed by a whole new meaning.
Kats realised that when she had entered the Habitat Centre she had felt she was at a crossroads with no clear answers,nowhere to go,but now she knew she was at the start of a whole new journey. She knew she was out of the dark ,rumbling cloud of her inner space ,out of the tortured chaos of her mind ,and into the clarity of a blue sky ,filled with new imaginings of hope ,promises of a whole new world,of a glorious future ahead.She also knew that she would no longer be happy with just a job ;from here on ,she would live a life rich in depth,in fullness.She was determined to make every moment count.After all, God had gifted her a life like no others .Why then should she waste it on trifles?But yes,before she set forth upon this whole new journey ,she had one last thing to do…she had to go back to the offices of the Skylark ,to thank her Chief Editor for letting her work there. After all,her entrance was not exactly appreciable, as she had barged in with all the bluster she could muster! She also needed to mend the fences with her copy writer ,and say a decent goodbye to her colleagues. She may have come in with a ‘’bang’’ ;she wouldn’t certainly leave the same way ...She would leave with dignity, thanking all who actually helped her more than they could have ever imagined.After all if it weren’t for this one path breaking job,she wouldn’t have been driven to desperation, and ,from then on to that revelation ,originating from that meeting with that old venerable…It was time to make a move .