I clearly remember that last July, when I was a part of a renowned coaching institution, I overheard my junior batch discussing in their classrooms,
Student 1 : "That's really going to happen, I bet. "
Student 2 : "Oh, not at all, that's totally stupid, how can you even say that?"
Student 3 : "My father had a good talk with the management yesterday."
Everybody just kind of started joking about it.
But as a part time overthinker, I was startled. I could already imagine what would be its consequences.
The conversation was all about our esteemed coaching shutting down due to a great money scandal (in fact, A SALARY SCANDAL) and not even compensating us for our losses. At one point, even I wanted to just forget and think of it as a joke but I just couldn't.
Well, I ended up talking about it to my friends. "No doubt they are not even giving us the printed sheets anymore." They joked. I wonder if I am a sheer overthinker or people are too well composed.
Nevertheless, the rumour spread like a wildfire. For the next 2-3 days, I could already sense teachers being uneasy and everything not being as right as it should be. Until one day, some students persuaded me to question our teacher about it. "Sir, we've heard this and that, is it true." One could've read his face and told that YES, IT'S DAMN TRUE but he maintained his composure and let us know that no matter what, like a shield, he'll stand with us, help us, till we get selected into IITs and that we should leave the matter to him. I am someone who reads faces though, not listen words. I consulted my parents, they too took it as a joke and let it be.
What a real joke it was until that one dreadful day when one of our teachers didn't come to teach us. We all were like stranded animals in a forest, cherishing a momentary freedom, not knowing that this freedom will gobble us up. I was nearly totally sure that everything will collapse and it did. We just came home, seeking permission from teachers that had no reason to keep us; and when that day I came home, I never went to my coaching again. In fact, I couldn't. It really shut. 6 months left for JEE MAINS and there we were (no, apparently only I was) stuck in an abyss. For at least 3 weeks, studies were stagnant, only gossip and planning and decisions to move ahead occupied my mind. I didn't want to switch teachers, attachment issues is what I have.
Then one very stupid day, I decided to copy my good friend and join random personal coaching and I did. All you need to get into a coaching is money and that was spent. Money was spent, and ridiculous decisions were made.
Well, when I entered the other coaching, my probability of selection had clearly dropped to three fourth of the original. 500 students and me, a combination worse than whatever you think is the worst combination to ever exist. My confidence dug a little hole, and hid inside it. All of them had been studying there for at least 2 years, and there I was with zero wavelength, zero frequency, zero amplitude and blah blah blah. I was at zero, after two whole years, I was at 0 once again.
Now, I cannot even describe my journey there. I can simply let you know that those 3-4 months haunt me to this day, when I dream about them, I call those dreams a nightmare. Those months were as if you've been forced to race, where you're leg-less, brainless, and in fact confidence-less; and you know what was worse, I lost my only friend there, because of whom I joined the coaching, I lost her to competition or ego, whatever she might think of it. I spent 12 hours a day doing something that I couldn't, coping up with people, coping up with pressure, and coping up with life mostly. And when I finally lost in November, I fell in the very hole my confidence had dug for itself.
I avoided coaching for boards preparation and avoided boards preparation to prepare for JEE when I had approximately a month left. I was motivated by all those 1 MONTH COMEBACK, HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY JOURNEY FROM 0 TO TOPPER and what not. The world is full of delusions and I love remaining in a bubble.
Honestly, what was destined, happened, I clearly destroyed my first attempt with a horrible score of 87.114 percentile when at one place I was expecting myself to be a NEWSPAPER MATERIAL.
GOOD JOKE.
I cried about it, that's what I do to overcome situations and simultaneously prepared for boards examination. Crying really helps, to be honest. I don't know why and on what grounds, I was expecting a COMEBACK in my second attempt when I simultaneously had to prepare for boards.
And as expected (well, least expected) I drowned my second attempt (with an even lower score of 85 percentile) I drowned my boards examination (88%) and it felt as if life shut doors on my face. It felt even more horrible when some of my first coaching friends made it to their DREAM IITs.
At my second attempt result, I shed the least tears expected. Because all along this journey, I've realised that no coaching was really at fault, neither the first one nor the second one. It is me who didn't whole heartedly desire for it.
I found the best teachers I ever could at the end of my journey. I realised that I was too dependent on others to carry me out of this dark pit while sitting comfortably myself, at the end of this journey. I realised that I was not leg-less brainless and confidence-less in this race, instead, I was, not using my legs, engaging my brain in overthinking about results when they should actually overthink about how to achieve results and working for it and overconfident.
Well, it's actually never too late to realise things, I didn't let this realisation go in trash. I've decided to take a drop, redefine my journey and rebounce like a ball having an elastic collision (I'm really studying now, don't mind my words, mind my feeling bro). I'm really DESIRING it now.
You know what has brought all the change, I don't ask God to not give me problems. I simply ask him to give me problems and then help me out of them too.
You don't really realise your mistakes for nothing or when everything's good. You realise them for a better comeback, when life's loaded with problems.
I made new friends, lost a few and tried sharing my least experience with you all. I really hope that the next time when I do write a story, I end it with the information regarding my COMEBACK. I really hope that when I make it to my dream IIT, I look back and cherish all these ridiculous days and decisions that gave me strength and all the sweet mentored that I could ever ask for.
I don't worry about the consequences anymore, I worry about what my inputs. I'm taking care of my present and letting God take care of the future.
The consequences are the best when the decisions are the toughest and my toughest decision was to take a drop and let myself try again after so many lessons that I have learnt and to share.
Trying to make this selection story, a Ranker's story.
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