UNCONSOLABLE CRY

It was 6 AM. My alarm just started to ring with a vibration and I stopped before it could make my heart pound.

Birds chirping outside my window not knowing the situation prevailing in the world. “Yes, the whole world is in danger” trembled my mind voice.

Wherever you turn, whoever you talk to, that was the only news which the universe knew about and that increased the stress of even the air in that surrounding.

I got out of my bed with multiple thoughts, but no use of fearing, I had to do it. I had to do it because my management asked me to, I had to do it because of the responsibility I had, I had to do it because of my profession.

Fine, I’ll come to the point!

When the whole world was inside the home fearing the attack of fast spreading deadly virus, I had to treat those patients affected by the same virus. When the world had the least clue about the symptoms, management and treatment, doctors had no other way but to treat everyone to the best of their knowledge. Also with the fear of death that prevailed, I dressed up and had my breakfast.

I am to leave my family to perform doctor’s duty. My mom asked “When will you be back?” I had no answer then. Also, I can return home only if I tested negative after a period of duty and isolation. Tears ran down my cheeks with the fear of the word ‘positive’. It was as if I will be separated from them once and for all. Numerous thoughts crossing my mind that I was not able to bid bye. What if I become positive for infection? What if my family members acquire infection? How do I look after my parents, husband and family and my children?

My parents delivered few strong words but I could see the panic in their eyes. My children were looking puzzled as they could not understand the reason of me packing a huge travel bag for a hospital duty. My husband with all his love took my hands and gestured “It will all be fine”.

Oh yeah…

I had to be on time to relieve the doctors on duty. I drove to my hospital, all my way carrying a heavy heart and trying to prepare myself for my very different duty to treat patients with the deadly pandemic Corona virus disease!

Finally, I reached my hospital covering my face with a heavy mask,. With the difficulty to breath, I stepped the entrance. There was that donning room, where I had to wear my personal protective equipment and cover myself completely! I heard a voice saying “Hi”. I turned around to locate the voice. It came from inside another robot dress. As I was staring without knowing who that voice was, she introduced herself. My God! She is my friend Dr.Roopa.

“How is this going to be Roopa?” my voice sounded with fear.

“Even I have the same question in my mind Meha” Roopa sighed.

(Its me Dr.Meha. Sorry as I couldn’t find time to introduce myself till now)

Err.. I feel as if the world is swirling around me all of a sudden. I feel I would collapse anytime. Somebody has to hold me right now. I could not shout for help. What do I do?? Just then I found a chair and sat down. I started talking to myself inside the mask. Wearing a robot dress was as if I was inside a locked room. I started sweating very heavily and I drowned completely. That has caused the dizziness. Uff.. I prepared my mind to get ready for that. I started feeling thirsty then. You think I can drink water? Nope!

My friend came by my side. “Roopa, I don’t know how I am going to talk to patients, treat them at a distance. How will patients feel reassured if they can’t even see a doctor’s face? It’s really sad” I said as I walked to the outpatient desk. It was totally new for us. OP desk was loaded with patient’s case sheets, patients were flooding outside the room.

Some were in ambulance supported with an oxygen cylinder which is about to be empty, some were standing with fever, difficulty to breath. I could see children crying searching their parents. Bunches of families waiting to see a doctor, waiting to find a bed for admission, waiting for an oxygen support, waiting to get medicines. It was so pathetic to see all my patients waiting with fear of death in their eyes with the same COVID virus.

The doctor’s team Head called us for a meeting to discuss about the treatment protocol. Just one thing he said “Wear all your protective measures and forget the fear of acquiring infection and perform your duty.”

I told myself there is no use of thinking about getting infected and went upstairs for ward rounds. I have never seen this kind of an admission in wards. There is no bed left for any new patient. But I had to make room for all after discharging few patients if they come under the discharge criteria. I knew its going to be difficult because I have to examine numerous patients in a row which would take almost noon to complete.

That evening, I sat under a tree. You know how my mind was? Clouded with thoughts of sufferings of patients and the unanswerable questions they asked me, worry of their families, doubts about their child’s health and extreme stress of all my patients crushed my mind with a imaginary sword. I could not stop thinking about my life and my family. With all these, I could not control, I cried unnconsolably. Nobody knew !

This is how my first day went. It did not stop with this. I had to do continuous duties with morning and night shifts without a break till the end of the pandemic! The mental stress can’t be explained in words.

After all of this, I still feel proud of myself being a treating doctor!