Walking Away

When I look back in time,

I feel everything was fine.

Walking down the line,

I see love restrained.

The last day in rain,

I heard your ear rings chime,

In the blurred eyes of mine

I saw tear on your cheek shine

I saw my love, Walking away!

It was a windy afternoon in July 2019, Alex was sitting outside his university auditorium with his back resting against its exterior wall, alone. He could hear the low frequencies of the Graduation Day Celebrations from the huge PA systems rumble through the soundproof doors, it was the last day of University for him and his 59 other classmates. As each sound wave hit him, he was slipping deep into a chain of thoughts that took him back through the last 4 years of his university life and Anveshana was a huge part of it. She is a bitter memory that would scar his heart forever. She is a spark that started the fire of Alex’s hatred for the system and society. She is the love of his life and he was hers. Alex and Anveshana first met in April of 2015 when they were just 17. As he was reminiscing that moment, a smile appeared on his face cutting through the tears.

First day of University and it was a Mechanical Workshop session. Alex always had an interest in mending metal, so he was excited and ready to batter everything he was given. But what skipped a beat of his heart was not the clash of hammer and the anvil.

“Welcome to the first day of the Mechanical Workshop everyone” said the professor with a loud voice that filled the entire workshop with almost 60 students.

“Please read the lab manuals that I put out on the table” He continued with the same intensity in his voice.

“I divided you all into batches of 4, so we will have 15 groups in total arranged in ascending order of the letters of your first name.”

Alex was curious to know who his batch mates were and started to look around as his professor read the names aloud.

“The first group is” said the professor as Alex glared around with excitement, “Abinav, Adithi, Anveshana and Alexander.”

Alex was lost in chaos of first love as he saw Anveshana step out of the commotion as her name was called. He knew that he fell for her instantaneously at that moment and he was sure that was not hormones acting up. This felt real, like a fire that pushes heat across all directions, his senses started pushing his thoughts through all emotions of an unknown feeling. He chose to name this Love.

“Alex! Are you alright?” asked Adithi as she saw him while entering the auditorium. She for sure knows that he is not, but there is nothing that she could do to ease the pain.

Alex quickly wiped tears of his eyes and tried his best to force a smile and nodded his head as to say yes. Words won’t come easy to him at this time. Adithi stared at him with a look of pity and said, “Do you want me to talk with Anveshana?”

“Talk to her about what?” He said, trying to act clueless and failing miserably.

“You’re here crying and she’s in the cafeteria doing the same thing! You guys act as if nothing happened and yet suffer in silence, shouldn’t you guys at least express it to each other?” Adithi gushed out in a single breath flaming her anger and frustration out.

“Adithi, what’s wrong with you?” Alex said, raising his voice loud enough to cut through the rumble of the party and the dashing wind.

“I am not crying and I don’t know what exactly you are trying to insist here. She is………….!”

“Lie to me, lie to the entire class but can’t lie to your soul fuckin’ idiot. I’m sorry for trying to be a good friend and go to hell” Adithi cut him short and dashed into auditorium pushing through the heavy wooden doors in a single jab

Alex was alone again. Adithi’s words rang in his head and he started sweating in the cold wind.

‘YOU CAN’T LIE TO YOUR SOUL!’ was the part that knocked him blue. His thoughts took him back to the time when he was 17.

It was May, 2019 and Alex was head over heels in love with Anveshana. It was very obvious to everyone around him and it did not take a long time for Anveshana to reciprocate the feeling. But, she was from an orthodox Hindu family that had a great political influence and Alex knew, deep inside that this ship of relationship they were building was going to sink one day. He was a Protestant Christian. They never expressed their feelings to each other. Both of them knew that they loved each other but the bonds of family pride and shame in society was too strong for them to fight for their love.

Alex stood up in a gust, wiped his tears and started walking to the cafeteria like a wild warrior possessed with the ghost of love. He knew this had to be done, though it would not lead him into the situations he would desire. The weight was too much for his heart to carry, even for a second more. His heart started to break from fatigue.As he kept walking towards the cafeteria across the cricket ground the sky thundered and started to rain, as it was the day of the great flood. On the other side of the ground he could see Anveshana walking towards him, he could feel her eyes searching for something that she was longing for. For a second, he thought he was dreaming. He at least hoped this was a dream and he would wake up soon from the nightmare only to realize that these thoughts are just his mind finding ways to ease the pain for him. They both walked towards each other and with each step forward, their hearts felt heavy and the time felt slow. A million collisions of thoughts were taking place each second in their minds. They increased their pace for each step they took. The rain sheeted their tears but they knew both of them were crying, deep in pain! Pain of losing love, a love that never had a chance to live but a love that would be alive, for as long as they live. They rushed and fell into each other's arms. Their eyes locked as their hearts sank in pain. They wanted to express a thousand things to each other but the pain was too overwhelming for them even to say a word.

Alex mustered all the strength he had and began to speak, “Anveshana, I lo……………….!’

She didn’t let him complete it, she sealed his lips with hers. As they kissed, the rain was washing away their strength. Their legs felt weak and the world around them collapsed to ruins. The unexpressed feelings and prisoned emotions exploded into a thousand particles, so minute that nothing remained but the dust and ashes which was being washed away by the pouring rain.

As their lips parted, Alex recollected all the ashes and spoke again, “I………….!”

“Do not say it Alex!” Anveshana cut him short again “My heart cannot handle it!” She said and pushed herself away from his arms that coiled her tight as to protect her from the great storm that was about to come. They remained silent, parted, yet again1

“This will never work and we need to let go” Anveshana broke the silence and said “Don’t look back!”

With these words she turned back and walked away without ever looking at Alex again

3 years later, she married and migrated to Sydney. She lives with her husband in a mansion, and has everything she needs. But she still thinks of Alex everytime her husband kisses her on the lips. Yet she lives this life drinking the tears and sinking in sorrows.

Alex went on a road trip in December of 2019. He drove his Himalayan through the curves of Rohtang pass with tears blurring his vision. He slipped at a turn and fell into oblivion of those deep valleys never to be seen by the world again. His mother keeps waiting at the window for him hoping to see her son return one day.

3 years later, He is nothing more but a memory that lives on in the heart of his mother, a pain that haunts Anveshana forever and a mere thought that lasts only for a few moments when his friends gather!

Alex died physically in December but emotionally he was dead the moment he saw his love walking away!