I Want to Die...I Want to Live

The winds rushed past my ears as I soaked in the picturesque view from the rooftop of my apartment complex. I swayed like a buoy at the precipice of the building or metaphorically, my life, as it was all about to come crashing down.

I wanted it to be the last thing I see in this world. I looked at my phone screen and began writing.

This is a suicide note. Or is it an enlightening session with life before its nemesis catches up with me? I prefer the latter. If you, the reader, beg to differ, then I have two words for you – bless you. Ha! It's a rip-off from Sister Act, so you know what Whoopi Goldberg meant and I concur with her euphemism. Better still, why should I oblige you with credence to your opinions because I will be dead. My opinion didn't matter when I was alive and am sure it’s not going to matter after my death. I will be among the many suicides, a daily happening. Do you see, Life?

“I do.”

I looked up. No one was around.

Must have been a hallucination.

“It certainly was not.”

“Who said that?”

“Who did you pose the question to?”

“Life?”

“And so here I am with the answers.”

“You gotta be kidding me!”

“If you say so.”

“Oh, suddenly I am the boss?”

“When were you not?”

“Never felt like I was one.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Yours!”

“Why?”

“Because you claim to be ‘Life’ and you jumped me through hoops that I never wanted, and through my entire life the decisions were made by my parents and circumstances. I didn’t see you then and hell, I don’t see you now!”

“Let’s begin with the now and retrace the past, shall we? How do you want me to look?”

“I don’t know. It’s up to you.”

“Why did you say that?”

“What do you mean ‘why’? You are life, you can choose which form to take!”

“Whose life am I? Yours? A friend’s? Your parents’? Or am I the life of that tree?”

I looked at the tree behind me.

“How did you know I was pointing to the one behind you and not the one to the left or right?”

“I… I just knew. I mean, I felt it.”

“What you felt, or rather experienced, is the force of life.”

“Why now, and not before?”

“The adrenaline rush! You were in a state of rage. All your entire being craved for was to see me, was it not? Irrespective of the intent, you were focused on me, hence the experience.”

“So rage is good?”

“If you are in control, yes.”

“I was in control back there?”

“Yes. You were controlling it till I manifested. Countless are those who do it, yet seldom do they realise, they pass the buck on circumstances. Instincts are wrapped up in emotions. Circumstances help them remove that and behold the grace. Just like you did.”

I remained silent.

“I am waiting for your answer.”

“Huh?”

“Whose form should I take?”

“I…”

“We’ll return to that later. When did your life begin?”

“What a ludicrous question. My life began when I was born.”

“When was that?”

“January 4, 1986.”

“What were you before then? In fact, where were you then?”

“Inside my mum.”

“Before then?”

“Split among my parents, I guess.”

“You have an older sister.”

“Yes.”

“So who decided that she should be the first and you the second?”

“God, nature… I don’t know.”

“Moments ago you felt that tree. Were the forces different or the same as yours?”

I thought for a moment and said, “It was the same.”

“So will the forces be different for your sister and you?”

“No.”

“Then how can God and nature be different from you?”

Silence ensued.

“So it was me who decided that she should be the first and I the second?”

“What do you think?”

“If you apply the logic, yes.”

Silence again.

“If everything and everyone are the same, then why do we perceive it differently?” I asked.

“The answer is simple. We are concentrating on the differences. The yardstick of race, religion, caste, sex… the list goes on. Expand the mind and all you perceive is the force of life which is beyond death.”

“Death is not the end?”

“On the contrary, it is the beginning. You can call it a time-out. Yet the journey continues.”

“To what destination?”

“Until you are fully evolved.”

“Evolved to what? A saint?”

“Evolved to be the force. Beyond the identity of the force.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You will. Everyone will,”

“When?”

“You will know when you know. Evolution is inevitable. You’re zoomed in and all you see are pixels. Zoom out and the picture starts to appear…

..You have a call.”

Suddenly I woke up.

I was in my room.

How?

I was about to jump from the rooftop.

My phone kept ringing.

I looked at the screen

It said, Life calling...