Guilt

GUILT

“It’s always the memory that loops within and the guilt that destabilizes the fact and truth. Not sure whether it’s me or my ghost that’s speaking but it’s straight from my heart. The blood that I had on my hands can never be washed away. The sound of silence for a minute and before I could gain my consciousness everything had just flown away. The pain of agony, the feeling of helplessness, that last moment I saw, the last face of her’s that still haunts me, the shed of blood, that breathless body, the eyes where I had only felt love, now lays before me gazing into my soul. I reached out for her hand but I couldn’t. In seconds I turned unconscious.”

April 30 2019.

Think it must be around half past 9, I can feel the cold breeze blowing its alarm on my face. With the windows being open, the curtains started to wave over me like a person trying to wake me up. I still couldn’t open my eyes from being heavily drunk yesterday; and there was this throbbing headache, that’s when I heard her voice.

“Suriya…” she tried waking me up.

“Haven’t I told you not to drink so much, it’s our anniversary and can’t you be sober for just one day. If you want to be drunk and get wasted, why did you come to this same place, which we visited last year? It’s been a year, get over it.”

It’s this drink that took away everything I had, every time I hold it I can see my hand covered with blood. I can feel the blood dripping over all my body. Sometimes it’s the enemy who provides the comfort. The fine line between you and me is this drink. Some random thoughts started filling my mind.

“Suriya, I am speaking to you”, she call my name again.

I had nothing to tell her, a moment of silence struck between us. I managed to get up from bed and started walking slowly towards the bathroom. As soon as I reached, I started vomiting. After a while, I opened the shower and sat there. In this cold weather of Ooty, the shower fell over me, pricking me like needles made of ice.

When I came out of the bathroom she was already ready. She was wearing the red saree that I bought as a gift for our anniversary. I wore blue jean and black shirt.

“Even today do you want to wear black?”, she kissed me.

“Suriya, first get rid of this beard. It’s not looking good on you”, she smiled.

I stood there without uttering a word.

“Can’t you say even a single word, it’s the past that is haunting you Suriya. What happened is happened, you can’t change that. You should reconsider your life. You can’t be like this forever. It’s not the end, Shruthika is happy with me. It’s time for you to be happy.”

I starred at her eyes as if I have forgotten how it looked like the last time I saw it. We came out of the room. I took the room key from my pocket, checked if I had missed anything and then locked it. We started walking. She was behind me by 10-15 steps. My mind was trying to comprehend what it had lost. I felt my vision to becoming cloudy from the judgment of guilt, without me releasing I was standing at the middle of the road.

Junction Point (April 30 12:54 PM)

Before I can come into sense, in a fraction of second a red Baleno car appeared before me. Seeing me standing in the middle of the road, the car’s driver completely lost the control and the car hit the divider of the road and started rolling past me. The rolling of the car stopped and the car was lying upside down at nearly 10 meters from where I stood. The car’s number plate was lying before me. I was trying to take a look of that number plate, but I couldn’t concentrate. I was completely blanked out; it took me few minutes to understand what was going around me. I took the number plate in my hand, its “TN 09 CJ 2315”. My hand started shivering, I was trembling in fear. Tears started rolling out of my eyes, my words started to stutter.

I couldn’t move an inch. I turned to look at her, but she was not there. I saw through the broken window of the car, she was lying there, motionless, covered with blood.

“Yaazh……………” I screamed on top of my lungs.

April 30 2018.

Think it must be around half past 9, I can feel the cold breeze blowing its alarm on my face. With the windows being open, the curtains started to wave over me like a person trying to wake me up. I still couldn’t open my eyes. I was so tired because of the previous night’s celebration. I searched for her by placing my hand all over the bed but she was not there. I slowly got up from the bed and saw her standing in front of the mirror. She had just taken a head bath, drippings from her hair has drenched her blouse. She was wearing the red saree that I gifted to her for our anniversary. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was glowing. She looked gorgeous. I tried to pull her by the bed to plant a kiss on her fore head.

“You drunken idiot, first go brush and get ready”, she pushed me away.

“In this cold Ooty climate, can’t you give me a single kiss”, I walked into the bathroom. I got refreshed, came running out of the bathroom, pulled her and gave her a kiss.

“Poruki (Tamil word for idiot), You still smell like Whiskey, put some spray”, she said.

I wore blue jean and black shirt.

“Even today do you want to wear black?”, she kissed me.

“Suriya, I feel like seeing my mom, can we go meet her?!!”

“Darling, it’s your parents who rejected, if you want to go, you can but I won’t come.”

I was combing my hair standing in front of the mirror.

“Suriya, look at my face.”

“Tell me what is it?”

“I asked you to look at my face.”

I turned and looked at her face, it seemed like she is holding some secret, kind of like looking at a puzzle.

“I am pregnant!”

I started laughing as she used to make this up whenever she wants me to do something that I am not interested in.

“Ok, Ok we can go to your mom’s place, for that you need not make up some stories”

“I am not making this up, last week I told you that I went to the doctor for PCOD right, that’s when the doctor confirmed. As usual I missed my periods for months together but I never suspected I would be pregnant. When the doctor told me this news, I was so happy that I forgot to get the scan report from the hospital. ”

She handed over the test strip to me. It showed two red lines!.

“I am really pregnant, Suriya”

I was jumping all over the place. I hugged her so tightly in such a way that there was no gap even for air to stay between us. I kissed her all over.

“Suriya, shall we go to your mother-in law’s place?”, she asked again.

This time I couldn’t say no, I just wanted to make her happy, so I agreed.

“Thanks da, first we can go to temple before going there”.

I waved my head as we walked out of the room. I took the room key from my pocket, checked if I had missed anything and then locked it.

“Suriya, I will go wait near the car, you handover the keys at the reception and come.”

As I walked out of the hotel, I saw her waiting near the car. It’s our brand new red Baleno with registration number TN 09 CJ 2315. The number doesn’t seem fancy but it holds the hidden meaning that only I know, I specifically asked for that number. I bought that as an anniversary gift for her.

We were discussing the names for the baby. She wanted a boy, I always wanted a girl. We drove for few blocks as we spoke.

“Suriya, I Love you da”

I turned to look at her eyes, for a moment I lost my concentration on the road.

Junction Point (April 30 12:54 PM)

When I turned to look at the road, I saw myself standing in the middle of the road, even before I could process that moment, everything went out of control. The car hit the divider, it rolled over for few meters and when it stopped, we were upside down.

Everything seemed red; her face was completely covered with blood. She seemed motionless. The sound of silence for a minute and before I could gain my conscious everything had just flown away. The pain of agony, the feeling of helplessness, that last moment I saw, the last face of her’s that still haunts me, the shed of blood, that breathless body, the eyes where I had only felt love, now lays before me gazing into my soul. I reached out for her hand but I couldn’t.

“Yaazh……………”, I screamed on top of my lungs.