JUNE 10th - JULY 10th
I feel very disconnected from everything. It feels like everything is a mess. I am very confused. It started years ago, this feeling of being indecisive.
It was a windy day with leaves falling from the trees, making patterns in thin air. I sat on the steps outside my front door, rubbing my palms together for it had gotten chilly. I could hear the birds chirping in unison and I hummed along. I grew up in Guwahati. I still wish I could spend my years there than in any other city. It had been long since I had last taken time out for myself to relax my mind enough to be able to rejuvenate in a way. Life just gets harder with time and we hardly pause and take time to understand it. I was just about to set my foot on the cemented pavement in front when I heard a faint ring. It felt like it was coming from a distance but when I listened to it closely, I could relate it to the vibration from the pocket of my oversized pants. I reached clumsily for my cell phone but the ringing had stopped by then.
Samarth – missed call (1)
“I quit my job” His voice sounded low but his tone was of a man heaving a sigh of relief. I was confused, finding out that your cousin had quit as an electrical engineer in an IT firm isn’t easy. I always thought his life was sorted. When we were kids, it was all he talked about. I was more of a confused and delusional person as a child and even now. I wanted to paint and sing and he would laugh at me for thinking I could make a career out of it. He too would play the guitar for me when I sang but his guitar never found a place in his heart as his degree did. Well, I wouldn’t say his degree found a place in his heart but his parents did seem relieved and happier on the day of his graduation. Maybe back then I was under the impression that in today’s world it’s easy to be who we are. Today I am a different person altogether. I have different goals, more practical goals if I might add.
So I left for his place immediately, thinking he would definitely require a shoulder to cry upon. Or if not, he could teach me a thing or two about life. He has always been there for me. Every step of the way ever since our other cousin passed away, we have found each other to fill the gap in our hearts. Doesn’t change what happened but definitely makes a difference to both of us.
“I don’t remember you being so impulsive with your decisions”, I teased as soon as I reached. He raised his eyebrows at me, his lips forming a plain line. I made myself comfortable on the couch, sitting next to the cup of coffee he had made for me. The stain of the cup was so prominent on the table that I gasped and grabbed a coaster for myself. I knew where everything was stored in that house. I practically grew up there though my aunt and uncle moved to Bangalore now and Samarth lives alone here in Guwahati. Even as a child he was always content in himself. Probably his best days were of him home alone, watching an episode of an American sitcom. I would sometimes just turn up out of nowhere, especially when I felt lonely. We were opposites that way. I couldn’t be by myself and it’s all he ever wanted, to be alone.
“So yeah, I quit it. I thought you would have a lot to say about it.” I really didn’t but I did have questions for him. I didn’t understand how a boy so focused and driven would quit what he worked towards all his life. So I asked, “I don’t get it. Why?”
“Why not? All my life I thought this is what I wanted when all I wanted was to learn. I made fun of you when you wanted to paint. I said it was impractical and stupid of you to think you could do it. But today I feel suffocated on thinking how I am running after something and my life really has no meaning to it. Like all I am doing is trying to achieve something and when I do, I move on to the next thing in line. There’s no end.....” He took a moment to breathe in, his fists clenching upon his chair. I didn’t wait for him to complete it. I felt like I understood him. “You feel like you are stuck; like you are trapped in a loop that all of humanity is stuck in. The clichéd rat race we all refer to. Life sure is a task in itself.”
“You really have grown up, haven’t you? You are somewhat right though. I am a little disappointed in how my life is turning out to be. I wanted to be happy and content with struggling constantly but then now I see, there’s no end to it.” Just as I got ready to reply to him, my phone rang. It was my mother. I jumped up from the couch realizing it was half past 3 in the afternoon and mama required my help to bake a cake for a friend. I didn’t receive her call, instead gulped my coffee down and ran to the front door. “I am really sorry but I gotta run. Mama needs help with something and I am late. Let’s talk more about this tomorrow. I just hope you are gonna be fine.” He nodded as the light faded from his eyes. I knew I shouldn’t have left him like that but I was to leave for college for the first time soon and I didn’t want my parents to think I wasn’t spending enough time with them.
Days passed by, and I got caught up with packing and preparing to leave. I forgot to check up on him. Over the years, we had grown distant and maybe that is why I forgot to sit with him again to finish that conversation we had. Today I feel it was selfish of me. I left for college. One day as I hit the sack after my daily hours of classes, tired and exhausted, I got a message.
Samarth: I’m gonna reach Delhi tomorrow afternoon. Meet me.
I was confused because Samarth didn’t like traveling, not even to meet aunty and uncle. I guessed it to be an interview he was coming to Delhi for.
Me: You’re gonna be here? That’s amazing. Haven’t seen you in ages. Do give me a call when you land. I’ll come to pick you up.
I almost couldn’t recognize him without his spectacles. He looked different and fresh. We headed to a restaurant close to my college. I didn’t even realize how happy I was to see someone from back home.
“Oh my god, so tell me! You’re here for an interview?” He brushed his hair back and shook his head, “No.” I waited in anticipation for him to explain his trip. It almost felt like he was teasing me and making me even more curious. “Tell me already!”
“After I quit my job, I didn’t understand what I was really doing. You remember our conversation right? I wanted to decide something. I wanted to decide if I want to be a slave to life or live it instead. So I took a break from it all. I am traveling for a while now!” He shifted in his chair a little, his fingers running about the menu like players on a football field. I was so excited to hear he was traveling. I was very young when I understood the key to living a happy life. I learned that if I can balance between work and play, then am I really part of the race? Partly no, because I would then be doing something I love along with all the other hardships I have to face. I would take out time to sit and paint strokes with my brush and colors or hum a new tone.
Samarth was to travel to Mussoorie that very night. We spent a few hours around Delhi, talking about what he planned on doing and how my college was going. That night I returned with a sense of hope, I could smell the freshness in the air. Living around people who had forgotten to greet each other and then taking a walk down the park, Samarth was gold among coal. I just hoped he would get through it positively. Thereafter, we got back to how we were as kids, talking often. Staying away from home really made me realize some things, like how I needed a brother to share things with.
A few months passed by. Samarth was back from traveling but was still taking time off. We would call each other twice a month or so. I sometimes got so busy with college work, I would forget to eat let alone stay in touch with family. So much for never wanting to be a part of this despicable race.
One fine morning, I got a message from Rishi.
Rishi: There’s an invite that I have mailed to you. I’ll be in Delhi soon to play as part of a band. Let me know if you have received it. Also, I am happy now (:
Before I could completely read the message, I found myself jumping up and down, a smile on my face, the widest I could ever smile. That night is a memory I cherish forever for that night I learned that I have to be strong enough to not follow the path used. Like Robert Frost said –
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Samarth shined light upon some things I had pushed to the back of my mind. And that made all the difference to me.
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Daspratik1969
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