Vice

There are times when I want to be the bad person this world so badly needs.

We stood drenched in paint-water splashed by our cunning landlady. If my siblings were not in such proximity I wouldn't wait a second to think about those damned consequences. But with 14 year old Ben, twins barely six and being of age 16, prone to all kinds of malicious threats, where would we go? Instead I told Ben not to think of bad behaviours. They already wanted to disclose Ben a juvenile detention worthy, for reasons appropriate for their behavior to us.

"Big Bum Cattle cow" Rune escaped my grip and flipped a bird. My heart clenched around my food pipe. If I'd be better in school I would've known how it was scientifically possible.

"Stop it" I kneeled pulling Rune behind.

"I-I am so sorry" I said.

"Don't be sorry.. Lia" Ben wasn't best in terms of confrontation, his torn lip, bandages on his knuckles showed a picture of an adolescent hardly able to bottle up such resentments. For I am their mom&dad if I crumbled, their pieces wouldn't be whole again.

Mrs daffodil called us circus, wrapped her falling robe and smashed the door behind her.

We passed her garden of vegetables, nothing to be consumed, a hobby people like them enjoyed to mock people like us on hungry nights.

Twins threw fits to stay outside. Outside was better than dingy un-live-able container called basement. A place to live out of thrills, included nothing but bugs, occasional leakages and rats.

I sneaked some bananas from school-lunch, kids always leave something behind. "Me neither" was a response to "Not hungry” by Ben giving his half to little almost asleep Reni. If I were to raise my own children, would they be like Ben? selfless. Again, I didn't like to be hopeful. I didn't have it in my vocabulary.

"Only if you eat... I'll tell you about my day" Ben said.

"No way... you stole this?" I whispered.

"Before you get angry... we deserve it. Last time I mowed their lawn...scammed me for 50 freakin' cents so this is from my earnings... okay?" eyes, dimmed and tired. Without the haircut I managed to give him, he's charming.

"And paint-water?" he smiled. I take a bite. Sweetness churned out of tomatoes and this world, nothing sweet or good, left.

"How was practice?" Feared to tell him I wasn't allowed, they feared diseases from the colour of my skin to the way we lived. No, I couldn't. His heart would break if he knew. World wasn't getting any better.

I nodded.

"Stop don't....." he cringed. I have sung to them since we were abandoned. I was only 12, Ben barely 10, Rune and Reni joined us few years later. We used to live above, but from losing everything our parents could only beg Mrs Daffodil to let us stay in basement. I've heard rumors. One which thrilled us. We heard they were dead, clogged arteries, deep in drugs and debts.

"One more step...one more day... one less lonely kid... so let's keep running... let's keep moving...till the end." After my song, Ben fell asleep. A child lost....forgotten. A child just like me.

Morning was often a blur to being set free from tethers, an escape from dark, hunger and reality. After dressing up, feeding cornmeal to twins and Ben, they left earlier and I waited.

"Dahlia...." her voice could spark motivations, to do better than last.

"Coming" in excitement.

"What's taking you long? broke a leg? Am I going to have to win? bastard is going to worship me" Lilia laughed.

"Oh you wish" I roll my eyes and pull her in one tight hug. Lilia was beautiful, total opposite of what I looked like, if I'd scars hers had blush, if my hair curly and short, hers straight and blonde.

"Time to elope" Lilia sighs leaning on my shoulder.

"We will win" I said "you must win" she agreed.

Winning state levels at swimming would mean a ticket to nationals....freedom.

I've been a swimming-champion if not in life. But...I'd let Lilia win from that one harrowing day onwards. Few years back, covered in bruises neck-deep, swollen lip, smile decorating to hide it all under a rug. Had I known she'd gotten stitches for being a second to an abandoned girl like me. Her uncles abuse was so severe that she couldn't walk in a straight line. "Don't call..police" she'd told me between her sobs. How could I not? She was my best friend. Lilia made sure we never went hungry when no one would care. From blankets to leftovers. But, I preferred losing instead, so she didn't have to lose a roof over her head.

"I promise...Soon, We will live like humans" I tell her everyday. It's my ultimate goal.

.........................................................................................................................

The competition day. Cheering got louder. "You okay?" with goggles, blue swimsuit, Lilia stood to my left.

"It doesn't matter who wins, we are leaving anyways" I held her hand.

"No, they must know you are.. real winner... its their time to feel embarrassed for making you feel like shit, let their inferior complex show. Cripple them" she winked.

"We leave around 11.... you're ready?"

"Never been more ready"

"In case he catches you, don't mind if we beat him up right?" She puts a cap on me, there was sadness that infuriated me and a smile that torched me to win it for us.

"We will live like humans" foreheads touching.

On our marks. "You must win" is all she said before we dived in together.

Couple of strokes later I found her asides me. I couldn't risk it so I slowed down a little. I was positive she would win. With few last strokes, long gasps, my head banged on edges. Gongs went off, they picked me up, matter of seconds camera lights flashed. A heavy trophy, medal went around my neck with a big ass check flown in.

I passed out.

"Lia wake up..."

"Lia...you freaking won" my siblings stood close to each other, their smiles mended everything.

"Taxi-called, clothes-packed, money-transferred in card, we are all set to go" the little ones eating ice-cream agreed. Can we afford ice-cream now? I couldn't be smugger.

"Where is Lilia?" where is her luggage?

"She stopped...middle of the race... I saw her uncle.... taking her, I almost went after them but as you won, I---"

"Where is the taxi?"

We stopped the taxi. Ben and twins walked behind me as I charged steadily. A Deja Vu strikes when I see cars. My stomach immediately churned. I knew whose car it was.

'Mayor' Dr. Pollo, influential to province, owned facilities that help specially-abled. He wore gown of charity. A people pleasing sociopath. Failed to understand what such a character would want to do with Lilia's drunkard uncle. I'd seen him once. Chief guest, presenting Lilia and me awards for school-levels. Lilia had told me then "his eyes were everywhere, I wanted to stab his eyes so I never have to feel so vulnerable again" exact words spoken.

I paralysed next to her window, curtains hiding what made her scream so loud, so often. Fists clenched, drowning in guilt for not holding onto her a few hours ago. Every moment I didn't go to police I regretted, and 16 something years of my life.

Ben's eyes had gotten red and his skin blue. "Go, quietly, keep- doors open... And if I-I don't come back in five minutes... leave" Ben looked like the two kids standing besides him, Petrified. Ben does as said. I've raised him better than our parents ever could.

Air was starting to limit, seconds, I'd been left alone. A metal rod in my hand from construction waste. Shadows on ground, demon on top of screaming child, begging. Curtains flung making me see fate of a helpless child. Depth of pores on his face is less of what will happen to him in hell. I stared at target when I jumped in.

Lilia whispered "run" even in her most defenceless moment. Looking at Lilia turning into a corpse drenched in blood charged the badness I so wanted to unleash. No time wasted. I swung the rod in his eye, crushing. Screams muffled, perhaps didn't want to wake the oh-so catholic neighbours of no use that an innocent child gets brutally raped. I swung it again. The tearing of his skin, blood smeared on white marbles, stepping on his rotting balls, in satisfaction.

"That bastard sold me for losing" Lilia shivered. My insides went cold. He was high and passed out in another room. I chopped his tongue and returned.

I helped her slide on a pair of trouser and carried her on my back. With no explanation Ben signaled the driver to drive. Twins were with Ben, asleep, so we didn't talk.

"Thought, I was going to die" Lilia smiled through her tears, I laughed through mine.

"I can't win this, alone" I held her hand while she laid on my lap.

"Straight to police station" my chest rose in pride when I heard Ben.

".... Live a good life" glass shattered on my chest.

The taxi stopped, if they were to stop they would never make it out alive, we were tailed.

"Look at me" I held Ben's shoulder, who I've annoyed with the idea of them leaving without me.

"One more step..." Both eyes puddled with deep regrets and fear of what was to come, he hugged me so tightly that my ribs could break at some point so that I knew what it was to have a family.

"...till the end." He joined one last duet with me.

I kissed the sleeping foreheads of the twins.

"Wait" a faint murmur.

I handed Lilia a pen and gave her an empty canvas of my wrist. I quickly dug the pen deep in my skin and tattooed it, so I'd never forget.

"This is real" she whispered and I kissed her forehead yearning for a place with people like us, vulnerable, pitiful with hopes of future.

Taxi drove away moments after I stepped out.

"you must win" she'd written, with hope, we'd meet again.

Then, everything flips into reverie when mammoths of honks came crashing, flashes synonymous to camera-snaps, my jaw shuddered, hips dislocated, on the ground my skull punctured.

Life is a beautiful thing. Clinking of machines, beating of hearts, lasting frenzy of fears. I overcame it, on this long sleep.

Torch-light flashes, bulbs confined in glass walls, brilliant. A red lip long face spectacled lady sat drinking her coffee, holding onto an iPad.

"Wide-awake....Could you tell me who you are?"

"My name is Dah-- June Silvester, I am 22 years old and I live in New-York city with my parents" my heart weirdly clenches, as if I've said it all wrong.

"Who is Lilia?" words resounds.

"She--" with drowsiness on my lids.

"It is your nickname" she suggests, I nod quietly.

"Any questions?"

"Why am I here?"

"You suffered a concussion. Try to remember."

"Yes... an accident, I was 16, I'd my first break up then"

"Good-fascinating...Since then you suffer from personality dissociation, thats why you have few characters made up in your head."

"Rune, Reni the twins and Ben" I whisper.

"You know they aren't real right?"

"Characters made up in my mind--"

"Hm, because of the concussion?" She suggests. I give her a nod.

"Very good" impressed while pulling me up from hypnotherapy chair. There are some people standing outside of her cabin.

"You know them?" she pauses when I look skeptically.

"Of Course... they are my parents... mom-dad" all smiles.

My mom hugs me telling me about my memory gaps and fills me in. Dad kisses my forehead telling me he is proud that I graduated MBA, I must take over his business firm, the one in Manhattan. It is named Dahlia, thats why it feels so familiar.

The Rolls-Royce came about and I took the back seat. Windows rolled down, and I see a couple with two teenage daughters walking down the street. I smile feeling content at their laughters as if I should've been in between them sharing those few moments.

I look down on my wrist, three words...the middle one is gone, because of accident-scars. The only words remaining for me to live on and lead a life without trying to decode it for a billionth time is...

"You Won".