From Memories to Chitrangda

FROM MEMORIES TO CHITANGADA

Mum says- ‘The more you read, the more you can write’ but I am just so much demoralized by reading. The more I read the more I am confused. You must be wondering why reading confuses me, it’s because the more I read, the more I feel – ‘there are so less to write about. Some one or the other in some parts of the world had written about the subjects I desired to write. There are no subjects awaited to write for me.’ I feel so demoralized. So irritated. So depressed. Most of the times the subjects are best described, there is no need of writing them with extra flayer. Then one day suddenly I came up with a feeling deep within. As if someone within me had complained about a deep feeling I had burdened for years. And yes I sat writing that.

Can you believe a person falling in love with a celebrity in such a way that his death could set her crying, or maybe in such extent that her dreams change and flows in such a way that she wants to work in his films. How lucky a star was, that she could even sacrifice her respect to reach to him. How she must have felt when he died. Somewhere somehow he is still alive in her heart deep within.

Arunduti was just a girl of 16 when she saw his film in the theatre. ‘Memories in March’ She was mesmerized by the story. She thought – ‘Death is truly can be a beginning of a story.’ Rituparno Ghosh a person worth falling in love with. A man with immense creativity, a man with no ‘so called’ point of view about life, a man irrespective of his sex is a ‘real’ woman. She kept aside all the reviews written about his sexual preferences, and just loves him as he was in his creation. His knowledge, his creation, and even his struggle with himself made her weak. Arunduti desired to be a man in his love.

After the show with her boyfriend she silently came home buying all the DVD’s of his films. Spend hours watching them repeatedly. His representation of the smallest of feeling in a beautiful way made her think. For days she would be engrossed thinking how for a man is it possible to feel the same way a woman feels. She thought herself to be a freak as she never knew his name for so long. A name of a film maker who makes a girl like her to cry in the theatre. She knew his name and seen some interviews on TV but his sexual preference made her make fun about him with her school mates. But I must say a film had changed Arunduti completely.

After watching the film she wrote in her dairy;-

Date:- TILL ITERNITY

Rituparno Ghosh, a man with sexual displacement, a man I have always made fun of, a man with a girly personality how have he been so perfect in his understanding of himself! How could he just portray the exact reaction of a mother after knowing her son to be a gay after her child’s death? So perfect a visualization of a felling in the appropriate situation. I wonder how he reveals’ the complexity of a woman. I being a woman could never understand a woman in such a way. I feel like cursing myself for making fun of him.

Arunduti a girl with a heart of complete woman did everything that was possible at her part. She searched the social networking sight and sent him a friend request. Each day she would just log in to see his smiling face and be all the more confident about her goal. She contacted various production houses, made a costly portfolio and waited. There was only one friend during her wait for a chance that was only the DVD’s of his film. She would spend hours practicing the dialogs. And one day there came a call. She was given a date of audition. She was so happy; she danced, hummed tunes and prayed to God secretly so that she gets selected. And yes she was. But she was not happy.

Why?

Why was she not happy?

Finally she wept; the director wanted her to be his girl friend.

He said- ‘you are good. But...’

‘but what sir?’

‘but I have a demand without which you will not be allotted’

‘what sir?’

‘apart from 1 year contract, you will have to be my girl friend’

‘What!’

‘If you disagree then there are a thousand ready for your place, they might not be as good as you but...’

‘It’s enough sir, it’s your choice you can surely try someone else, but not me.’

‘Fine then see you Miss Arunduti.’

‘Fine, thank you.’

Arun’s aim was stronger than her silly emotions. Soon she forgot the incident and went forward with her dreams. From Shakespeare to Ruskin Bond from Tagore to Joy Goswami she read all that she could get. She did not go out to play, nor did she go shopping, she just closed herself in a room and read. Working with Rituparno turned out to be her obsession now. Not more than 10 months she got another call. She went for an exclusive audition with a director. And an incident worth remembering. Her obsession in 10 months had killed her self-respect. Denying her own self she accepted the director’s proposal. She spent time with him. She got merrily used and paid. Paid!! Did I just say that! Yes it’s odd to hear but it’s true. And the film! She was as usual not casted. She took the money and left the room.

She was torn and tattered by guilt. She took bath a million times to wash of the touch, but just like the million perfumes of Persia, the water could not remove the stain. It was not just a stain in her body; the wicked face to the man haunted her. Yes the obsession killed the innocent girl from within. It’s so difficult to reach your dreams if you don’t know the right way.

‘Kaisi ajeeb dawat hai yeh, main bin bulai mehemaan,

Gharwala kahaan lapata sab chor ke sunsaan’

Isn’t it a wonder, to be a guest at your own home?

It tears me, tatters me.

Just me alone.

Arunduti began changing herself. Transforming herself in his love. She started to fight with her own self. She became so insensitive. She changed her dressing pattern, changed her hair style. Yes she looked like a complete man in his love. Soon her facebook gender preference changed form MAN to WOMAN.

Is it possible to change yourself for a celeb, strange. She crossed all the boundaries for a film director. She ate, slept, dressed, thought, reacted just like a man. A girl turning into a man. There is a famous story of Rabindranath Tagore namely CHITRANGADA. A princess who was brought up like a prince, took all lessons that is necessary for a prince to take up, like archery, horse riding, sword playing and etcetera. But having a heart of a girl she fell in love with a prince and wanted to be a complete woman. Here the story was same but transformation was opposite. Yes Arunduti transformed herself into a man.

Arunduti can you hear me?

Yes writer.

Why are you changing yourself? and that also for a film director, why?

I love him, he loves men and not woman, and I want to feel just the way he feels.

Aren’t you scared of the society?

No. My love is strong and I give a damn to the society?

If the society makes fun of you?

I would love to be made fun of, everyone even made fun of him, but did he put a stop to his likings?

No he didn’t but you will be casted away from the normal life.

Even he was casted away. It was his work that brought a shower of his existence in the normal society. I will also be accepted for my work and not be judged for my sexual preference.

But Arun....

No ifs and buts writer, this is the truth.

And how will you go about this truth Arun?

I am planning to go through a sex transplant. Girls are misused in every field. I would want to be a boy so that I am safe in the masked environment.

And after that?

After that I would write, and make films or maybe act in his films.

Why would he take you?

I will be eligible in all ways to work with him. Ok now I got to go writer, I have an appointment with the doctor.

What about your dad, will he allow?

I had a conversation with him regarding this and he said he will pay. My dad’s rich, so he will give me whatever I like but just wants me to be happy. He is cool.

Ok then bye Arun, sees you some other time dear.

Bye writer...

Arun is going to the doctor! Unbelievable. She is just gone crazy. Oh God give her some good idea, please don’t let her ruin her life like this!

It’s a costly transplant. On her 18th birthday in 30th May 2013 before the day of her admission in the nursing home. There was breaking news on T.V and shocking news for her.

RITUPARNO GHOSH DIED IN A HEART ATTACK IN THE MORNING.

She couldn’t believe her eyes. Her love, her idol, her dream lay dead on the hospital bed. A cry that broke all silence, a cry of a severe loss, a cry of a death. Arun was silent like a door nail. She stopped speaking. The shock was intense. She was a heart for her father, he always tried to make her happy but nothing made the little Arun smile. She looked at herself in the mirror all the time. But she couldn’t recognize the Arun she knew. She lost herself. Her father knew that only Rituparno Ghosh could bring his daughter back, but he is no more.

‘What will I do?’ - thought her father.

Suddenly he saw a poster on the wall; it was the poster of Rituparno’s last film ‘CHITRANGADA’. He bought the DVD for his daughter. When Arun got the DVD, a slight smile and a cold tear rolled down her cheeks. She cried the cry of eternal pain, the cry of eternal loss, the cry of her dead love.

Slowly she unwrapped the DVD and played it.....

CHITRANGADA – A RIGHT TO CHOOSE ONES GENDER...

Arun wanted to be a man in his love, and he wanted to be a woman for his love.

There was no reason left for her transplant. Arun was back just the way God made her.

‘You will be loved just as God created you, and the man-made you will not be as beautiful as you are naturally’

Chitrangada accepted herself as a woman, Rituparno Ghosh accepted himself as a man putting his desire to become a woman aside, last but not the least Arunduti found her lost self back.