What Was That I Did Wrong

Meena was sitting on the threshold of her home, looking at the back of the man who was leaving her. The man was her husband whom she had married at the age of thirteen, while Dileep, her husband was sixteen years old. They were both young to get married by the law but by the rules of the society they were of the right age but now at the age of thirty, he was leaving her. The man she had loved for seventeen years, the father of her four children was leaving her and her children and could not look back even for once. She could not understand what she was feeling right now, her feelings were everywhere. The only thing she knew was that she was heartbroken. She felt like her heart was breaking in two literally.

At that moment if anyone croossing the street happened to look upon her, they would see a woman sitting on the floor, whose body was wrecking with silent sobs and if they look closely they will see a woman with red glassy eyes (whose cheeks were red and swollen from all the crying she did.) At that the only thing that person can say is she had suffered a great loss. But only she knows what she had lost and she could not explain it to anyone either.

She had lost the man with whom she had vowed to live forever and more.The happy life they had lived together with their four children for seventeen years was flying through her eyes, years of happy and joyous life. But now she had lost not just that Love but family too because without her husband there is no love or family lest the happiness.

In this difficult time of life she was alone. And this lonliness made her miss him more, because he wasn't just her husband but her friend too. She had found a friend and partener in him who listens to her thoughts and all her childhood fantasies when she got married to Dileep. A partener with whom she had shared her joy and happiness of the birth of their children and also her sorrows when she had suffered the great loss of her father's death in a field accident, all of these thoughts, joys and sorrows she had shared with Dileep, who had consoled her and made her happy again. He was the rock who took all her difficulties and problems on his own shoulder.

But now he wasn't there beside her shouldering all her problems nor will he take her problems away. Her husband, Dileep had left her and her four children and for what she could not understand. His reasoning for leaving them was surreal, Neither something she could believe nor she want to believe that Dileep was leaving not only her but their children too.

She could still remember the moment he came home wearig bhagva(saffron coloured) clothes .she was taken aback by what she saw, she do not know what to say her husband had never wear anything like this and it was unheard for a family man to wear Bhagva clothes and she could not understand why was he wearing them. She did not need to voice her question because at that very moment he answered her unvoiced question and told her that, He was leaving to Himalayas in the search of God, The one creator of this world. She can still recall What he said word by word, because those words were engraved in her brain always to remind her that she and her children were not his priority anymore.

She remembered they were standing in the outer room of their home just past the entrance of their home, they were standing close but not too close, she noticed his eyes looked different not like she remembered them to be, and she could not understand how, because its only been three days when she last saw him. He had left to meet Mahant ji, who lived in the next village. She wasn't expecting him so late at night, her children were asleep and she was too almost but a knock at the door had woke her up, she was confused because it was late at night and she wasn't expecting anyone at that hour. Everyone in the village was asleep and she was alone, as her husband was away. So at the second knock she opened the door hesitantly and cautiously.

After she opened the door she saw someone standing on the other side of the door who, she could not recognize untill he stepped in her home uninvited. At that moment she was gripped with a fear she had never felt before, Her throat felt like a ball was struck in it and she could not utter a single word, not even a cry of fear left her mouth, but too soon all her fears were soothed when she realized that, the person standing in front of her was her husband Dileep.

She wanted to ask him why he came so late but he did not give her any chance to say a singe word when he said "O my dearest Meena, I had loved you since we got married and I still do. More than that I had loved our children. I know we vowed to live together and help each other in every difficulty of life. I know it is my duty to look after you and take care of our children, But I could not live in this materialistic world anymore. I must leave to find God, The creator of all beings." Seeing the tears forming in her eyes he turn around as to not see the hurt look in her eyes knowing that it was he, who cause that look and continued to say "You do not know how I feel dear Meena for past few months everytime I am alone, sitting or working in the field. I can hear a slow voice in my mind asking me to find it, to look for it, but everytime I looked around and try to find it, there was nothing. Meena it scared me I feel like I am going mad, I heard these voices in my head but could not find anyone. Who is calling me or asking me to find him?"

At this Meena don't know what to say,he had never told her anything about it. It was more disturbing because he shared all his thoughts and burdens with her and told her everything or shouls she say, he used to share everything with her because now looking at him, she do not know if she even know him at all. Indifferent to her thoughts he continued to speak "I did not know what to do, so thats why I was gone to talk to 'Mahant Ji', Mahant ji was very kind and patient with me. He heard everything I had to say, after that he told me the meaning of all this, He said to me that I must go in the search of God, and it was his way of calling me and telling me to leave this material world which only have difficulties for me.

Hearing his words Meena thought why she let Dileep go to mahant ji, if she hadn't he would not have thought about leaving, But it was too late now because he had already gone to Mahant ji who had put this idea of leaving in his head. Unknown to the turn that Meena's thought had taken Dileep continue his rant,

"I thought about what Mahant ji said and thought about you and our children too. But every time I tried to think about you all that voice called me again and asked me to come and search for him. I told Mahant ji about this and all the time I stayed there Mahant ji gave me his wisdom and told me about his own experience of life. After two days of continuous talking and explaining, he told me to make a discision. He said that it is I who need to choose between this material world and Parmartha and left for the night. It took me whole night to realize what I want to do and make a discision and this very morning I told Mahant ji that I would leave for Himalayas' and leave this material world behind. He gave me these clothes and Deeksha and then wish me luck for my journey. Now I have come to tell you that I must leave. I know you are worried about children, I know I am, but I also knew you would take good care of them and will give them the love of both mine and yours. I know you and children will miss me and they will cry for me but soon they will forget about me and will be happy again. I know I must greet them, But I cannot do that. I must leave while they are asleep. Now bid me farewell and let me leave My dearest Meena."

All this time while Dileep was talking Meena was sobbing. She know by just looking at him and the manner he was standing or the way he was talking, he had made up his mind and no one, aspecially Meena,can make him stay. But she can not beare the thought of him leaving them alone in this cruel world that he was running from. she knows he was running from the difficulties of life. She knows it was not the God calling him but his own mind telling him to run. She now knew she had married a coward, who is afraid to face challenges of life and can't dodge the curve balls that fate sends his way. She wants to tell him exactly that, but she also knew that he will not hear it nor it will benefit her in any way. she knows he will believe what Mahant ji said, So there was nothing she could do to make him stop.

Still she tried to stop him even begged him to stay.If not for her then for the sake of their children he must stay.But he had made up his mind and could not be stopped. With a last look on his children's sleeping form he left. He could not even look her in the eye and bid her goodbye, knowing that only thing he would see in her eyes is pain and tears,which he had caused. That hurt him too, because till tomorrow the were his family and his world revolved around them, But now he must leave, the voice was calling him again.

She tried to run after him to stop him one last time, to console herself that she had tried, but at the threshold her feet caught in her saree and she fell to the floor. In the haze of pain and tears she forgetfor a moment what she was doing. But the moment she realized where she was, she righted herself and look ahead to stop him but he was gone. Now she can only stare longingly on the road he had taken with sad puffy eyes. After all that happened she was left alone. In this silent, gloomy and dark night the only thing playing on her mind was one question which she asked herself "What Was That I Did Wrong?"