The Unusual Choice

When we are kids we dream to become doctors, engineers, pilots etc. When I was born I too dreamt of becoming a soldier one day. But with time I realized that what we think or dream most of the times is never fulfilled. You need tochase your dreams. The more you run after it, the farther it runs away from you. This is what happened with me.

I’m Satvik Ruhil. Life was not the same like it is now. Today I live in Amsterdam. But 6 years back I was just an aimless man living life in the streets of Mumbai. I’m 32 today. My family was never proud of my actions. I was not worth their status because of my habits.

I had a good schooling and college too but never respected the value of education in my life. My teens were filled with drugs, alcohol, watching porn, hanging out with friends, floundering money and rebelling the good and accepting the bad. The only thing which I was master at was seducing girls.

I had my first sexual encounter at the age of 18. The girl was from my 1st year college. She and I had developed feelings for each other and under the influence of brash teenage I did her till she cried and begged me to stop. After that she slapped me twice but I enjoyed the pain and pleasure both. This opened the floodgates for numerous encounters with girls and women of all age groups.

While doing all this, I completed my college with surprisingly 75% marks but never had control on urge to flirt with women. My life just revolved around having sex and leaving women for good. One night stands had become my hobby. I used to pick up women, enjoy till the night lasts and then leave them as used tissues.

The animal in me refused to die. The inner instincts always rebelled whenever I thought of calling it quits. The idea of making a video of me performing these unholy acts of sin made me toy with a lot of things.

At the age of 21, I was selling my 1st home made porn video. It was an encounter with a married woman of 35. She was lonely and I was charming. She & I met in a mall where we struck chord immediately and what followed after that was rounds of dates and casual encounters in my car and at her place. Her husband stayed in Australia because of his job and she in order to satiate her sexual desires used me more than my limit.

I got so addicted and hooked to her that even 3 times a day became a regular routine. Life revolved around her. But after a few months I got bored and left her high and dry in between one of our steamy sessions. I needed something new and fresh to keep me alive. The more I delved deep into it, the more of a sex maniac I became.

I could imagine women in all postures and at all times 24*7 a day. Life had made some other plans for me. I was no good to the society. My parents were infuriated when they found Playboy and other adult magazines in my room and to add at the top of it were found sex toys which were part of my fantasy.

The resounding beating I got from my dad after I was caught red handed with all this stuff still reverberates in my mind. Love had no meaning to me actually. I always had a hidden beast inside me which revealed itself whenever it saw or met women. The art of seduction came naturally to me. Life wasn’t easy as I was packed and sent to hostel to pursue journalism.

I was never a science student. I opted for Arts when my other friends wanted to become doctors or engineers. I researched and read a lot about human body and tried to gain more knowledge on human body. Women were a subject of interest for me at that time. I was least interested in having a girl friend or getting married in the future as I knew I wasn’t destined for all of this.

The girls who tried to love me ended up in bed. Those who couldn’t be convinced would get beaten mercilessly by me at times. I always loved playing the devil. But god was also planning to give me the taste of my own medicine. He had plans for me and was going to ensure that I trudge on a path which he designed for me.

I could toy with the options but I couldn’t go against nature’s will. With time, I had become angrier and dominating. I had learned the art of Kama sutra by reading the book couple of times. Sex was the only thing which gave me heights of passion. Besides all this college was a no go.

I hardly attended classes but somehow notes made by friends helped me in scraping through to the next semester. I had a knack to write and imagine. I always tried to convert my thought process in to imagination but failed to capture it with the right set of words. The writer in me wanted to come out but the beast in me was always active.

College was a place where you could get women of all shapes and sizes but I had to be careful with my choices. I always observed picked up girls and then made them my target. I subjected them to heights of ecstasy from where they begged me to give them more. I had explored the art of captivating a woman’s mind. I let them dominate at first, then give them heights of pleasure, the pain and then subject them to my brutality. Most of the women surrendered to my whims and fancies.

Life was going great till an incident in my life put brakes on my entirety. I became a subject of mockery. The shame my parents had to bear because of my misdeeds became too much of a burden to bear for them. The taunts and the prying eyes of the neighbors put them to shame.

I was not going to let my parents down at any cost. This was the sole motto of my life but it all went for a toss when they came to know about my sexual escapades from a jealous acquaintance. They couldn’t take it and my father along with my other poured kerosene and lit fire to their bodies.

When I came back to my house it was like a burning pyre. The desire to do something good for us and them died instantly. I needed to get away from all of this. Like a confused and a coward soul, I ran away from the place.Few of my friends along with whom I had built a castle of erotic videos especially home made ones suggested an environment change to me. I was not in a frame of mind to take up anything.

A few days later I was on a ship with a visa to an unknown destination with one of colleagues in the business. I had started to detest my own existence. Life had come to a full circle for me. My own childhood and the path which I had trudged on flashed in front of my eyes.

In the meantime I developed fever which made me a physically weak and a burden on my friend. My health was deteriorating day by day. The ship journey made me sick. I puked a lot. My body refused to accept food. The only time I felt calm was when the ship made stops at places where few passengers boarded and few unloaded.

After a tiresome journey of 2 weeks I reached a city which I had never imagined in my dreams. My friend asked me to wait on the dock as he went on to get clearance for me. I didn’t know when my eyes did become heavy and I slept on the wooden planks. The rumbling sounds of cloud woke me up from my deep slumber.

I tried getting up but my body didn’t support me at all. A few passers by lift me up and carried me to the check post. From there on what I remember was that I was rushed in an ambulance and found myself lying on the bed.

I woke up with tubes and needles sticking out my body. The doctor was speaking in a language which I couldn’t understand. A translator had been arranged from the embassy for me. I couldn’t make out what was going on around me. The constant questioning left me high and dry.

I was allowed a visa permit of a month. Later on, the translator told me that I had landed in Amsterdam. I asked him its whereabouts and he laughed at my lack of knowledge. My reports were due to arrive in a few days. I was shocked at the revelation that I had landed in Netherlands capital place. But more agony awaited me.

My reports came in and the doctors confirmed that I suffered from AIDS. Apart from that I suffered from Compulsive Sexual Behavior. I was shattered in a second and the old skeletons of my life came tumbling out from the closet. The doctors constantly asked me about my romps and all I could muster to say was that it was unprotected most of the times. The doctors informed that I had very less time. My body immunity had gone for a toss and I was too fragile to live on my own.

I knew there was no treatment for what I had. One night I removed all the needles and jumped out of the balcony. I just kept running and running until my legs gave out and I passed away on one of the streets.

When I woke up I saw a woman sitting besides me in skimpy clothes and the little room and bed all dolled up with beads and other colors. There lay a television set and a few magazines with women scantily dressed. I tried asking her few questions in my broken English and what came in reply was a shock to me.

I had landed up in the one of the most red light areas of the world. My life had thrown me back to the same place from where it all had started. All I could make out from that woman’s talk was that she was one of the workers in those areas. She rushed out of the room and came back with another woman who had bare minimum clothes on her body.

Both of them gasped and then the other woman stroked my head and asked me few questions in Hindi. I was surprised and she told that she was forced in this trade by few people and had been shipped here a few years back. She stayed back for a while as I fainted again while murmuring a few things under my breath.

When I woke up after a few days I had nothing with myself. I scanned my clothes and looked at the woman who was tending to me. I smiled feebly and she responded back. I came to know that her name was Roshnara.

When I walked out of that dingy room all I could see was women scantily dressed up, alcohol flowing out and men leeching and behaving like beasts. I was very surprised to find a school and college in the vicinity. Roshnara told me that all the women of the red light district went to school and college in the afternoon and studied in order to learn the basic things of life.

She enquired about me and all I could tell her was that I was once in to this profession and how destiny had struck with ill happenings. She sympathized with me but she was of little help. She fixed me a room there in the district. But the laws were pretty strict. I had to work in order to stay.

Few days later I made up my mind and I decided to convey my decision to Roshnara. She was elated at first but then her face fell because the job I wanted to undertake needed permission from the higher ups. I wanted to push my luck. She fixed a meeting with the chairman of the district and I sat in front of a woman in her forties.

I was nervous at first but gradually when I started speaking she frowned and listened to all my ideas. Her face was ice cold but she maintained a calm demeanor. All this while Roshnara was in the room to translate what all I told her. The chairman asked us to leave and wait for her decision in the meantime.

I got tense as soon as I was called upon inside. She handed me a letter which was in English and congratulated me. I had landed up my first job as the sex education teacher in school. I was also supposed to teach photography skills to my students. I was the first male teacher of this unique school. I was surprised at the treatment meted out to me in Amsterdam and what people think back in India about it.

I informed Roshnara about my disease in time and she whaled and cried a lot. Never again I touched a woman. I enjoyed my work. It was a respectable job. Life had planned to surprise me each and every time and I landed up on the doorstep of what took away everything from me.

I write this letter in order for my child to read. Yes you are reading it right. Roshnara too suffered from AIDS. I came to know about it later. Roshnara & I tied the knot in a church ceremony six months after I met her. The chairman and all her colleagues and my red light area students were present at that time.

I don’t want this life for our baby. My baby will do worthy things and make us proud. This letter will help her understand our sufferings and help making wise decisions. I also forgive my friend for abondoning me on the docks of Amsterdam at the first place. I also forgive the jealous acquaintance whose revelations led to my parents agony and demise. But there is no one to forgive me and I'll live with the sin even after death.

Roshnara is pregnant with our baby but I might not be able to live through to see her come in this world. I’ll be back in the hospital soon. The beeps of the machines will cut down my muffled cries, the pain of the needles will be absorbed by the happiness inside and life will not be that bad what it seemed to be at the first place.