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Sitting at the edge of the seat I realize that I can't unlearn it now!

Meet me, Casey, who had always lived in an imaginary cage which would not let me open up to guys, for the fear that I might fall for them or the worse, they might fall for me!!! I would always have a crush on one or the other guys (sometimes more than one at a time) but would develop cold feet once I realized that my crush too had started noticing me and was developing interest in me. I would start ignoring him, become out right rude or just pretend that I never had any feelings for him and ultimately the chase will get over in its due course!!

That was till I met him, Jason!! I know he wasn't the most astonishing guy that I had ever met neither was he the most handsome, he wasn't skilled in any particular art (thing that I like in a guy) nor was he an intellectual being. Yet there was something which just clicked!! We literally hit it like a house on fire!!! We soon started talking, chatting in our free time and eventually decided to go out once to see where it goes.

So, we take his car and hit the road not sure where we want to go. He says: Movies - waste of time, Restaurant - too noisy to talk, Amusement Park - Not enough time.. So we decide to just go for a long drive on this sunny afternoon and grab a bite in between. He tells me about his past relationships and the heart breaks he has had, how he can never trust another woman in life and would never be in a relationship. I am stunned!! What am I doing here if he can't trust another woman in life? And it is then that he says that “you have a beautiful figure you know, you carry yourself well, though you are not beautiful in the strict sense of beauty but you have a charm which is hard to resist. May be we should go out and just enjoy the present not worrying about the future for now.” I don’t know how to react on this objectification of my body!! I would have loved it had he said the same after proclaiming his uncontrollable love for me, but here he was claiming not to love yet appreciating my stats!! I explain that I would like to be committed, I want to experience the constant yearn to be with the loved one, the feeling of falling madly in love and knowing that the other person is equally mad in love with me, the constant messages to check what I am doing, and the smile that the name blinking from phone screen brings on my face with each message received, I want to hold hands and cuddle and put my nose in the small gap between his neck and chest and ..well there's so much more I want to experience and he probably cant' bring that feelings in him for me so we should just part ways here and now! He looks at me as if I’m crazy!! “In which time and age do you live? You always want to take the safest road, don’t you? Baby no one can ever promise to be in your life forever and if someone is doing that then it’s just to have a claim on you and sooner or later that person will leave you for good!!” “How can you be so sure of that? You have had your share of relationships and I’ve had none! I too want to be in a relationship!!” “Well! That I can’t give you!! We can be ‘friends with benefits’ if you like with strictly ‘No strings attached’, you are young, naïve and lack experience, you know you should know how it feels to hug a guy, to touch his lips..” “I’ve so many guy friends and have hugged them at many occasions; I don’t think I require any special training for that!! As for touching the lips, frankly I’ve never done that and I want to do it when I fall in love. It should be a gesture of love, commitment and trust. Why would I do it with anyone just for the sake of it?” He puts his hand on my shoulder, brings me closer to him, kisses my forehead and says “Coz you need to know how it feels.”

I look into the eyes gazing intently into mine. What is it that I see? Is it love? But how could it be when he just said that he doesn’t love me? Is it care, a longing for me, a curiosity to know me better or just plain lust? I am still trying to figure it out and crashing all my thoughts mid way, he gently plants a small kiss on my lips!! I am at loss of words!! What was that? How do I react to that? Oh! Are smooches supposed to be ‘that’ wet?? Did I like it? Do I want to do it again? Where am I?

He has a mischievous smile playing on his lips. Tilting his head a little to his left he says “Do you want to do it again?” I give a guarded expression and lean my head a little closer to his “Do what?”

He smiles and we kiss. Like there is no tomorrow, like the world doesn’t exist, like he belongs to me and I to him, we kiss. We kiss as if this was our last chance together!!

Now he is driving me back to my hostel room, busy understanding the way from this unknown place we had kept the car parked at and I’m lost in my world. He keeps throwing curious glances in my direction but decides against disturbing me. Sitting at the edge of the seat, I realize I can’t forget the feeling. I am not the same person anymore and I can’t go back to be what I was earlier. Is it good or is it bad? Can I forget it all and just continue living as if nothing happened? Do I need to live that way? Can’t I just enjoy the moment and continue living the way I want to? But what about all the plans I had about my life? How I always thought that I would wait for the right person to enter my life and will just belong to him? But how would I know who is the right person?

Looking out of the car window, pondering over my thoughts I spot clouds covering the sun in the open sky. Ha! Unexpected rain in a summer afternoon!! And in that moment I realize that I can’t dictate my life to follow my plans, there are surprises waiting at every corner so instead of avoiding them I would enjoy my journey better if I hug them with an open heart!!

Have I changed or have you changed me?