CROSSROADS

“No matter where you run, life invariably puts you in the crossroads every once in a while..!! You are thrown up with a dilemma that makes you or breaks you..! Your decisions follow you no matter what… Trust me there’s no hiding…!”

Diary entry on 13th July, 2002.

I had a strange beginning to the day today. I don’t know if god was feeding me some heavenly counsel to get me out of my baffled mindset or it was just my stupid visualization of what I am going through. I stood alone on a deserted humid highway, lonely with my throat dry I guess. I must have got there by mistake or accident. There were two roads in front of me, both leading in opposite directions as you can imagine. I stood there confused, not knowing what to do…

A few seconds later, I saw an angelic version of me, who appeared beautiful to my eyes, in a white bridal dress standing on one of the roads. She had happiness written all over her face. There was no one with her. Yet, she wasn’t looking lonely or lost…! She appeared extra bright in the white costume just as they show in detergent ads. The glow on her face was pulling me towards her like a magnet.

Meanwhile I was distracted by some movement on the other road. I saw a man whose face resembled me very closely. He was moving uncomfortably on the corner of the street. He was ready to run any moment. He seemed lost, afraid and unkempt. An immediate sense of pity filled me as soon as I saw him. I wished I could help him. But he moved away from me as soon as I saw him.

Before I could make sense of what was happening, I was woken up from the unfinished, complex dream of mine that I had to decipher. While writing it now, I should say the visual was my situation put in a frame. It is a reminder that I have to decide and I have to make the decision soon. I can’t take it anymore. It is getting out of hand… For how long can I hide myself from the rest of the world…? I can’t be ashamed of being myself. That would be against God’s wish. Wouldn’t it..?

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Diary entry on 17th Feb, 1995.

My name is Raagav.

I am nine years old.

I am studying 4th standard in Maxwell Matriculation School, Thanjavur.

This is my new diary.

This is first entry in my new diary.

This diary is my daddy’s gift.

My daddy tell me writing diary is a good habit.

It help me know what I think.

I write what happened daily.

I write what I think.

I love my father, mother.

I don’t like my brother.

Don’t know what to write.

I ask daddy tomorrow and write more.

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Diary entry on 17thAugust,1997.

My diary is my best friend. I realize this today. I dint know what my dad meant when he gave me my first diary. He knew I would not get along with other kids or the other kids won’t get along with me. I study well, play well, but nobody wants to be with me. Even my brother teases me. I wish Appa you were with me now. Amma is not on my side. She keeps taking Anna’s side always. I love him. But he doesn’t love me like I love him. I think things will change when I grow up. I will grow strong. Everybody will like me. Appa, tell God to be with me and not go with Anna always…

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Diary entry on 21st September, 1998.

Appa. I don’t know where to sit and cry. Wherever I go, somebody finds me and starts teasing. I did not know it was a wrong thing to do. I don’t want to go to school. But what will I do sitting at home..? Kids in my colony will tease me. Exams are coming. I should study. When I get first rank again this time, nobody will laugh.

Amma asked me why I went into the girls’ toilet. I did not know what to answer. I don’t know why I went there. I just went along with my friends. I won’t go here after. I did not know everybody will tease me so much.

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Diary entry on 14th April, 1999.

Why do I like sitting next to girls..? Why do I feel shy when talking to boys? Why do all the boys in the class look at me differently..? Girls also don’t talk to me. I saw Deepa’s mother telling her to stay away from me today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Amma keeps crying always. Appa what is my problem..? If you were here, you could have told me. You know I wrote the exam so well today. I think I will score a centum. You should be happy. You should tell god to make me happy. And also, ask him to make Amma happy. I can’t make her happy…!:-(

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Diary entry on 2nd March, 2000.

Appa. You know what happened today. I acted in my school’s annual day drama. You know I was the heroine of the drama, the queen. I spoke so many dialogues, loud and clear. I thought everybody will clap. But everybody kept laughing throughout the drama. My teacher felt sad. I also felt sad.

You know nobody wanted to take me in the drama. But my teacher supported me and gave me the role I wanted, the queen’s role. But I could not return his favor. May be I didn’t deserve a part in the drama Appa... Nobody wants me except you. But you are not here... :-( What will I do…? What should I do…?

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Diary entry on 16th October, 2000.

Appa, a really strange thing happened today. I stole my class mate Deepa’s lipstick today. I felt very happy when I applied it. I looked great. Everybody kept staring at me. The boys called me ‘Raghavi’… They expected me to get angry. But I was not getting angry. I was happy in fact. They don’t know anything about me. Also, I feel weird wearing pants to school Appa. I should try a skirt. But, if I tell mom, she will kill me. She already hates me more. Anna has stopped talking to me completely. Even if I go talk to him, he walks away. What should I do..? You should somehow tell me if I do any mistakes… People always keep teasing me. People don’t realize what a little girl like me has to go through when people tease.

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Diary entry on 2nd June, 2001.

Today was my first day in my new school Appa. I am in tenth standard now. This year I have board exams. I didn’t want to shift schools. Mom forced me to. There is no big difference. Boys and girls here have already started looking at me differently. Amma wants me to act like a boy. I am trying. But it is very difficult. People find out Appa. I should stop acting…

I find a boy in the new school very attractive. I don’t know if I should go talk to him. He might start hating me like everybody else does. I prefer watching him from a distance. I will get to know him first and then try my luck in friendship. I know I am very bad in making friends. Pray for me Appa…

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Diary entry on 13th April, 2002.

I realized what is happening to me Appa. Today my teacher spoke to me for more than one hour. Appa, he says I am not a guy or a girl. I know I am a girl. He doesn’t believe me. He says I should get medical help. I should stop coming to school or I will be embarrassed more. I can’t do that Appa. You know I am alright. I am alright na…?

I know what my problem is Appa. I am a girl and everybody thinks I am a boy. I should stop being two faced. I can be myself only in my room. When I start being myself outside my room, I will be fine. Everything will be fine. What say..?

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Diary entry on 14th July, 2002.

Appa. I am doing something which you wouldn’t have wanted me to do. I am sorry. But, Amma won’t understand me. Anna won’t talk to me. Nobody at school will talk to me. I have no other choice. I am moving out with people who don’t hate my sight. They are my friends. They are actually like me. But, the best part is they live like how they want to live and not like me. They don’t hide their chudithars in their rooms. They wear them everywhere. I have chosen my path Appa. I don’t want to lower my sight in shame all the time. I won’t cheat anybody by acting like a boy. I want to live life like how I am meant to live, like how God wanted me to live. Today is my first day as a woman to the outside world Appa. You should be proud of me…! I am happy the moment I am writing this… I wish this moment prolongs forever…!

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Diary entry on 15th October, 2013.

Appa. I am writing diary after a lot of years. I am sorry that I gave up the one good habit that you taught me. But my life has been… what will I write Appa…? I can’t put it in words. I can’t share all that I went through with you. How cruel can the world be…? If you are getting a picture of it, multiply that by thousand times and even then you won’t reach the point of cruelty I have been going through. I took my pen in hand today after years. I have run out of tears. I don’t have anybody to talk. I don’t have a choice now but to talk to you. Does this make you happy..? I should pray God to bring you back alive so that I can kill you with my own hands. How dare you Appa…? You knew everything and you left me alone here… Why didn’t you take me with you Appa…? Do gods in heaven hate us like humans in this world do…? You know how I earn my money..? People feel so uncomfortable around me that they pay me to leave their sight. They don’t consider me a ‘he’ or a ‘she’. The world doesn’t consider me even a human fit enough to live…! I am a cursed soul Appa. Is it wrong to get sick of the world that is sick of you..?

Do you remember the strange dream I had told you some years ago..? The dream that I had the day I took my big decision… The one where I had two roads in front of me and how I decided to choose the one my heart yearned for…! You know it and you also know the rest of what happened. But the funny part is I had a similar dream today. I saw the same two roads in front of me.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…

And --- ---- ---- ---- ---- --- ---- ----”

Robert Frost’s poem right Appa..? I don’t know the rest of it. But I remember he chose the road less travelled by, the road his heart yearned for and that in the end made all the difference. I went by my heart once. The greener pastures weren’t so green after all. In today’s dream, you know what I saw…? No points for guessing that I was there on both the roads. It’s obvious. The difference this time was I looked alike on both the roads. The way my image looked in the mirror daily.

On one of the roads, I was creating a scene, crying out loud, pouring my heart out, begging for pity, pleading for mercy, a few seconds of attention and the world would know that I am demanding their attention. But, just like last time, this was all happening on a deserted highway. There was just me and my tears there and no one else.

Unlike last time, the other guy/girl did not distract me. He was just quite. I had to turn my attention to him. He was sitting there in peace. He demanded no attention. He looked happier, healthier, content… Silence in a way is happiness na Appa…? You are getting the picture..?

Will you/God/anybody feel heartbroken, sorry sad if I tell you this is my last entry in a diary Appa…?

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