The day i died

It is 2022, you are in 2022. But i am still here, two years back in 2020, still struck in july when you had told me i was better off dead.

I believed that was true too. Your words were a mere confirmation for me, a sign, that what I was going to do, it was for the best. I understand, mom, that you were angry, you had just beat your 16 year old daughter for getting out of hand. But your 16 year old daughter mom, was depressed, had been for a long time.

So i locked myself in, slowly took the pills out, one by one, swallowing them, with a little bit of water in the steel glass. Thinking, it will all be over today, wondering, whether anyone will regret it which I later learned, you all would have mourned, but definitely not regretted.

I did not know how many it would take, so i googled it, took 16 and waited. I did not know what would happen, how long it would take, so i waited. It seemed like I waited for an eternity, counting my tears. Maybe it had just been two minutes, I can't tell. You were sure by this time, of what I was doing. You were still cursing me out, I could hear it, and patiently waited. You left after some time, continuing with your chores, and I decided to leave the bathroom too. My plan had failed after all.

I went inside my room and covered myself in blankets. I had no idea what was going through your mind, but when I came back to my room, you thought, maybe she didn't really do anything. That is when it started happening. I didn't notice it for a long time, just kept itching myself. It was so itchy, everything, my whole body and then they started showing, little bumps at first, then they looked more like swellings. It was starting to get real, then, and I learned quickly, maybe the amount was not enough to die, maybe it will paralyze me, maybe it was enough for you to abandon me and most of all, I realized that nobody would loose by my death as much as I would. I rushed myself to the kitchen to fill a jug of water and tried to vomit everything out. I engulfed the whole jug of water, still unable to vomit it out. You were watching, so were my two siblings. Not taking one step forward, just observing me, maybe thinking, "that should make her learn her lesson."

I went back, defeated, trying to accept whatever was to come. By this point, my whole body was hot, and swollen. My face, my hands, everything. It was getting unbearable, and unhidable, too obvious.

That is what probably, alarmed you, made you think, it was real, not just a hunch of yours, but something that I had truely done. You frantically held me, asked me what did I do! And I could only say, I did not attempt , I just took two pills, since my head was too heavy. Still lying, still covering it up.

You quickly consulted your relative, a doctor and fed them the lies exactly how I'd fed them to you, it was believable enough to save your 'izzat', even though, both you and I knew, it was not what had happened. I was starting to feel lightheaded, wailing out loud, the pain getting too unbearable. You comforted me, and I was so drained, I took it,forgetting everything else, hugging so you tightly, I thought I would never let go. After all, people only have one mother and you were mine. I remembered how you told me to stay inside so that nobody could get a whiff of my actions, since izzat was important when you knew, your daughter had tried to commit scuicide.

You carried me outside to my brother on a scooty, and sat behind me, while bhaiya drove us to the doctor probably thanking the God, that it was night time and nobody was out on the street.

Dizzy, i sat on A chair, while you told the doctor what you had told the relative and quickly asked for the medicines and showed the injections, the relative had messaged you and bhaiya told me to close my legs and sit properly while I was dying.

I remember your breathing was loud, panicked, but like the good son he is, bhaiya kept you calm.

I lost consciousness on my way back, you later told me, you thought I had died and you had started crying loudly on the way back and bhaiya told you to keep it low in the streets.

I wonder if you told me this so that I would think about how much you care about me.

The rest of the night, needless to say, was a horror, but you were by side, the entire night so were they, doing everything they could to comfort me and refusing to sleep.

I only vomited the whole night, the swelling gone by about 1 AM. And I only was thinking, why do I have to keep suffering, I can't even die. Will I die? Will my lever stop working? Will I not die? What happens then? You kept holding my hand throughout while I didn't say a word, except for my wailings.

You called the doctor once more, when I wouldn't stop puking in the middle of the night.

And by the morning, all the traces of my attempt were gone, yet it was embedded in everyone's heart, or maybe brain.

We didn't talk about it for about two days, and I had almost started thinking, that maybe you believed that I only took 2 pills.

And that night, dad called me, you were sitting beside him, and he only asked

"Why did you do it beta? "

And the tears started pouring out of my eyes, yet I couldn't bring myself to do anything, but lie, so I did. I refused attempting. And not even a second later, I thought, maybe it is my chance, maybe, i should tell them everything. But then, He continued,calmly,

Did you ever think about what others would say about your family? Did you think about what they would say about you?

And I did not regret lieing, It was for the best, I pretended to understand, and I went back, nodding while all his words sorrounding my head and not going in, I was afraid that if i heard more, I would only end up hurting myself. So I nodded and did not listen.

I never understood you, mother, ever since I was depressed, probably, you stopped understanding me.

Your ways, what you mean, everything became too complicated for me. Like one day when you told me, that if you had died that day, we would have told everyone that you suddenly died of corona. So don't think about it ever again.

I did not understand, how did you think that would help me. I did not understand my sister either, who said, when doing such things, make sure you do it properly, if you get struck in between, you whole life would be over. I understood what she was saying was the truth, but I didn't understand is this what an elder sister says to her younger one, when she tries to commit.

I can not hate you. I think, I never can. But I can never understand you either. Maybe it was lack of communication on my side, I wonder if I should have told you everything, so you would stop thinking, that your stupid daughter tried something stupid, a stupid tantrum, after fighting with her mother.

But I know if I had told you, you would have genuinely wondered, what is there to be depressed about. I have so many things that others don't. Sometimes, I wonder that too. But only if you knew mother, only if you tried to know.