A question unasked

He was feeling too many things, that was his biggest problem currently. The inside of his stomach, for example. He believed he had never noticed the sensations from within there. Was it always twisting and tugging so much? And if so, how did so much get by without him getting an inkling? And he had to tell himself to breathe now and again. Breathing, which he was pretty sure he did all the time without a conscious reminder. He took a long, deep one now and resumed pacing the length of the terrace.

The pleasant view was sadly lost on him. He did not notice the flock of birds flying low, a few stragglers at the edges not keeping as much in tune as the others. They flew past, putting on quite a display. The lack of interest from their lone audience might have justifiably offended them. The many trees around were being ruffled by a slow breeze but he only registered it as the reason he felt uncomfortably chilly. That the slightly sedate sun was heading towards the west he seemed, however, very aware of, if only through constantly verifying the time every twenty seconds. With every consequent check, he seemed to become more agitated.

‘I will not go through this whole routine again. Today, this will end; one way or the other.’ He climbed down a little ahead of his original plan and reached a hall that was much too crowded for his liking.

He leaned on his good leg and let the sounds fill his mind. Things seemed to settle down just a bit. He started to watch the people now. He liked observing others, whenever he was tucked into an unobtrusive corner of the room, as he was now. His gaze fell on the jealous colleague.

‘Sure, he is close to the victor; he was probably the one who had arranged for this party in honour of the achievement. But he keeps looking away every time the winner started to brag. Which, it must be said, he is doing at an insanely insecure frequency. Oh, there he goes again.

That guy standing a little distant and drinking water in sudden, large gulps seems nervous. He reminds me in fact of myself a few minutes back.’

With that thought, he ceased to be distracted, the anxiety came rushing back. He rummaged around in his brain for something else to think about and settled on reliving the time he had first met her. It was a day appropriate for a long walk and the grounds looked splendid. He had hurried out to squeeze in a walk in his spare time. Strolling along one of his favourite paths, he spied upon one dark cloud a little away that threatened to give way. In spite of the inconvenience a shower will cause, he found himself wishing for it to happen. A hushed murmur came from up ahead. He frowned. As he went further ahead, he could distinguish it as a woman talking. Thanking his own knowledge of these paths, he ducked into a turn. From her voice getting clearer, he knew this path was running very close to the previous one. She was talking on the phone, he guessed, by the fact that pauses that were appropriate for a reply were instead filled by silence.

She seemed to be talking to a friend who was probably having relationship problems and she was not sugar coating her advice.

‘Oh, her friend is not going to like that. Nope, she wants sympathy. Or he. I am not making any assumptions. She is making sense and she sounds sincere though, I feel just a bit bad for her. Speaks well too, maybe there is a chance some of it will get through.’

There was a point when the shrubbery was sparse and he caught a glimpse of her face. Her fingers kept winding around the earphone’s wire. She was looking down and on her face, he thought he detected a bit of resignation mixed in with the conviction that she radiated when she was making a point.

‘So she knows that by saying these things, she is not doing herself a favour. Probably does this often, speaking sense when nobody else ventures it and making herself unpopular. Wouldn't be surprised if she often puts on a fake tough front when she is hurt and makes things even worse. Stupid.’

He stood there, watching her for a while and drawing up other aspects of her character when, with great surprise, he realised he was smiling. ‘Huh.’ She sat down suddenly and went out of view, swallowed by the shrubbery. Frustrated, he started to walk on, trying to glimpse her again when abruptly he reached the fork which joined the two paths. When the scene came into his view, it took a few seconds before he could make sense of it. She was cut off half sentence as the scruffy dog she seemed to be addressing gave a small woof, wagged her tail ferociously and bounded in through the bushes. She watched the dog with a sigh and muttered, ‘Probably worked better on you than any of my friends.’

It was then that she noticed him and he noticed that he had been openly looking at her all this time. His insides were screaming at him to smile but the loud hammering of his heart drowned everything else. She gave him a quick, amused smile and walked on.

‘What expression was on my face?’

The party was getting quieter and there were fewer people now. ‘Good, fewer is always good.’ He had always thought that the quality that was never going to let him perform well in romantic relationships was how cynical he was about people and love, but that had never been an issue with her. He had found a way to meet her soon afterwards, after finding that they shared a common friend. And he had liked her more and more, especially when she proved to be quite different from the predictions he’d preliminarily made that first time.

He liked how she got angry on behalf of everything around she felt was wrong. He liked how much she liked and how good she was at what she did. And he liked the way she walked, like how she was right now. She was coming in his direction, though it did not look like she had seen him. ‘Now she saw me. There is that smile! Alright, now I am going to go ask her to dinner, or something else or anything that she would like.’ They took seats. The place, till so recently loud for him, became extremely silent and he found himself unable to stop talking. She seemed oddly jumpy too, which did not help with his nervous babbling.

‘Why are they celebrating something nobody, except the guy who benefits by it, is happy about? This is going to accomplish three things: make that guy’s already substantial ego bigger, make others dislike him more and resent him more. That seems contradictory to... the stated purpose’ he trailed off as he realised she was not listening. She was looking down and where her hair was not hiding her face, he thought he detected a frown. His heart sank. He felt the courage he had gathered up slipping away as he saw her drawing doodles with the ring of condensed water her glass had left on the table. He sighed inwardly. ‘Today is not the day after all’.

Unlike his words, the silence caught her attention. She looked up and smiled apologetically. ‘Sorry. There is something that has been engaging most of my mind for a while.’ Not sure how he should respond, he followed her finger as it drew the water out to make a new shape. ‘I thought I noticed ... thought I picked up on something, about you, that is.’ Now he felt unable to look up. Had he been that obvious all along? Is that why she was unresponsive? Somewhere beneath the tension, he excitedly realised that he recognised the shape she was tracing. Finishing the heart with a flourish, she looked up at him; her eyes asking the question before her lips framed it. ‘Do you want to go out some time?’

He jumped up awkwardly. ‘Yes! Is now good?’ Her lovely smile returned back to it’s rightful place and he felt happiness. They had started walking outside without a particular destination but when they came near the grounds, towards it seemed to be the natural direction to take.

‘I planned on asking you out, just now.' he said. 'Honestly!', he added, upon seeing her disbelief, 'In fact I have been trying to muster up enough courage to do so for a while. I actually feel a little disappointed; you kind of stole my moment.’ She showed some fake outrage before assuring him she will make up for it. He wondered if he could hold her hand. All he needed to do was to reach out just a bit. It seemed like the right thing to do yet completely terrifying.

As he moved a branch to the side to clear her path, he remembered a question whose answer he had long wanted to know. ‘You remember the first time we met?' Her nod and smile set his heart fluttering. 'When you noticed I was there, was I smiling at you? I was trying very hard to but I am not sure I managed to pull it off.’ She laughed but remained silent.

A few steps later, they had reached the very spot. She stopped to face him, ‘You were grinning like an idiot.’ And as he took her hand and walked on, he was again.