Twin Peaks

“Oh, great! You’ve got boobs!” She exclaimed, as she stabbed her pointy index finger into my left breast.

I did not see that coming and the gesture took me aback. I was not sure whether to feel violated at the hands of the manager of an internationally branded apparel store, or to feel proud at the remark. I paused momentarily to gather myself together before saying anything.

“So, is that a good thing or a bad thing?” I asked, my voice wavering slightly, still being in the recovery process.

“Oh, that’s great, honey,” Sheila, the manager chirped, trying to poke my other breast as well. I did a Matrix to sway away from the incoming projectile! “You’re gonna be an instant crowd puller!”

That did not help my confusion. “Ummmm, so, this is good, how?”

“Sweetie, you’ll be in charge of the lingerie section here,” Sheila explained. “Now you wouldn’t want someone without boobs suggesting the overweight, middle aged woman what they should be buying. That’s just stupid! You, on the other hand, are perfect for both the boobless and the booby!”

I squirmed at the exaggerated use of the word ‘boob’ in its different forms. Nonetheless, as long as I did not have to deal with men or have any sales targets or anything, I was okay with it.

“I’m sorry sweetie, I didn’t get you,” Sheila said, interrupting my train of thought.

“Oh, nothing! I probably was thinking a little loudly!” I replied, sheepishly.

“So, what do you think?”

“Sign me up!” I replied emphatically. “I’ll do it!”

“Wonderful!” Sheila exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air rather exaggeratedly and slid a sheet of paper across the table. “Why don’t you sign here on this contract while I get you the t-shirt you would be wearing while on duty.”

“Great,” I said, beaming.

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It was two weeks before Christmas, a rather foggy Saturday, when I bumped into Katherine. It was as though the weather was apt for such a rendezvous, dreary and murky.

I was fidgeting and pulling the neck of my ridiculously tight t-shirt, to get some air to breathe when there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around only to see that the lady who had called me was lost in thought, staring at my torso.

I faked a cough. “Can I help you, Ma’am?”

No response. It seemed as though her eyes grew wider staring at my breasts. That’s right, woman! Take a good, hard look at my twins!

Her hands moved as though they were going to grab them. I stepped back a little. Do you want me to jump up and down a little and shake ‘em in your face?

“Ma’am?” I said again, waving my hands in her line of sight. Nothing budged! She was elderly, difficult to make out her age behind all that heavy makeup. She had jet black hair that fell over her shoulder. She wore an expensive looking long knee length black gown and wore long woolen gloves. But what got me all boiling was the animal skin she had draped over her shoulders.

“So, how many animals had to die for that?” I thought aloud.

“Say what?” the woman replied.

“Oh, nothing,” I replied, smiling. Finally! “I was just saying ‘hello’!”

“Oh, hello,” she said, trying to put on a smile. Terrible wrinkles formed at the corner of her lips and eyes! She smiled as though her skin was getting stretched to the hilt. It was hideous and I cringed. “I’m Katherine!”

“Hello, Katherine,” I said, not bothering to hide my anger at her brazen display of animal cruelty. “How can I help you?”

“Well, I’m looking for a bra. Not too fancy, yet beautiful,” she said.

“Well, Katherine, why don’t you follow me and take a look around.”

Katherine smiled and followed my lead. I took her to a little expensive corner of the lingerie section and fished out a few bras which were on display.

“How do you like these, Ma’am?” I asked, faking a smile.

“Yes…yes…these are nice…yes!” She mumbled, flipping through the stuff I had strewn out in front of her. She picked up a pink coloured designer bra and shoved it in front of my face rather emphatically. “I’ll have this one!”

Holding the smile on my face with a pseudo cello-tape, I took the piece of undergarment from her and inspected its size. “Ma’am, this is perhaps not your size. Do you have your size?”

Katherine scratched her head and stroked the tail of the dead animal on the neck. “No, I don’t, dear. Could you measure it for me please?”

Ten minutes later I informed her that she had a C-cup. She shook her head animatedly in disapproval. “No, I have a B-cup.”

“But, Ma’am,” I put in, “a B-cup would look ugly on you.”

“We shall see.” She grabbed my wrist and took me with her to the trial rooms. I gave her the size of the bra she was looking for. She dropped the gown, the fur and her handbag on the floor and stepped inside. Seeing the poor, helpless animal on the floor, I was half tempted to lock her in.

A minute later I heard the door unlatch. “Ta-da!” she cried and posed.

I was convinced I was going to die!

The sight I beheld was like an explosion of ‘gross’ in my head. Her bra was clearly too small and yet, she liked it! Her body parts were spilling all over the place and it looked like she would suffocate! “How do you like it?”

I was drawing circles on the floor with my toes staring at the dead fox. I smiled at the animal, this one’s for you, buddy! “Ma’am, you look wonderful,” I said, stretching my smile further. “Your husband wouldn’t be able to get his paws off you.”

“Oh stop it, sweetie,” she brushed me aside, putting her gown back on. “Screw my husband!” She posed in front of the mirror, assessing her breasts. “At least I look like you, now!”

“Ma’am,” I said, stunned. “You have no idea what I have to go through because of Saddam and Bin Laden!”

“Wow, you’ve even named them!”

What the hell is wrong with you? “Ma’am, note the names, please! Saddam and bin Laden! There’s a reason!”

“Nonesense!” Replied Katherine as she walked towards the bill desk.

I shook my head, unable to fathom what just happened.

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The clock had just struck four, an hour before the end of my shift, when I bumped into Anamika. Anamika was a simple looking girl with no fancy make-up on or extravagant clothes or anything of the sort. She walked up to me and smiled. I reciprocated with a genuinely warm smile.

“I’m looking for a regular wear bra,” she said.

“Are you sure you want a branded bra for regular wear? They can be pretty damn expensive,” I asked, trying to assess her needs.

“Yes, I do,” Anamika replied, blushing a little. “I have never really worn anything fancy or branded and I think I deserve a bit of pampering!”

“Of course!” I exclaimed, trying to get the sale underway. “A beautiful girl like you ought to be pampered!”

“Oh…please! Don’t say that!” Her cheeks grew redder and it appeared as though she was a little nervous.

I smiled, appeased at making a customer smile and blush. “I’m sure you know what size you wear.”

“Yes….I do…,” Anamika stammered. She seemed to be nervous about something.

“Is everything ok?” I asked, concerned.

Anamika was lost in thought. She was staring at me, but her mind was on a spaceship.

“Hey, why don’t you come with me and check out a few bras which you might like. I think you’re gonna enjoy this!” I said, trying to break her out of her trance.

“Huh? Yeah…sure…let’s go…,” she replied hesitantly and followed me.

I took her to a section of the store where there were reasonably priced designer underwear on display. I showed her a few of the fancy designs and Anamika seemed to have a tough time making her pick.

“These are all so beautiful,” she said. “I so wish I had breasts like yours!”

“Oh, no, you don’t!” I interrupted. “Trust me, you don’t!”

“You’re so beautiful,” Anamika went on, oblivious to my interruption. “You have flawless skin, a perfect bone structure and a figure to die for!”

“Ummmm, Anamika,” I said, carefully choosing the words I wanted to use. “Where…are you going with this?” I squinted at her through the corner of my eyes.

“Oh, no, nothing!” Animaka dismissed my thoughts with a wave of her hand. “How much is this piece?” She asked, picking up a navy blue lacy bra.

“That’s one-nine-nine-nine,” I replied after taking a look at the piece of lingerie. I looked up at the girl, but her eyes were transfixed on my face and she had yet again drifted away into one of her space odysseys! “Anamika…? Miss…? Hello….”

“Can I take you out for dinner sometime?” Anamika said, suddenly coming out of her reverie. “I just had a terrible break up. My partner…ummm, she chickened out of our five year relationship after some preposterous government policy stating what we were doing was illegal. I tried feeding some courage into her. I told her that I was gonna fight for what’s right. But no! She’d rather be a wuss!”

“Anamika….” I tried to say something without hurting her. Dammit! This is so hard. Why is all this shit happening to me!

“Can I give you my number?”

“Anamika, no!” I said softly, yet firmly. “I’m not gay, Anamika and I’m so sorry. If only there was something I could do.”

“No, it’s okay,” Anamika smiled, slightly embarrassed. “It was completely uncalled for, I know! Well, that’s not gonna stop me from buying what I came here to buy,” she said and bounced her way out of the store.

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A week into my work as a part time sales rep, I was already a mess. I guess having large breasts is a curse, a wretched bane! Damn, I could not even work in a lingerie store in peace! If only there was some cheap trick that I could pull off to reduce Messrs. Hussein and bin Laden! Much like the age old cartoons where all it needed was a little pin prick to blow off all that air that made a person look fat! Sigh!

Just as I was dozing off, I was rudely woken up by the sounds of sniggering from such close proximity that the hair on my nape stood up in full alert. There was a group of four boys in their late teens or early twenties who had crept up to me and were ogling the crap out of my twins! One of them was even pointing at them a little too close for comfort.

“Yes,” I said, gathering myself up. “How can I help you?”

The boys looked at each other sheepishly, swaying and waving, holding on to each other’s shoulders and collars to stand still. They were drunk.

This is exactly what I needed!

“We need…I mean, I need…a bra…for me girlfriend,” one of the boys slurred.

I glared at him, unsure whether to laugh my ass off or holler at him. “Okay…” I replied, suspiciously. “What kind of bra are you looking for?”

“What do you mean ‘what kind of bra are you looking for?’?” The boy frowned and leaned so dangerously forward that I was sure he was going to topple over. I guess they make a strong collar on shirts for that is probably what saved him! “A bra…is a bra…. is a bra, right?” he said nodding at his buddies.

“Yes...yes…a bra is a bra!” The rest replied in unison.

I closed my eyes and shook my head in shame. “I mean, do you want something fancy or something for regular wear?”

“Gee, lady, do I look like me girlfriend?!” The boy exclaimed, exaggeratedly rolling his eyes. Looking at his buddies and squinting he said, “do I?”

“Hell no, man!” Everyone chorused.

I sighed in disdain. “So what do you want for your girlfriend?”

“Why don’t you show us around and we’ll see,” the boy said, his eyes transfixed on my breasts.

The other boys were at least making some effort to pretend to look around while sneaking glimpses at my boobs while this smart-ass made no effort to conceal his intentions! “Very well then, come with me.”

The boys were all over the store, clearly lost. They did not have the slightest inkling of what had to be done. Sheila, the manager, eyed the proceedings from a distance and texted me asking me if I needed any help. I didn’t! I wanted to handle this! I’ve handled drunken boys before! Been doing so all my life! Finally, our man staggered towards me holding a really sexy looking piece. Let the show begin!

“I’ll have this one,” he snorted, holding up the bra.

“Okay, may I know what size your girlfriend wears?” I asked, looking around for his other buddies. I smiled slightly when I saw that they were scattered in different corners of the store giggling away, unaware of a few security guards hovering close by keeping a close eye on them.

“Yeah,” the boy replied. “This big!” He said, raising his palm up and cupping it as if to show me her breast size.

It was torturous holding back a laugh which was threatening to explode from within me. I had tears welling up as I coughed my laugh back in. “Buddy, I’m gonna need more than ‘this big’,” I said, duplicating his palm-gesture.

“Her b...b…boobs…I mean…t…titties…I mean…b...breasts are…,” he was losing it! Suddenly looked at my breasts and tittered. “Me girlfriend’s half of yours!”

“What?” I cried!

“Yes, yes,” the boy walked towards me ominously, still holding his palm in a cup. “She’s half your size.”

I stepped back slowly, eyeing his palm so closely that I did not notice the other boys join him and advance towards me.

“I…got…to feel you to be s…sure,” he slurred.

I paled as the blood on my face drained. I felt a new kind of throbbing in my temples and I was sure I could not feel my feet anymore as I crept further back! “Step back,” I croaked.

“No..no…we ain’t leaving,” he said.

I had, by now hit a wall. Shit, this is it! The boys were at an arm’s length from me when I cringed, closed my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest. “Stay back,” I tried to say, but I don’t think the words left my throat.

I don’t remember how long had passed as I waited for the inevitable grope, but it never came.

“It’s okay, ma’am!” came a booming voice. I strained my eyes open to see the friendly, yet strong face of one of the security officers.

“Huh?” I was confused.

“We’ve handled the drunks, ma’am,” the officer replied. “You’re safe.”

“Why..th...thank you,” I exhaled heavily and flung my arms around him and held him tightly. Oh God!

“Uh..okay Ma’am. Just doing my job,” the hapless officer said, embarrassed. “It’s okay!” He tried to wriggle free, but I held on.

I waited till the moment passed and till I was convinced that I was not going to pass out before I let go.