Aaradhya Kashyap

Finally the day had come. One which I dreamed of ever since I hit puberty. No, it’s not my first night. I’m not a sex hungry bastard, thank you.

I’m in the hospital, pacing around with a tingling feeling in my palms. The grandly lit corridor was empty, and so were the seats. But I just could not sit! The digital calendar on the reception desk read ‘August 14th'. It is the day of my life. Cause yes, it's the day when I finally would become a Father! :’)

I couldn’t believe this was happening. OUR creation. I was a part in creating a life! Wasn’t I overwhelmed!

“Mr. Yogesh, she needs you, now” the nurse in white said, bringing me back to the present. As I entered the operation theatre, I had a feeling that life would change forever! The operation had already begun, the nurse told me, adding that it was not going well.

Then, I saw her.

My knees buckled as I witnessed her condition. Flanked by two stands which held all the medical equipments, my darling lay on the bed, draped in blue overalls, looking like she had been stabbed right through her body. As I walked over to her, I could see with my own eyes the toll that the pre-delivery pains had taken on her. Her hair was scattered messily. Her face was devoid of any colour. Her lips were parched, the dark circles around her eyes had become darker and beads of sweat covered her entire body. Her movements were tense.

Gently, I enveloped her left hand with both of mine. Her half shut eyes showed a flicker of movement. Her neck moved a bit as she tried to identify the source of the touch. As I caressed her smooth hand, she saw me. The smile that followed, was just heaven-like to my eyes. I leaned over, and kissed her on the forehead. Still caressing her palm, I whispered into her ears, “I love you Chinnu, I’m with you in this”.

As if in a response, she took a deep breath and dug her her nails into my palms, transferring all her pain and anxiety into me. I cherished it, for we were doing this together.

If Horrendous is the superlative of Horrible, then yes it was Horrendous. I'd never seen her in so much pain. I had once promised that I'd let no one hurt her. Ever. Yet here I was .. helplessly staring as agony filled the room.

Once or twice, when I took my eyes of her face, I saw 4 or 5 doctors bustling about in the room, giving instructions to each other, and to my wife.

And then somebody shouted, “I can see the head!” The atmosphere in the room intensified. Her screams pierced through my ears, as she repeatedly asked me to somehow stop the pain. She kept shouting my name. I didn’t know what to do. I just clutched her fingers and prayed. Her puffy tear stained eyes were .. unbearable. Yet she carried on. She knew what was at stake.

And then..

Yes. It was the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. The cry of my beautiful baby child.

As she first emerged, so emerged my tears. As she took her first breath, I looked on. ‘It’s a girl’, the nurse announced, as she cut the umbilical cord and wrapped a cloth around the baby.

And then.. She came to me. My dream. My darling. My beloved. In my arms. Her barely open eyes looked at mine for assurance.. and in that split second, a bond was forged deep in our hearts.. A bond that would never break. It felt like everything was perfect. It felt like I was meant to be here, like all of this was delicately set up for the beginning of something so beautiful!

And now for her mother to meet her flower. I turned around with satisfaction, with joy, with hope, as a sort of radiance emanated from my face..

Her face lay motionless. Her eyes were staring up aimlessly. A strange calmness had gripped her body.

And her neck fell towards the side.

For a moment.. Heart stopped beating. No sounds. Hollow vacuum. Staring at my daughter crying.. yet no sound. Something had left me that very moment. Something.. had left me naked. Naked.

She was Dead.

The nurse took my daughter from my hands. I leant closer to my wife. I touched her hands. The same hands which had always given me warmth. Her hands had turned ice cold.

Her lips. The very same lips that had on so many occasions held mine. Her lips had turned rigid.

Her eyes. The same ones which held her love for me. The same ones which had shed tears when I had cried. I hugged her dearly, for I felt myself dying without her. The nurses tried pulling me away. But I held on dearly to her. She was mine. She cannot be taken away. Yet.. yet she was already gone.

Everything had collapsed around me.

It’s been 15 long years now, yet every moment, every emotion and every detail of that day has stayed with me.

It seems like yesterday, when I came home that day with my daughter. Empty bedrooms greeted me. I had to see unwashed designer clothes, her new ‘Louis Vuitton’ bag hung unused on the wall, and her favourite picture of ours – me hugging her on the beach with the sun setting in the background – framed on the wall. I opened her cupboard to see scattered black bangles, white-blue hair bands, opened mascara, and a half eaten chocolate, all reflecting her happy-go-lucky carefree lifestyle. I took the chocolate. It still had her fragrance in it. Her flavour in it.

I saw the kitchen, remembering everything that we used to cook together in there.

I saw the balcony, remembering all the discussions we had had there over the coffee.

I saw the empty black couch in the living, remembering all the times I’d spent lying on her lap, playing with her hair..

Like I could forget her.

If not for my angel, I would have poisoned myself.

But fifteen years down the lane, I’m proud of myself. My darling is a pretty princess now. Mind you, she's a stubborn confident lady. Like a typical Leo, she’s intense and passionate, not to forget her strength and elegance.

She's got her Mother's eyes, which sparkle when I’m around. Just like how her mother's did.

She's got her Mother’s smile, seeing which my troubles go trouble themselves. Just like how her mother's made my day.

But the best part, she's got a love. A perverted talented rascal. Who oddly resembles - Me.

He stares at her like how I used to stare at her mom. He protects her like how I used to protect her mom. He gets possessive so easily with her like how I used to with her mom. He hugs her with all his warmth, just like how I used to with her mom.

Looking at them makes me feel like a happy man.

So happy that I’m glad that I did not give up.

I’m glad my daughter has always had love in her life.

I’m glad she tells me that her father is her hero.

There are two things which I’ve never failed to do since 16 years.

One, to kiss my daughter at the end of every single day, and letting her know how much she means to her father.

Two, to go to my room, open the second drawer of the cupboard on the left, open the red heart-shaped box, remove the keychain inside it, take it to the balcony and look at it every day. I still remember how happy I was when I first saw it. My wife had given it to me on August 14th, the day we got engaged. I look into the tube-shaped keychain and observe the tiny rice grain floating inside it. It has two names written on it.

“Aaradhya
Yogesh”

I look at every little detail of her name, and observe how there’s a small heart above the letter “Y” . I then hold the keychain close to my heart, look up into the sky, stare at the pole star, and admire it.

I come back to my bedroom, seal the keychain inside, close everything, lie on my bed, remove my mobile, plug-in my headphones, unlock the phone with the pattern ‘A’ , go to ‘Music’ , scroll down to ‘M’ , play the song “Mirrors” , and close my eyes.

As the song comes to an end, the lines “You are, you are the love of my life..” resonate in my mind, drowning out every other thing, except one.

Her name. “Aaradhya Kashyap”.

Life might have been cruel, but I’m glad I never gave up hope. It’s love that made my daughter. It’s love that sustains life.

She died.

But her love lived on.