MDMA My Defining Moment Ahead

It was all a hazy, smoky memory like the one’s you have at the end of a drunken night. One night I was in the chimney, gazing at the world outside contemplating on the slow boredom and the snail paced speed at which each second passes, while life deceitly drags us to the inevitable. It still seemed far off, but death has the most defining element of attack, with which it wins its menial and commonplace battle with mortals every day, surprise.

‘This city is killing me. I need to get out’ said shiv, sitting in the blue darkness of the room while the silken strands of marijuana smoke were engulfing him like an amorphous animal and he offered no resistance. I seconded him and within the rays of the next morning sun, with the help of a little endurance and quite some strong spirits, the clearest memory I will ever have of a sunrise was rewarded to me.

When the sun broke over the comatose sky the next morning, it had a guest. It was me. And I was not in the vexing cubicle of madness of the city I left behind, but in the deep blue Arabian sea, which with its salt and its graceless energy combed waves and waves of water into my sleepy, red and teary eyes till they were numbed. Taking the night bus, we both had landed in Goa under the shade of a chilly night, above which hung the frozen full moon, lonely and beautiful, looking for love and companionship it seemed. The sun of the world would be out of his fiery hutting soon enough. And with ironclad intentions to chill the fuck out we proceeded to Anjuna, the place where the mystics, the hippies, the fun loving, the lovers , the bruised, shattered and incensed ones, the wanted and the unwanted of the world came together and create with their own wills and whims, a melting pot of pure, crystalline fun, a beach of heavens where the angels come and dance with you and swim out with you into the everlasting sea, a mass of land where no rules are followed because there is need for none, as it is here that mortals realize that there is nothing more soulful than peace, harmony and kinship.

So began the morning with us greeting the sun and the sea with our naked bodies doused in sand and having ordered our first of the many beers of the day to come. Shiv said to me as he was drying himself ‘we need to get our hands on some drugs, bro. didn’t come all this way for nothing rite.’ Still drawn to the mindless water plays of the sea, I nodded still looking at the horizon, like a child searching for clues in a painting. Decidedly we were going to do drugs, this was the age and this was the place, and to say no here, is to leave behind the nearest door to naked salvation of mind and the reckless vulgarities of the body. Time passes very quickly when you are in that beach, and you need all the intoxication on your side to lease the fleeing time by its neck and slow it down. Every second counts, as its your segue to oblivion. With that in mind beer cans were opened, Rizal’s were licked, reefer’s were sparked and we were joined by the other passengers who were here, who embraced this world as their home, until we were in the bar by the end of the beach. The bar at the beach end has an opulent finesse of its own. It was jammed with big hefty white men with monstrous dreadlocks, smelly hippies, a gang of men playing poker and a thousand strobe lights that had a million eyes. ‘They will be fun at night’, I thought. Shiv asked around for illicit information, and we found it at the shady corner, where sat the vile looking guy who was smoking a fag. He seemed unapproachable, but before we could realize he was onto us. ‘You guys looking for something.’ And he had that wicked twinkle in his bloodshot eyes and that devious smile and that shredded texture of soul which is found only in the men who give away medicines of self actualization to people who were for looking for all the dreadful answers, to all the questions which haunted them. ‘What can you offer us?’ I asked. ‘ everything under the sun.’ he said with a confident demeanor and as if by synchronicity of mindwaves, which connected similar thoughts of emotive humans, we all realized that we were in agreement and the sun at high noon, smiled upon everyone as invincible as ever. And the two of us sat beneath the thatched roofs of the bar at the end of the beach and let the world around us, suck us into a vortex of wanton fun, audacious debauchery, saintly bliss and essential enlightenment of’ mind.

And without disappointment or pain, we were sucked in. as the day proceeded we were joined by people of all ages, drunken and glee, far from the life sucking grimness and the sheer unneccessity of their worthless lives, just like us. Whilst many events one that stood out starkly was the sheer ebullience of Gloria, a thin girl with devious eyes from Berlin. Her eyes had something about them, the glow in them was mischievous, of the sexual kind or not I didn’t know straight away, but I sparked a conversation and a thin joint with her. ‘so what brings you so far from home, Glo…??’ I started but she stopped me with her index finger of her weathered and fragile right hand, on my lips. ‘ you don’t talk, you enjoy the silence. Silence is what I’m searching for, because I’ve had to many question threw at me in Berlin. So I came here.” With that I decided to keep mum and enjoy the gift of silence. Maybe she is right, maybe silence is golden. Most of the problems and quandaries in life arise from misinterpretation of mindless over communication, I have observed. She was a Black keys fan incidentally, so that augmented our shared need for silence, as we sat in the bar by the end of the beach listening to Dan Auerbach sing Ohio, and unknown to us itself we were dancing to the tune of it as the salty winds wafted her golden blonde hair and we swayed together like in a drunken stupor. Fresh love, and appreciation of small patches of unrefrained happiness with an unknown acquaintance can do wonders to life.

Evenings withhold the most aural parts of a day, the slow sleazy time when the sun takes off for the day and darkness spills over like its twin yet symmetrically opposite Siamese brother. And it was the evening which bought into our craving hands of derelictness the sundae of chemicals which in common parlance is whispered in hushed tones as MDMA, magical dimensions of mind alteration. That of course is made up. But the fun is, was and never will be made up, it will be lived upto and exploited till the last juice of energy dissipates from our walking corpes’ called bodies and we shall pass onto the temporary death of sleep. But sleep is a long away now, since we got our stash from the sketchy man from the beach, who took his more than modicum price for exchanging with us with powdery crystallized grains of ecstasy. This is the start, this is alcohol in my hand, this is time zero, where nothing was behind and the unknown nothing pervades ahead, looming and teasing us to step In and wander, so we did.

After crushing the crystals under a napkin, white under an ashtray till it was about to crumple, me and shiv had in our possession the sweetest white powder and we decided doggedly to put our nose in. central nervous system, clean waiting to go and the head dips onto the table and it disappears into the rolled note of depravity. Boom!! an explosion in static, atmospheric time, its a fire, it’s a blast from all the mysterious workings of the molecules, which are subsuming into my body with fasting speed, the chemical acrid drip down my nose into my throat and like a electronic shock to a dummy I fell back into my chair. It was energy, pure blissful, and everlasting lucidity of mind and body. Incorporated into the blankness that was my body less than a minute back, is running, gushing, a carnival of heartbeats as it rapidly increases with the chemical intake. My hearts going beserk, pulsating blood into every inch of my not so thin mirth, it’s spazzing, its beating, its alive, alive as it had ever been in the nineteen years of my birth. And soon after the doomed desperation of my troubled mind, about the consequences of this violation, me and Shiv were smiling, happy and hale and without a care in th world, swaying ourselves to the happiness induced by the powder. Soon enough we wanted more and more, and with a span of half an hour, we both snorted eleven lines each of MDMA.

The next eight hours, In the words of Shiv,``I am the master of the universe, the universe revolves around my feet and I can squish it at my will. I’m tranced out of my bloody mind, I’m in a sphere of glass, I’m glass, mouldable and transparent. I hide no secrets, since I need none because all is forgiven and none is forsaken. In my troubled mind, my mind flowers and rains quanta’s of knowledge and curious observation. And I’m overcome by unquellable obsession and cogent, irreplenishable desire. Desire for the opposite sex. Desire beyond the furthest rails of imagination and if fulfilled shall take me into the seabed of nirvana. I can hear voices, but they aren’t voices they are slowed sound waves, restrained and smoky. Marijuana is a lifesaver. Baroque silence echoes in my mind, calmed further by the love and music of the night sea, my entire existence is a circle of events, whose loci is the epicenter of my mind. My partner was a reflection of mine. The sea and the waves were a reflection of mine, all in different forms and wavefronts.the universe was a reflection of mine, my mind because I viewed the world now against the yardstick of my inner self and my inner self was calm and at total peace. If I’m at peace with my existence, the world appeared just wow! If I’m free it is here, it’s now and freedom has never been or felt so nearer.’’

Me, I am a guy who doesn’t talk much, for me it was ornate journey of any high’s, where everything was perfect and beautiful, even if it was plain and simple like the sea lapping on your feet, was the only thing you’d want forever and the world did blossom up and became complete and at peace. It was a contend strata of time span, contend with what you are, were and will be and those are the moment’s when doesn’t feel like a cripple, it’s just that simple. And you are wisdomed, you feel smart and rampant, you feel perfect. And the time’s won’t last, but you try your best to reproduce what you felt then, in every second of your life you’ll be condemned to live ahead.

We were bathed in salt, wind and streaming white moonlight, the best sighted against that velvety blue sky of a beach night. I’m fascinated with nights. And throughout the night we smoked and drank and sat by our little dugout on the beach. We wished and whiled the winsome night away to the first needle work sunshine against a sky of much paler, yet majestic, less stormy shade of blue and it’s was glorious. Within a short span of 24 hours, we were gifted on a silver platter, front row seats viewing to the astonishingly beautiful plays of nature, sunrises to die for. And with that, with yellow golden arrows of first light battering our tired eyelids, we slipped slowly into a siesta of the senses.

Oh we’ll be fine; we have an evening bus to catch. A moribund, morally morbid city awaits us.