Intercourse over Coffee

I am going to sleep. I keep trying to sleep but in vain. I wake up, walk up to the kitchen, brew a little Arabica, come to my desk and sit. My boyfriend/sex buddy/to be husband (and I am really confused as to who he is to me), left an hour ago. Two great orgasms and hours of no talking. Anyway, this is not about love or lust. Its more about what defines me. But is there a definition for everything? No, I think. My attributes can be elucidated all the more. Life, such an enigma. A very beautiful one. The only concept perhaps, which is left to the subjective interpretation of the human mind. Human mind, each one being different, and yet governed by the 'same'.

I live alone in a 2BK apartment in south Delhi. This is certainly not where I wanted to end up when I gained some of my own reason and intellect. When one starts to attain conscience of matter i.e. tends to understand what is the governing principle of the events around her, it starts threatening her existence. I wanted to be a cop when I grew up. And then I wanted to be a wrestling ring announcer. And then I wanted to be a criminologist and then a journalist and finally a researcher. Oh Lord! Bless your world! Are you on a vacation in some other galaxy? Who knows! Anyway, who knows you exist or not. Does anyone care? Moolah is the anti-God (at least in theory), which also makes it the only God known to man.

The seven stages of life, alas, is the only reality known to man/woman. One is selfish in the adolescence, scrounging the remnants of her childhood for a little freedom and space. I did the same. Where did I land up? Making love to many men, not loving even one. That was freedom, I thought then. What kind of freedom? Freedom to devastate my own life. Ah ha! And then one day consciousness dawns upon and one realises this is not freedom! In a world where being free is the means and end and the base, no one is free. Power governs. Dominance governs. Money Governs. And perhaps rightly so the saying, "if you don't change, life will change you but not on your terms".

Here comes the immortal choice between good and evil. And then we are taught to believe in they grey. I realised it early, perhaps. So never believed in grey. Is there a grey in a world where money is the mascot of life? And then suddenly the bigger questions start dwelling in the mind. We are born. We grow up. We love. We marry. We work. We breed. We get old. We die. The harsh reality. Some rule, some are the ruled. There is malaise in every heart. A dark side owned by the devil, the bad, willingly submitted by the man to him so as to attain happiness. Happy is the person who lives by ethics. That is a cool definition. Socrates said the same, in another arrangement of words. I am as intelligent as Socrates!

The coffee brewed by the Indian government is nice. I need to buy more.

I have fallen in love with five men until now. All serious affairs, like water for chocolate. Who knows what this thing called love is? Love is a slave to the perspectives of different human brains. I think the person who does not know what love is, knows what love is. You go by instinct, but instinct is not adverstised as a manner of discovering love. Love is temptation (the chocolate brand), love is fair complexion (to be attained by cosmetics), love is muscles (to be attained by protein shakes and jockey), love making is flavours (I leave this to the interpretation of the reader), Love is fragrance (to be bought at Victoria's secret). Cupid, do I confuse you? I am not looking for any of these actually. I just need a simple, intellectual (not intelligent), caring, independent, passionate, flexible guy. And love is not life. Love is a part of life.

The balance of different attributes on earth is striking. To every thesis, there is an anti-theses. The big bang must have had a brain of its own. The yin and yang balance; isn't creation a bliss? I wonder if this balance is indispensable. If the socialists had their way, they would eliminate all the capitalists and establish an equitable distribution of luxury amongst people. Too good to be true fallacy! What would be there to struggle with then? Nature, maybe? I came across this fact when I started dating a communist. The relationship was a disaster but not the things I learnt from it. I guess this is why I want to be a researcher, to figure out if the current governance logistics are correct. But researching does not pay for Lamborghini or chamber or Macs or condos. On second thoughts, I will still do it.

Oh, my coffee is finished. I need a refill.

I go to the kitchen, refill, and on my way to my desk look at my own collection of cosmetics. Oh, wish this world did not require painting the body. And suddenly my adrenaline shoots up, I feel angry. But hey, I have an statement of purpose to write. So I come back to my desk. Is there anything I can do? Oh yeah, I can go to south georgia with a guy who feels like escaping and live there for the rest of my life. But I am not an escapist. Mind, GET BACK TO WORK.

What is the final end of life? To die? Are we all born to die? Some optimists would bash me and say the goal of life is to contribute to the society. Let me add some more words to this definition: Goal of life is to contribute to the society so that someone can go against you, destroy your work for his/her own financial gain. Financial gain is inversely proportional to good work. And here comes the notorious dilemma of the difference between good and bad. Well I say, Rationality and logic is good, rest is bad. The grey is bad.

My schooling conditioned me to believe in hierarchy. My belief was destroyed when I unravelled the mystical ways in which our school teachers were appointed. The corporate contact culture. Sycophancy rules! So hierarchy may be a way but its the wrong one. I joined a prestigious college of University of Delhi to my bachelors in mass communication. I was taught earning and ethical journalism should be the manner of mass communication. Psychology and sociology is to deal with the intra-personal and inter-personal kind of communications. Earning and ethical journalism, paradoxical. I refused to accept this. I took up a part time job, got apprehended for it (it was prohibited by the 'rules' of the course), my examination hall ticket with-held, the contract of the teacher who tried to help me suspended, and cherry on the cake: the course coordinator called me a 'black sheep'. I wonder if she was sex deprived or constipated? Anyway, if this is how mass communication is done, in a room, its not my teacup. I quit it.

I quit it to take up political science in another well known college of the university; well-known not well-run. Some optimists would again take the trouble to bash me saying "everything has faults". I ask them, dude, you have been on the scene for years, you knew there are faults, you did nothing to correct them, so you are fools. I have ideas, do you have the courage to accept them? Ah! nay, they did not. Academicians are divorced from reality. After all their egos are massaged every second. They are innocent parrots who believe world is hunky dory and sing the same song every year. If a lion comes in, tries to change the song, they whine and cry. The new song is better. I hope they are able to learn to sing it perfectly.

Life is beautiful, ain't it? I fought with life. She won. And she showered on me the gift of her priceless friendship. Now we are friends. And everyday she introduces me to a new corpse walking, eating, breeding, pretending to live.

Oi! its 2:00 am. Got to go to sleep. I had a long day. Tired. Good night!