SILENCE..!

I was flipping through the pillow to be on the dry side, but couldn’t find one. Anyhow the pain had flown away with the water and would be dried away in few more minutes. It has to be, its natural, universal, or I pray it should. Amidst all these turbulence my mind is silently surrendered to the dreams, waiting since long. I too get enchanted by the dreams, such that the thought of making them happen, keeps me from not having dreams watched in dreams. I wake up 10 minutes earlier. I look outside, and see the sun rising, both literally and metaphorically. I see myself, and smile. I bath. I dress . I decorate. I wait. I was occupied, the legs were comforting, hands holding, and eyes waiting, endless waiting. The phone beeped, I rejoiced. For a second, I wanted to cherish the moment as if I had got the call, the long awaited one, to pause my life for sometime, to glue my organs, to go back to those dreamy dreams. Yes, I did answer, i didn’t let more water block my senses. I said the archetypal formal ‘hello’, to sound in control. He, too was in control, but he thwarted my dreams, he said ‘NO’… now what?

It took time to regain the lost composure, and hold back the water. I thought it to be my last night here, but if only the thoughts could really melt out in reality. So, yes he cut the phone, and my ' happy anniversary' was left unsaid as well as unheard.. It’s been exactly two years now, that we have been married. That beautiful, boisterous, benevolent day when we tied our knots together and vowed never to open it again. The morning glistening with beautiful rays of sunshine, showering upon me happiness and joy. The whole busy day of walking to and fro, vising innumerable people, and relentlessly waiting for him till the evening. There he comes, traditionally dressed, riding on the horse, like the Prince Charming, except that the horse was not white. Descending down the memory lane and reliving these memories is always enchanting. My marriage was postponed for two months, as the stars were not right. The stars had to be right and the horoscopes perfectly matched. And the perfect matching of our horoscopes had to be the harbinger of peace and love. My family was happy, and my parents the happiest to get such a modern groom working in the grandest MNC and earning in seven figures. I really wish if omens could go right and my horoscopes saved my marriage. But it didn’t.

It was an arrange marriage, arranged by esteemed elders, parents, aunts, uncles , priests, omens, stars, and horoscopes. I know I am repeating these thoughts, but my senses and mind failed to understand what my eyes perceived. Maybe it’s all wrong, predestination always win, no matter how strong your free will is. My marriage didn't last, the faith, love all vanished away. This is all I know.! But its easier now to have a issue to put the blame on. Perhaps, the horoscopes were not real, as I was but genuine.

The first four months of our marriage were very peaceful yet happy. We dreamed and dreamed. We dreamed of the house, the car, the trees, the flowers, the food, the clothes, the sun, the moon, and the stars. We weaved a cobweb of happiness, but somewhere he entrapped me inside and freed himself to go away, like a caged bird, relentlessly waiting for the freedom. And hence, now he is free and I, still searching for ways to move ahead. Him being an ambitious person, and a loving husband had to go away to Mumbai, at the end of our dreamy four months. I being more happy than him, let him free with confident eyes and strong heart, awaiting his return carrying bigger dreams. His two month project extended to four months then to an year, and then to another six months.

With this time extension, the dreams too got extended yet divergent. He had learnt to start dreaming alone. But I, sometimes wonder what was it that let him dream alone? What was it that made him be alone? What was it that compelled him to write a letter, lying on the table, uncovered, the only I received in the past two years, which instead of carrying the warmth of love, is but carrying the coldness of separation, formally known as divorce.

After he had gone away, the routine has become much more simpler. Get up in the morning, call him and ask about his health, life and homecoming. The answer is always 'no', 'not yet', 'later'. Then do some work, go through the wedding pictures and relive those captured memories. Making a last try in the evening to convince him to come home, all in vain. Today, was the day when he had promised to come back, the day filled with hope and wait. I thought last night to be the last night, but it really was not.

That’s it, I am not going to suffer more, neither am I going to sign those papers. I will go to Mumbai. I took the next train to Mumbai and landed at the station filled with hope.

‘Auto’, ‘Auto’ ‘Auto’, bhaiya e-23, Andheri east. I felt as if the gutter lanes, women sweeping, street children all echoed my situation. I reached at the building. It was exactly the way he had described me, high walls, latest technologies and his cabin. I went to his cabin and asked about him. “ He is dead", “He is dead ”.“NO” ,“NO”, its not possible, its not at all possible, someone please listen to me, I had talked to him yesterday morning, its not at all possible.

“Nurse”, “Nurse”, see she is again getting those attacks , please child, go and call the nurse. “Nurse” .Oh god!, her condition is getting miserable day by day. Please get me an injection. The moment she gave me an injection, I fall asleep, again. “If this remains the case, then in no time her schizophrenia will completely overtake her. Her hallucinations are getting more intense, and her behavior more paranoid and bizarre. Her delusion of being married and loosing her husband is taking a toll over her mind and body. She is just 16, not even married but her delusions and hallucinations are slowly destroying her. I request you to take her to United States, or visit some better Specialist for her own wellbeing and future”.