As the blanket of stars drape the falling dusky sun, a subtle breeze of accomplishment marking the end of the day caressed my cheeks. A washout of final rays of colors streaking through the canvas of approaching darkness, reminded me of blossoming petals amidst the creaks of cold, dead wall.
With the hustling day of patient reviews and meetings come to an end, I smiled away as my most awaited moment of the day, my daily journey back home approached . It was a journey I usually had numerous times, the favorite moment of my day. Yes, that is absolutely right. Home for me was a pair of eyes, engulfing deep, dimpled smile and a beating heart, a person my heart belongs to now and always. The person who beautifully completed me.
Can you remember how it all happened? Strolling down time tunnel , it all begun with a handshake and silly glares exchanged between each other at the doorstep of the office. The stepping stones that lay the foundation of this friendship were engraved by teases and childish quarrels, scribbled by classes and training sessions, made a little colorful by sneak outs and group chats.
It was by a twirl of moment when I realized that our playful friendship had turned into a magical bond. A bond that connected us thousands of miles apart. Intertwining souls at depths beyond imagination of human minds, we were left speechless at many points when we synced with each other without the requirement of verbal and physical expression. A bond that tied us together, only pushing each other the extra mile to make sure the other is happy always. A never ending passion and devotion that made you the start and the end of my every dawn and dusk.
Often did I ponder in my thoughts… Who are you? What took you so long to find me?...
How could a stranger mean so much and how does he read me so well? We had no blood bond or previous years of acquaintance. It was a small spark, that torched us and engulfed us both in its surreal flame.
This strange feeling, that began to amalgamate my very existence. It resembles a maestro playing in my soul, orchestrated by surging adrenaline and happiness , strung with the musical cords of explosive emotion and passion. Little did I know then, that this was how the magic of love unfolds. It took me awhile to realize that I was going through my own fairytale. You were the key that unlocked my hidden treasure grove of love. We would share everything and there was never an end. Sharing the same field of profession, made things less complicated and easier ability to understand one another’s routine as well.
Days and moments flew by, amounting to weeks and months, with each and everyone of them imprinted by your mark. Just the thought of you and you never failed to carve a smile on my face, by the near instantaneous appearance of your name and face appearing on my screen as an incoming call. The sense of belonging and love was too overwhelming to be encompassed by a sane human mind. I was already yours, without uttering of la single word. You completed me beyond words. I was a child, a woman, a daughter , a wife, a mother , a confidante , a foe , every single explosion of emotion and character I get to potray everytime I am with you.
Despite priding about the “once in a lifetime” kind of love that I was blessed with, I also came to face with reality that I was that girl who was never meant for happy endings. I had been scarred at many points in life being left and departed by demises and departures of true loved ones. This was another scar of valor, yet a deep one. Although we loved each other truly, but we both knew that you will never be mine. I was just that a bit too late before you said “yes” to her. Just that quite delayed, I had to stay within the horizon amalgamating between love and friendship.
You pushed me away, like how the gentle winds blew away innocent dandelion seeds in the hope of its blossoming elsewhere. You pushed me far away, not because you did not share the same feelings I did, but only because you loved me so much more that you began to believe I deserved so much more. You wanted me to soar higher and live a dream of love, u believed I was rightful of. You were so blinded in the effort of pushing me away to your version of “ideal” happiness, forgetting that you were my actual epitome of joy and peace.
I refused and denied myself of everything you said silently, agreeing to be cast away as you wished. Within the depths of my heart, I was already yours and shall always be. I loved you for who you were yesterday, for who you are today and for whoever you may grow to be tomorrow.
In my silence, I continued to make my own dedication to you. I wished I was the one you woke up to every morning, the pillar who stood by you when you are both up and down, the safe haven and hideout spot each time you want to confide and pour all heart’s burden out. I want to be your everything and your nothing at the same time. I yearned for simple happiness, moments I get to cook and feed you homemade dishes, our slow coffee talks while being slouched together on the couch sipping on your hot sugarless coffee and my sugary tea. I pray to be able to tend to you when you are sick, long make outs over tiny squabbles with tiny packages of suprises and ever growing happiness that will keep us woven together. I long to see us both grey together, stipples of salt and pepper scattered over the youthfulness we own today.
Despite all these longings and a never ending bucket list of you, all I actually wish is for you to be happy always. I wish you all the love and magic, success and triumph that will keep u soaring high in the skies. Even if it hurts me to watch you go, I will be at peace that you are doing great out there.
Don’t you worry about me. I know how it is like to be left behind and to tend to my own wounds. I may struggle but I will always find my way out. I will cry myself to bed, soft sobs and streams of wet pearls lullabying me to sleep. I need them to washout the angst of needing to let you go, to replenish the courage of accepting my absence of being a part of your life. It will rip a part of my soul, when I watch you hold another pair of hands and walk down the aisle, but nevertheless would I compose myself that you are happy and joyful. I know I bravely agreed to accept any future circumstances just to be blessed by the joy of loving you, but damn I never knew it will shatter me so much. It hurts a lot, but I will grow stronger and only emerge out loving you deeper and harder.
No matter where life takes us, I promise you to be always there for you, continuing to love you in the shadows silently. I may not be able to claim over rightfulness to get things done for you, but I have always got your back based on the friendship that brought us together in the first place. I wished for many what ifs and why can it or not be, but I have finally come to understand that what is meant to be will always be. I have come to accept that people fall in love with each other in mysterious ways , destiny brings one to another. I would live with the memories and the beautiful love you had given me. I just hope if there is any truth to reincarnations and rebirths, I wish to be born me and love you just the same and complete the entire bucket list together. An intrepid of my heart awaiting to beat and sync to a rhythm that is only yours. No matter what is said and done , you will always be home , where my heart belongs and returns to everyday.
The one who will remain to be yours now and forever.